Zetty is a Nap Nazi!

INTRO - J Smiles:  0:00  
I was on the couch, so was Zetty. The television was on, but that wasn't really capturing her attention. She had, oh, the Oprah Winfrey magazine. Yeah, she read this particular issue before, umpteen times. You could tell by the corners. Never you mind, baby girl was going at each and every page like it was her first. Dusk was falling outside. The day was turning into night. Boom! Elbow to the shoulder. Zetty, "J.G, J.G, J.G, is that right? Is that right?" I'm thinking, "Is what right?" Zetty is pointing to a sentence that might as well be man, Martian. I don't know what she is trying to get me to understand. "J.G, are you listening? Did you fall asleep?" Elbow, elbow, elbow, body blow, body blow. "Ow, Mom! Ow, ow!" "J.G, is that right?" I wanted to cuss, "Lady, listen... Ahhh, momma, is what right?" "This, is this right?" Heifer, if you know I'm asleep, then read to yourself. Study amongst yourselves. 

INTRO - J Smiles:  1:55  
Parenting Up, Caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my momma. For almost a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler Alert- I started comedy because this stuff is so heavy. Be ready for the jokes! Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

INTRO - Zetty:  2:27  
Hi, this is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay?

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:38  
 Today's episode - Zetty is a Nap Nazi

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:47  
Parenting up family, Zetty is the nap negator. Period, end of story. She will not take a nap, and she will not let me take a nap. It is the most unprediculous thing ever. Unprediculous is a family made up joke that derived from an experience my mom's sister had at a DMV. But unprediculous is more than ridiculous and more than unpredictable. It is mind boggling, mind blowing, and hilarious all at once. My mother with full blown Alzheimer's doesn't nap. And don't you let her catch you trying to nap. Unh Uh, unh uh, not on her watch. How am I really supposed to fuss about that though? She sleeps through the night. What caregiver doesn't want their LO to sleep through the night. Zetty absolutely is in the advanced stages of Alzheimer's. And once she gets in the bed, you got 10 hours easy. That baby's not going to move, you hear me? She's not going to turn left or right. Her legs not gonna move. She's not about to flop her arm over and smack you in the face. You got to put a piece of paper or a mirror under her nose to make sure she's breathing. The other side of that stillness and great sleep that she receives in the evening is, Sweetie Pie doesn't need a nap. But her daughter does. I'm going to let you in on a secret. This is not on my CV, is not on a website, or no video. Nothing on social media never been posted. I'm a professional napper. If they had a sporting category, I would have gold medals. I am Olympic athlete nice with it. I mean, I haven't met someone who can nap better than me. I'm not talking about when you fall asleep involuntarily. That's narcolepsy. I did deal with that in a previous episode that led to me having a sleep study. Nope, not that issue. I am strictly focusing on when I choose to take a power nap, a catnap. I'm gonna get in and get out. Like, I'm going to rob sleep for a second from the universe. Hey, gotta get it real quick right now. I've been napping on an intergalactic level since I was a kid. I would come home and nap after school, nap before dinner, after dinner. I was extraordinarily involved with extracurricular activities, academic things, civic stuff, sports, and then just playing outside. And then I was challenged to make all A's and my grandmother would give me money. So, hey, let's do that. And my parents didn't make me go to bed if I was up studying. Therefore, napping became a part of my existence. And I got really, really good at it. I don't need it to be quiet, or dark, or have cuddly friendly music playing, some special aroma: lavender. Y'all know I have bad allergies and sinuses, all that stuff was probably gonna give me a migraine anyhow. 

INTRO - J Smiles:  7:47  
Y'all know what makes me great at power naps. Being very, very tired, and having something extraordinarily important that I'm passionate about to do in a quick period of time. So I don't have a good night's rest in front of me available. What you gonna do, J, you got to get this power nap in so your brain can recharge. And I go through this whole series of steps where I tell myself, "Listen, you don't have time for all that counting sheep. You got 10 minutes, you got 8 minutes, you got 20 minutes, 22 minutes, 37 minutes, whatever it is, and I make it happen. Purely mental. It is such a mental thing, that I'm just resting my body and my mind mostly to say, "Hey, I need you to check out for a second because in a minute it's going to be go time." And when I'm caregiving with Zetty, the nap is so that I can recharge to be in a space to care for my mom. When I'm Zetty's caregiver, it's likely the most best of me I got to find. Now that's a wonky kind of sentence. But I need to be nimble, I need to be witty, emotionally strong and maybe physically strong.

INTRO - J Smiles:  9:32  
I need to be able to nap. This chick will not let me nap and it is so unfair. She just had 8 ,10, 12 hours of delicious slumber. Y'all, I have Zetty's bedroom set up. The perfect temperature of coolness no matter what the season is, she has blackout curtains, and then, I pull her hair bonnet down over her eyes, looking like one of the characters from Fat Albert. Look that up on Google if you haven't seen it, but basically it's better than a sleep mask. Because if I put an eye mask on Zetty, she takes it off. But if I just elongate the hair bonnet down to the bridge of her nose, she's okay. There have been times when I'm on the sofa, we're watching television, and I think, "Okay, she's really into Family Feud. I got at least 10 minutes of Family Feud entertaining her." And I can sleep sitting up on the sofa. My head may nod slightly but I could get me a good 7 minutes. I'm like, "Okay, I'm gonna be ready. I'm gonna be ready to go. Take her on her walk, do her leg exercises, her arm exercises and be upbeat, full of energy for her." Until Miss Thang decides she wants to talk. On this occasion, she hits me with, "J, what did they say?" "Huh?" "J.G, were you listening?" "Yeah." "Well, what did they say?" Family, I threw back. Allah. I said, "They got the answer wrong." Zetty, "Well, I know that, but what did they say?" Now I'm thinking to myself, "Look a here, Lady, you are talking real clear and got a lot of questions for somebody with a brain that don't work. Now, they got the damn answer wrong and we moving on to the next person. Does it matter what they said?" Okay, I didn't voice that opinion, or any of those words out loud, but I was on my inside. Because now, I only got 2 or 3 minutes of my nap. I'm like, "Lady, you stop me now in the middle of the power nap. I was only gone for 7 to 10 minutes. So now I got 3 or 4 minutes in and you've jolted me out." But those of you who may be power or catnappers or not. The bottom line is to be jolted out of a power nap early is the worst thing ever. You can end up injured or harmed in a way that it is worse than before you started the power nap. Now your body is super depleted. And uhh unn ucc. Like that. She continues, "J.G, were you.. did you fall alsleep?" "Na, Ma, I don't. I... I don't know, Momma, I might have nodded." So now I feel bad because I am on shift with my mother. And she's calling me out. Next time I was on shift with Zetty and felt a little napish, I scooted close to her. Which is the same thing as saying, I set real tight up on her hips. I put my arm around her shoulder and then leaned my head over on her. I'm thinking I'm gonna go for this close proximity thing. And then she's gonna feel me kind of breathing. Maybe a little bit of a snore.

INTRO - J Smiles:  14:45  
But she won't even be able to look over at me because I'm on her, you get what I'm feeling? I've gripped her up like a bear. Why did this lady temple butt me. Have you ever been temple butted? I didn't even know you could whip your head around fast enough to temple butt somebody. I got temple butted by my momma. It hit me right... like in my eyebrow bone. It was startling! "J.G, is that right? Did I get that right?" She was reading another old magazine. Oprah, if you're listening to this, I think you at least owe me lunch or something for this. I said, "What, momma? Is that right?" "Is that right,J.G?" "Baby, is what right?" Because I'm trying to use my soft voice because it's not her fault, I guess, that I'm tired. I mean, she is pointing with pisstivity in her finger. Hard at the little letters and the little words, "Is this right?" Now how do I tell her? "Hey, Momma, you're gonna have to repeat what you said for me to know if you're right since you know I didn't hear you because I was sleep. And that's why you temple butted  me." Which I think is kind of a harsh move. Is this abuse? Is this abuse? Like elder backwards abuse? I can't really turn you in to nobody because I don't need them over here investigating. But I'm not feeling real warm and fuzzy right now either. I wanted to grab her cheeks and say, "Hey, Sweet baby love, if you don't let me nap, I might have a meltdown where you're not going to have a good night. Your dinner will be cold. Your pills may go up your nose. I might leave the house, see what I'm saying? You need to give me this 7 minutes, boo. Okay, it's just 7 minutes. I'm gonna need you to find a way to point yourself through these words. It doesn't matter if they're right. Say whatever you want.

INTRO - J Smiles:  17:32  
I really made her fire hot, white hot mad. We were in a movie theater, a matinee? It was a bit earlier in Zetty's diagnosis, so this was still very much a part of our monthly existence. Elbow, elbow, elbow. "J.G, oh my goodness, J.G, can you believe that? J.G?" "Huh? What, Momma?" "Are y.. J.G, are you paying attention?" "Yeah." "No, you're not!" "Ow, huh, I think I was." "Did you doze off? Were you sleep?" "Ahh, uhh...... you know what, I think I just didn't hear so good. What they say?" "Unh, nevermind." Now, I thought I could play it off because it's dark, we're in the theater. Why don't you just repeat to me what they said. Well, she can't repeat it because she has Alzheimer's. But she wants me to be moved like she was during the movie. She was hot with me. She didn't talk to me no more the rest of the whole freakin movie. All because I'm getting a catnap to better care for her. Listen. Listen, sweet oh mother of mine. Baby, listen, I'm not on that cognac, or that cocaine. This is what is helping me. These catnaps are helping me to help you help us be alright. The final straw for me was one night we're in Zetty's bed and Zetty has a king size bed, sort of. It's really two twin beds, to twinsies my grandmother used to hate that, because they're articulating beds, and I got them set up that way. We're in the bed watching the Game Show Network. GSN, we love you. The game shows go off. It is now infomercials about whatever: dying dogs, so awful, Skin Care your pores, something about replacing your kneecaps with robotic pieces. I tried to cut it off. Zetty says, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no." I say, "Okay, Mom, it's fine. Let's go to sleep though." So I turn it down really low, like pretty much you can't hear it. Next thing I know, I'm getting a backhand to the gut like a wet fish. Blaaa blaaa blaaa. "J.G, do I need one of those?" Me, "Huh?" It was that much of a pause because I was grabbing my abdomen, doing the best I could not to punch her in her ear. You can't just go to hitting people in the soft of their belly while they're in the middle of they night sleep. Do y'all know what time the infomercial start on the Game Show Network? I'll wait. Nevermind, I'll tell you. 4am! They start at 4am, okay. So it's sometime after 4am. "Listen, Lady."

INTRO - J Smiles:  22:36  
 I grabbed that same hand she is using to punch my appendix into my Adam's apple, and I say, "Momma, baby, you don't need anything on that television." And I am gritting my teeth just like I am right now, talking to her as calmly as I could without using cusses. Not swears or curse words, it would have been cusses. She said, "Huh, J.G, are you sure? Because they said..." I said, "Momma, we don't need that. We don't need that. You don't need that. I don't need that. None of... nobody needs that." I cut that TV off. That's enough. I'm in charge, kinda. Zetty is a mess, okay. In the most loving and fanciful way I can say, my mom is a mess. That's what she is. And I love all her and love through her and love with her as best I can. I think I finally got her, family. We were on a sofa. It was probably about 9, 9:30pm. Game shows are on, O magazine. The evenings are the same. It's mind numbing, unless you've tried to change and you've watched the meltdown and the unraveling occur. And then you are so happy for this routine and the consistency that it gives her, that you're just fine with seeing that same Oprah Magazine, or the 13th version of America Says. Anywho, I was on a 24 hour shift with Zetty this time. And the day before that, I had a huge J. Smiles concert. So I was on fumes. That's the point I want you to know. I said, You know what? I'm about to poke her in her parentals. I'm about to mush all up in her mommy. Y'all, I grabbed me a blanket. I said timeout for all of this attempting to act like I'm awake and nap in secrecy. I covered up my whole body from my ankles to my neck. I put my head in her lap. Let me go ahead and act like I'm seven years old. I'm gonna go first. I'm gonna go infantile elementary on her first. Let me see if I can peel back some of these layers and help her remember, you the momma, look, you the momma. I can take a nap and you'll be in charge.

INTRO - J Smiles:  26:21  
It worked. Two hours passed, it was like 11:30 or something. My head was still in Zetty's lap. She was just flipping the pages. One of her hands was on my shoulder and the other was flipping through the magazine. And when I woke up and looked at her I was like, "Zetty, Momma, what ar.. wha.. are you.. are you okay?" "Um hum, Baby, I'm fine." She was like, "You were resting. I didn't want to bother you." I said, "Yessss, J, you got to be more careful. Girl, you better just lean on in and snuggle up to being a kid who is useless and balled up in your momma's lap." Strength is for suckers. Napping really is a part of who I am. I started doing it when I was a teenager, but it is necessary as a caregiver. It got me through all three degrees. It was critical when I lived internationally with the tremendous time differences when I'm trying to communicate with people that I care about back in the United States, or just adjust to cultural changes and international lifestyle. Let me tell you what the experts say, Clevelandclinic.org. Power naps are something you should consider adding to your life. They don't work for everyone. But they suggest that you try it. And if it does help, keep it in your arsenal. They pointed out that a full sleep cycle lasts 90 minutes. The longer you sleep, the more likely you will be drowsy. So, a power nap or catnap should not be 90 minutes or anywhere near it. Generally speaking, a power nap is 10 to 30 minutes. They believe that 20 to 30 minutes is the sweet spot. Benefits for taking a power nap: it refills your tank, it improves your mood, focus, concentration, your reaction time, your alertness, and short term memory. What? Are you kidding? Particularly after a bad night's sleep, a power nap in the middle of the afternoon can save your behind. Not to mention that as we get older, we tend to sleep lighter, we wake up more during the night, we're easily disrupted. Therefore, those naps throughout the day can change the game.

INTRO - J Smiles:  30:28  
Here's the lesson I took from all of this. It really is all about Zetty, yet again. It's all about your LO when you are on. And by 'on' I mean, on shift. When you are actively participating as the person in charge, engaged with your LO, then it is all about them. Or it should be. And if it can't be, then you should tap out and figure out who else can assist or help you with that shift. My mom doesn't realize I need the naps, she doesn't realize that she's interrupting my sleep in such a critical time, and that is going to put me on fumes. I know she doesn't. But in the moment, I kind of just want to pinch her real hard and like squeeze that little fat meat behind your arm where it hurts. Where you feel like somebody just punched you in the nose. You're like, really can this little fat meat hurt that much. In the moment that's what I want to do to her, but I don't, of course. What I recognize is the disease is such a piece of crap, that it has my mom in this infantile like spectrum where she can't read the room. She can't actually break down that, "Oh, my baby is taking a quick nap, she must be exhausted." Like, she can't look at my face and my body language, and put together that, "Oh hell, If I'm nudging her and saying, are you awake? Did you hear it? Then she probably didn't." Like she can't play that game of checkers or chess or if p then q in her brain. Even though she's stating all the variables to the equation, she cannot solve for x. That leaves me with a few options. Try to get a catnap before I go on shift. Or put my head in her lap with a blanket. The options are fairly limited. If y'all come up with something else, do let me know. 

THE SNUGGLE UP:  33:29  
The Snuggle Up. Number one, I wanted to hit my momma. Remember, you told me how to read to myself or play by myself? The only child stuff you told me to do? Because you were busy. Well, hello, why don't you do that? Family, don't throw it back in your LO's face in those moments where you're trying to do something, and you can recall when they did the exact same thing to you. Maybe last week, maybe 10 years ago. They're not going to relate. It's not going to stick. It's not going to be worth it to escalate in that moment. You won't feel good about it, it will not resonate with them in a way that you move the needle forward in a positive manner. Number two, naps really are amazing tools. Especially for caregivers. Nap experts suggest a dark space, quiet with an alarm clock, 20 to 30 minutes max. Try it out, even if you don't think you need it, give it a shot. Nap enthusiasts can be creative, productive, game changers. Listen to this list of global leaders who are nap PhDs: Thomas Edison, Salvador Dali, President Bill Clinton, Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Cristiano Ronaldo, the phenomenal football player, European football player, we call it soccer in the US. Chris Martin, Coldplay, Conor McGregor, MMA. The point is, you can thrive as a napper.

OUTRO:  35:09  
Do you have a comment about today's episode? Is there a topic that I've never covered that you want me to handle in a future episode? Cool, text a Purple Heart to 1-404-737-1449 again, +1-404-737-1449. Of course, I'm gonna put that in the show notes. That's it for now. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe for continuous caregiving tips, tricks, trends, and truth. Pretty, pretty please with sugar on top, share and review it too. I'm a comedian, Alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't gotta be.