The Lie of Love: with caregiver Chef Angela

J Smiles: 0:00

Angela, your mom has Alzheimer's. That is not something that is common. What let you know, hey, something's going on with mom and I probably need to take her to the doctor.

Angela: 0:23

The first flag was her calling me repeatedly asking me the same question all day. And then when I went to visit her, her house was a mess. And my mom typically, I mean, she has always been very organized, clean house, all of that. And her mail was piled up there was dust everywhere. And I just, I was shocked. I could not believe how her house looks. So that let me know. And I decided to go with her to her next doctor's appointment, that's when I found out.

J Smiles: 0:47

Parenting Up- caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mama. For almost a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with the heartbeat. Spoiler Alert- I started comedy because this stuff is heavy, be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

Zetty: 1:11

Hi This is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay?

J Smiles: 1:17

Today's episode, the lie of love, a conversation with Chef Angela. If you don't mind sharing, how old was she? At that time?

Angela: 1:31

She was 68.

J Smiles: 1:32

That's still fairly young for an Alzheimer's diagnosis.

Angela: 1:35

Yes, very young.

J Smiles: 1:37

How do you live near each other?

Angela: 1:39

No, she I was in Atlanta, and she was in Rocky Mountain North Carolina.

J Smiles: 1:42

Okay.

Angela: 1:43

Early on, I tried to manage her, you know, long distance, which was really impossible to do.

J Smiles: 1:48

Right. Did she live alone at that time?

Angela: 1:50

No, she lived with my stepfather. Unfortunately, he passed away. And I had to move her here right away.

J Smiles: 1:57

Gotcha. So you said she called you was asking the same question repeatedly. And you said, Okay, I gotta go make a visit to see mom. How, how long had it been since you actually saw her house to know, whoa this is disarrayed that my regular mom wouldn't let the house look like this.

Angela: 2:10

I would say maybe, maybe somewhere around three to four months.

J Smiles: 2:15

Okay. So that's, that's not a long period of time.

Angela: 2:59

Right. And my brother had visits visit her between that time and he was telling me and he said, I don't know something's going on, you know, with mom. So that's just never seen, you know, the house look like that.

J Smiles: 3:13

Gotcha. Over her lifetime, did she work out of the home or in the home?

Angela: 3:17

Out of the home

J Smiles: 3:22

So she has she been retired for a while?

Angela: 3:35

She had been retired for two years.

J Smiles: 3:39

Okay. So she well, wow, so she worked. She worked for pretty, she worked for a minute.

Angela: 3:47

Oh, I think she worked 43 years, retired then two years later this year.

J Smiles: 3:54

Whoa. Okay. When you went to the doctor's appointment, was that immediately to a specialist or was that to her primary care?

Angela: 4:04

Her primary care

J Smiles: 4:05

And did they make the diagnosis or did they send you to an a specialist?

Angela: 4:11

She had already been diagnosed, we just didn't know.

J Smiles: 4:15

Really?

Angela: 4:16

Yes. It was in her, yeah, it was in her medical records. Yeah, we just did not know. And my mother never said anything.

J Smiles: 4:24

Wow. So when you found that out? What kind of communicate Okay, wait. All right. So pause for a second Angela. So you go, the primary care physician says Oh, yeah, she has Alzheimer's. How long had the diagnosis been in existence?

Angela: 4:44

Probably. Probably, maybe a year a year and a half.

J Smiles: 4:49

Okay. Was she on any medication?

Angela: 4:50

She was on medication for diabetes and cholesterol, but nothing, nothing for Alzheimer's or dementia nothing for those

J Smiles: 5:05

Had the physician suggested something and she didn't take it or had they not prescribed something?

Angela: 5:11

They hadn't prescribed anything. I think that my mother was in denial because, you know, even if you say to her, you know right now what her condition is she'll say ain't no doctor told me.

J Smiles: 5:25

I know that's right. Let me tell you something, we could take she and my mama out ofr brunch, and tthey could go ahead and be friends honey. My mama will tell you to this day is she'll look at me my mama calls me JG I'm J Smiles to everybody else, but she says, JG she looks at me and she says, JG anybody ever told you that? And I look at the doctor and I wink and I say no, Mama, nobody ever told me you had anything like that? Because you not about to throw me under the bus, I got to go home with her.

Angela: 5:55

Right

J Smiles: 5:56

Okay, so was it the primary care physician that diagnosed her or had she gone to another physician?

Angela: 6:03

It was the primary care, my mother was always on time to, she never missed the appointment, she started missing her appointment and that's what put the flag up. And then her medications, when they should have run out, they didn't run out. So they knew that she wasn't taking them, you know, correctly anymore. So I think that's what put the flag up to them about her condition.

J Smiles: 6:29

Understood. If any question I have is a bit too personal, you just say I would rather not answer that and that is just fine. We are all family here on the Parenting Up podcast. It is very personal, t is a very casual conversation and we don't have no problems saying honey, that's too close. So with your stepfather passed, how much time between when you brought your mom to live with you, between when he passed was so when you noticed when you went home and said mom wouldn't be living like this?

Angela: 7:01

Well, they didn't. I wanted them both to move here and they didn't want to, you know, their thing is, you know, we're fine. We can take care of ourselves. And I actually believe that he had dementia as well. But he never went to a doctor and he was 81 never went to a doctor.

J Smiles: 7:25

Goodness

Angela: 7:26

So yeah, yeah. So I believe, you know, just based on his behavior, that he may have had it not not as, you know, nowhere near hers. But he was that he was starting to get a little forgetful. And, you know, just his behavior, his cleanliness started to, to change. So they work together nd he was still able, my mother ould no longer drive and she ould no longer cook. So, you now, he was doing as much as he ould you help her. But it was ard, because I knew that she

J Smiles: 8:05

I understand asn't taken care of the way I w uld have liked to but they w re doing their best and they s ubborn thinking, you know, I've aking care of myself all these ears I can continue. It was eally, really challenging rying to manage her and trying o get him to understand. I just think they were just both in

Angela: 8:25

And you know her condition, just total denial.

J Smiles: 8:29

I can reference with my grandparents together, they were probably 75% of a person. Both of them are deceased now, but my grandfather was legally blind. He had diabetes and Glaucoma. My grandmother had lung cancer and emphysema, she could see. But she was very weak on oxygen 24/7 and had very little strength, could barely walk. My grandfather was strong, but he couldn't see anything. So they had worked it out. It took a minute before family members could tell how they were doing it. They had even worked it out, Angela were when he came to save washing and folding the clothes, my grandfather knew where to hamper was, they live in that same house for 50 years, he would just take the hamper and the clothes and dump them on the sofa beside my grandmother. And she would sort them and then guide his hands to where all the clothes were and then guide him to the washing machine. He put them in the washing machine then she turned the knob and then when it buzzed she would go guide him to put them in dryer and I said what are we serious right now. And they had a gas stove and everything so she couldn't be around that because of the oxygen, but what she would do is put it on low, she would take oxygen off for 30 seconds, put it on low and then set the timer and then go in there and cut it off. And when she cut it off, she would tell him to move the pot. I was like, you know what I could, I could beat both of you with a switch. This is dangerous, but there is something to be said for they've been together, they want to stay together and they definitely want their kids helping. They really don't want a bit offspring helping. And I don't know what that's about, but it seems to be a thing of our elders. Yeah.

Angela: 10:25

It so sweet though.

J Smiles: 10:26

It's very sweet. It's scary for those of us who love them, because we're like, Hey, I'm really worried that you're okay. Are you taking your medicine properly? And are you safe? You know, in terms of, and then we were also worried too, like, would you all what might they be coerced into letting someone in the house like, you know, you just don't know. Somebody's gonna come in, I got a flat tire. Will you give me $5? And might they be tricked into opening the door for someone who meant them harm, but anyway, your stepfather passed and shortly thereafter you brought your mom to live with you?.

Angela: 11:03

Yeah.

J Smiles: 11:04

Okay.

Angela: 11:04

Yeah. And of course, she doesn't remember that he's no longer here. So just, you know, maybe an hour ago, she said that he's on his way to pick her up. So, okay, I deal with that. pretty often.

J Smiles: 11:18

How long has he been not physically on earth?

Angela: 11:24

It was, it was October. It was October.

J Smiles: 11:30

Okay, so almost a year.

Angela: 11:32

Almost, yes almost a year because he got sick and then his son took him home to care for him. And then he ended up dying.

J Smiles: 11:46

Okay. Understood. When she says he's coming? How do you manage that when she makes comments about her husband? How do you approach those comments?

Angela: 12:00

I've learn that it's whatever she says now.

J Smiles: 12:06

Okay. Okay. You say now so well, okay, so Okay, so now? Yeah, so let's, for the caregiver newbies that might be listening. Let's, let's share what you used to say. And then what you say now?

Angela: 12:22

Yes, I used to say that I would say mom, remember, you know, Roosevelt passed away. That was his name. He's no longer here. I need to really try to you know, I knew she couldn't remember. But I said, and I'm so sorry. I said, and it's so hard for me to keep telling you this over and over again. So I really wish that it was really sticking your brain with you don't say it like that. Because it was just I felt like I was breaking her heart every time like over and over again, to tell her that. So I decided that I would no longer say it.

J Smiles: 13:03

How did she respond when you would tell her that news? When you said you felt like you were breaking her heart? What? What was her physical or verbal response?

Angela: 13:13

She would umm. She was saying no, no, he's not. And I'm going to share with you that something that's really sad about this situation. So his sons who were not involved in his life, I gone say it.

J Smiles: 13:30

Ok, that's what we do here.

Angela: 13:32

Yeah, they took they took that time to because they weren't they were together for over 40 years, but they never married.

J Smiles: 13:41

Okay.

Angela: 13:42

So they took that time to just when he got sick, because as Roosevelt got sick, my mother didn't realize how many days it had been that he was in the bed. And thank God, my odds would go and give her her medications daily and he would normally open the door. So she called me maybe after the like third day and she says, something's going on. She says, I haven't seen Roosevelt, and she was driving home. And she said something just seems, I just had to call you so I call my mom and I asked her Where's Roosevelt? That's just you know, he's he's taking a nap. You know, he will take a nap on the sofa, but not be in the bed sleep. So I asked her to put him on the phone and he was so weak, I could barely understand him.

J Smiles: 14:37

Okay

Angela: 14:37

So I call, you know 911, he was diagnosed with stage four cancer.

J Smiles: 14:45

Oh, wow.

Angela: 14:46

Prostate. Yeah. His son, they used that time to like, step in and make sure that whatever he had, they were going to get. Yeah, yeah. And I mean they didn't see them holidays, didn't invite them invite him, you know, to their home. It was really, really a sad situation.

J Smiles: 15:07

Right. That's ugly. You have unfortunately, it happens all too often. When at the end of someone's life, when it seems that the life is close to ending and death is upon us, So painful, we weren't invited to it gets ugly very quickly. And it's painful. I'm so sorry to hear that h The services?

Angela: 15:28

No, so she never got closure. I think that's another part of her not believing it because we didn't go to his service.

J Smiles: 15:37

Understood.

Angela: 15:39

So

J Smiles: 15:40

That's tough.

Angela: 15:41

Yeah, its very tough

J Smiles: 15:43

That is very tough

Angela: 15:44

Very tough

J Smiles: 15:44

She continued to say, you could tell that that was hurting her. And so at some point, you said, I'm going to stop.

Angela: 15:51

Mm hmm. Yes. Correct.

J Smiles: 15:52

Sharing that with her. So now when she says, he's coming to pick me up, what do you do?

Angela: 15:58

Besides when she said it today I told her I says, No, I said, I spoke to him earlier and he knows that you're here spending time with me for for you know, I just make up a time for a couple of days. And then I make it like really light and easy like fun. Remember, my you're here to hang out with me for a couple of days. I know you're not ready to leave me all ready. She go No, no, I'm gonna stay with my baby girl. Yeah. We all you know, talking about but it's whatever is in her head. I am in agreement, because that's what's in her head. I can't change that.

J Smiles: 16:37

That's right.

Angela: 16:38

And I've learned it, I can not change that.

J Smiles: 16:41

It took me a minute to get there to. I can recall, when my father well, I can say this. And I don't know, I could just give you my factual story, which is my father had a massive heart attack. My mother, they were home together. He was fine. They were on the couch, she went to their bedroom to get a pillow and a blanket, she came back to the couch in the den and he was gone. She calls 911 thinking they're going to revive him, he does not get revived.

Angela: 17:15

So sorry to hear

J Smiles: 17:16

Thank you

Angela: 17:17

My condolences

J Smiles: 17:17

Within 90 days, what I now know to be symptoms, or at least signs of dementia and mild cognitive decline, we're ever present. The medical world has told me that the shock the neural the shock of his passing, like what happened the way it happened. Her body responded with it being like a catastrophic event. It was a crisis inside and it catapulted her into early Alzheimer's early onset. So of course, it didn't give her Alzheimer's, but what might have taken another eight to 10 years to develop came upon us in about 90 days. So I can tell you this, my mother saw my dad pass away. She helped plan a funeral she attended the funeral repass everything. And about, I don't know six, nine months later, she told me she hadn't seen my dad in three weeks and wondered where the hell he was. And I was like, first of all, I was tickled. I said, I wonder where she get this three weeks from because Okay, now?

Angela: 18:29

Yes, they make up some time. Yeah,

J Smiles: 18:31

Well if you wanna say we, you're right uou ain't seen him. But baby, it's been way longer than three weeks. And she's had her handle on him. He bet not being a street with another woman. And then I ain't gone lie Angela, I got pissed. I'm like, first of all, you ain't gonna talk about my dead daddy like you know what I mean you ain't about to run his name

Angela: 18:50

Right, right up and down the street. So now in that moment, I'm feeling some kind of wait, I gotta protect my dad's, you know, his reputation. So I'm looking at her. Mama, you know, Daddy dead. And he wouldn't be running no women in the street? Like not for no, three weeks? No good. Then I'm like, first of all, are we know what they went through? She might go up because I also don't need her in a moment of clarity to tell me what affairs he may or may not had cuz I don't need to deal with that right now. I need to I need to have my image of my daddy my way.

J Smiles: 19:24

And she said, and she literally andalite grabbed her stomach like somebody had hit her in it. And she said dead and I was like uh oh. That was the first time her response looked that physically devastated. Other times, she looked like, Girl what you're talking about?

Angela: 19:44

Mm hmm.

J Smiles: 19:45

And I said, Oh, I don't know what I'm talking about. But that time it looked like I just rolled a truck over her and I was like, Okay, I got to figure out what to do and how to talk about this. And like you said, I have finally soft stepped myself into your own point of reference, which is just be wherever she is.

Angela: 20:06

Yeah

J Smiles: 20:07

Just wherever she is mentally just do my best to be there. And if she thinks there's an elephant in the room, then I'm like, What color? You see pink? Me too, right? What color is is green? Yep, I would like them to be red. He can't be red and white can be a red and white elephant. Okay. All right. It's a pink and green elephant there fine whatever mama.But

Angela: 20:28

Yeah

J Smiles: 20:28

It can be challenging emotionally.

Angela: 20:31

Yeah

J Smiles: 20:32

Do you find that that is challenging emotionally, because that's your mom, to see her struggle like that, at least it's hard on me to watch my mom, try to figure things out that I know she's not really going to be able to figure out

Angela: 20:45

And you know Jay it's one thing that's umm, that's interesting is because, you know, when I have friends that are around my mom, she's so funny, you know, and they just really enjoy just being around her. Just so easy. She's so fun. You know, like, they don't understand where my sadness comes from, or why some of my days are just so stressful. And I try to get them to understand is, that's my, you know, like, that's my mom. And I'm actually still grieving, and no offense to anyone who has, you know, physically lost their parents. But I've also been grieving because I lost my mom, the mom that I knew. So it's a loss for me?

J Smiles: 21:31

It is.

Angela: 21:33

So when I see her do things or say things that's just not, you know, the mom that I know. It's sad.

J Smiles: 21:41

It is

Angela: 21:41

Very sad. And it does affect me mentally. So it's like, I cannot understand I can't get them to, to understand that necessity. I guess you would not understand that. Unless you've walked in issue. It's no way for me to get you to understand it.

J Smiles: 21:58

I agree.

Angela: 21:58

It's like, you know, they like she's healthy. She looks good. She's laughs she's, she's happy. Yeah. But when I have to sit my mother down and show her, you know, you have to start wearing adult diapers, that's mentally draining, it hurts me. My mom, my strong independent Mother, you have to wear a diaper.

J Smiles: 22:20

Right? That's tough. It does hurt.

Angela: 22:24

And I don't have to just tell her that one time.

J Smiles: 22:26

Correct

Angela: 22:27

You know, I hand them to her. She's like, what is this? You know? So it's not just the one time

J Smiles: 22:34

It is a lot of repetition.

Angela: 22:36

Yeah.

J Smiles: 22:37

Actually, this month, makes eight years for me.

Angela: 22:42

Oh, wow.

J Smiles: 22:43

And repetition.

Angela: 22:45

Wow

J Smiles: 22:46

Is the only constant. Nothing You can't there's nothing that I've done. So many times that it's become memorized for her. Nothing.

Angela: 22:59

Right

J Smiles: 23:00

At all, period, end of story. So you are absolutely right. And then there becomes a tug of war, at least I've experienced a tug of war within because at times, there is a stark loneliness in silence because even my closest dearest friends who are attempting to support me, they want to hear my pain. But when I open my mouth to tell it, they begin to try to unravel my sadness, to point out the nuggets of goodness. And I'm like, Listen, do you want to hear my pain? Or do you want to try to point out some goodness, because now I didn't ask you that you asked me to share what was wrong. Now dammit, if you about, no, I don't want that. I don't want because if that's the case, we can hang up right now.

Angela: 23:54

Right

J Smiles: 23:56

Because I'm like, you know, this is different. I can't quite recall who thought of it. But there's a phrase with Alzheimer's, which is called the long goodbye.

Angela: 24:05

Yes, yes, yes

J Smiles: 24:09

It isextraordinarily painful.

Angela: 24:12

Yeah.

J Smiles: 24:13

And it is very hard to describe to someone I would offer to you that like in your case, in my case, and for others like us where your your loved one was diagnosed or was faced with the disease in the 60s. Some people I'm a part of a one of the Facebook groups with their people where their husbands or wives were diagnosed with Alzheimer's in their 30s 40s 50s I'm like, Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Or like in our case, you talking about, you know, your mom in her 60s. My mom was 63 and she was working. She had not retired. She's a CPA. She still had a firm she still had cases. I was like what the hell arre you talking about? She all of a sudden came, she can't do what? I was like, y'all gotta be everybody in I thought the doctors were on something. I was like, first of all, all of you need to go home and relax. Come back tomorrow and look at these charts again, because you have messed you have mixed up my mama's MRIs with somebody else's. Ain't no way she got all these diseases this fast. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Go have a scotch on me. Here's my, here's my credit card. So I get your point, I at least understand the words that you're saying. I think each of us have a very different walk. But that concept of she's alive and I can see her as she looks like my mama, she smell like my mama, she sound like my mama but the words that she is using, those are not my mom's word. My mama would not say that. And then there are moments to where you're like, there are moments where for 30 or 45 seconds is my whole Mama. And then for them 30 or 45 seconds, I slip back into JG and then she gets, she tricked me and then she comes back to Alzheimer's Zetty I'm like aww dammit. Wait, then I mess around and you talking about somebody? I'm going from laughing to crying then I got a migraine, girl I'm looking for some vodka, just like that.

Angela: 26:20

So eight years later, you still find yourself still, like very emotional about it and sad, days that you cry about it eight years.

J Smiles: 26:29

Yeah, I'm sorry to tell you that. Yes, but I will say this, my down moments are not as intense.

Angela: 26:38

Mm hmm.

J Smiles: 26:39

And not as frequent.

Angela: 26:41

Mm hmm.

J Smiles: 26:42

Sounds like you're about a year in. And at a year in the intensity of the shock over my mom having Alzheimer's, I still couldn't believe she had it. In the first year of her diagnosis. I was still trying to be like, are you first of all y'all sure that this you know? Can we have another test? And are we sure it's not a peanut allergy that went bad. It's not a virus and she got a tapeworm or rickets. What else can we test? Because this don't sound right.

Angela: 27:13

Right

J Smiles: 27:13

Because it came so fast. Exactly. She wasstill working. She was driving the car she was doing she was, what are we talking about? So there are still moments for sure that I am sad, and that I have moments of depression or frustration or disappointment. The disappointment is more in science in research, in mankind, when I see how unprepared the general public is to engage a person with Alzheimer's. Like if I take my mom to church, or if we're in target, or we're in the airport, or we're in a public bathroom, how unprepared they are for her behavior. Like my mother has never done anything dramatic or aggressive. She's never assaulted a person, but they are still so unprepared. And as a part of why I'm doing this podcast hoping that along the way for us trying to find a cure, can the general society just become more aware of what Alzheimer's looks like, what it sounds like? So if you see a person that may make a comment, that's a little off putting that you not decide that they're just being an asshole, or trying to be difficult, like, you know, I used to take my mom to matinee movies. I'm thinking I'm at a matinee on a Tuesday. I'm doing the best I can. If she talks or say something out loud and the guy turned around saying I'm sorry, could you please be quiet? Dude, look at her. She's in her late 60s, early 70s. You got to know something's going on. I mean, you know what I'm saying she's not drunk. She's not high. She's not throwing stuff at you. And she was talking about the movie. She was like, JG what did he just say? But she wasn't using her inside voice. But I'm thinking guy, you know what I'm saying? Like, dude just give me a break when a public bathroom if her you know if her bowels have released and I'm, I'm carrying around a bag of a change of pants and I am cleaning her up. Then you have young women in their 20s making very off putting comments about the smell. Well, well, and then my mom Well, she can't really articulate it. She's like, JG I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And now she's apologizing, she just have a bowel movement, but that's it. She had a bowel movement everybody. It could have happened to any of us, but the rest of us would have flushed You know, we would, we would have done the courtesy flush. But when my mom it was in her pants first and so it couldn't be a flush. I'm like dude like, if we could just get people to just be a little more kind along the way, you ought to be able to look at a person's age and say, the way that this person looks like they're a little bit well put together there with an adult that's younger than him, there seems to care about them. It might be some happening, just chill a little bit, chill a little bit. You know, so I can't offer to you that, I don't want to say it gets better because better that that word doesn't seem appropriate. But the frequency does lessen. And the intensity, the depth of the pain, right? It, it gets a little more shallow.

Angela: 30:38

Mm hmm. Okay,

J Smiles: 30:40

Just the way initially, you were saying, telling her, you know, you speaking of your stepfather, you will say, Well, you know, he passed away. And now you don't do that.

Angela: 30:49

Right

J Smiles: 30:50

You will have additional learnings as time passes along and that is how your intensity will lessen. And how the depth of your pain will start to evaporate faster, it's because you're going to learn how to manage your emotions and expectations of your mom's abilities. Your care for her is not going to change and the disease itself is not going to change, but your management of the expectations of what she can and can't do, and of how you can interact with her and you will come up with more tricks like that conversation about your stepfather's passing. That way, you're saving yourself a headache, and, and saving her some confusion. And hopefully you can listen to a few more of these podcasts episodes, we'll have other people on that offer their version of kind of what got them through. And then out of that could be helpful.

Angela: 31:49

Yeah, definitely time for me to step in and get more involved in you know, different support groups. But things just happened so fast for me to have to move my mom, and then find, you know, home care for her while I went to work. And it was just one thing. I mean, cuz I had to move I was in a one bedroom condo, so I had to find another house. Oh, man really? Early. Yes, Yes

J Smiles: 32:14

Are you working full time?

Angela: 32:16

Well, COVID I was furloughed, and then was able to go back to work. But then I decided to take three months of medical leave.

J Smiles: 32:27

Okay.

Angela: 32:27

It's just been a lot. So I felt like I needed that time and I needed that break. And I actually set up an appointment with a behavior therapist, I haven't been able to speak to them. They're so backed up, there's so many, you know, so much going on with this COVID that I'm finding that a lot of therapists are just not available for weeks. So mom,

J Smiles: 32:51

That's true.

Angela: 32:52

Yeah, I decided just to make sure that I'm just taking better care of myself so that I can continue to take care of her.

J Smiles: 32:59

I am glad to hear that. To be one year into it you are speaking from a very wise vantage point, The two points that you have said that are awesome and spot on that is that you are looking into some type of therapy for yourself as a temperature gauge or check on kind of where am I and how am I doing? And that you are doing your best to stay wherever she is mentally. Those are two huge choices that you're making in your journey as a caregiver and I commend you tremendously for that.

Angela: 33:38

Thank you J Smiles.

J Smiles: 33:39

Absolutely, sweetheart. Absolutely. What else have you done? Or are you doing for self care? You have taken the three months off, that's amazing. kudos for that. As well as you're looking into therapy. Is there anything else that you have done or that you're looking to do for self care?

Angela: 34:02

Yeah, well, one thing that is a blessing is that my mother she sleeps pretty late she sleeps too and you know and late meaning like 10am, 11am, so that gives me time in the morning to get up pray and meditate. And I've been working out again consistently so I'm able to have that little time for myself in the morning. I also started a YouTube channel cooking show. It's been like a really time to just, it's like a distraction you know, I don't I can just do what I love, cooking because I'm also a personal chef.

J Smiles: 34:39

Okay, wait tell us wait now tell us what the YouTube channel is, you can't just blow by that and spell it out, say slow, say it a couple times.

Angela: 34:48

I used to do personal meals for clients years ago and then I got burnt out. So when COVID hit and I found myself you know just being home one of my girlfriends had suggested because you know, she's always wanting to learn how to cook and she loves my coooking, she was like why don't you start a YouTube channel. I was like hmm and I started the ketogenic diet to help because I had gained a lot of weight, stress weight or you know, whatever you want to call, it felt like it was time for me to just focus and get my health back in check. The YouTube channel is lifestyle cuisine and I cook low carb meals.

J Smiles: 35:32

Do you spell? One second, do you spell lifestyle and cuisine in the traditional way? Yes.

Angela: 35:39

Okay. Yes, so I have a YouTube channel and I prepare low carb desserts. And I like to keep it internationally, you know, I like to explore different cultures. So I have, you know, Middle Eastern dishes, Italian, French, you know, but what I like to do is just take traditional dishes that we grew up eating some low carb and healthier.

J Smiles: 36:04

That's super fun. And especially during COVID. I'm an avid traveler, like I prefer to travel than stay anywhere. When people say where would you love to live? I'm like, Oh, that's so hard to pick a place because I would like to just be somewhere six months and then grab all my things and go somewhere else for six months. And so but if you're giving me that in a cooking show that you're giving me those different tastes and flavors, I could transport myself via my palate. Even though my passport I can't really use it right now, but thank you for letting me go. So lifestyle cuisine.

Angela: 36:39

Yeah

J Smiles: 36:40

On YouTube?

Angela: 36:41

Yeah. Fantastic. Lifestyle one word and then cuisine

J Smiles: 36:45

Okay. lifestyle, space, cuisine.

Angela: 36:49

Say that again?

J Smiles: 36:50

lifestyle. Space cuisine.

Angela: 36:52

Correct.

J Smiles: 36:52

Okay, Chef, Angela.

Angela: 36:55

Yeah

J Smiles: 36:56

And it's regular, Angela?

Angela: 36:58

Yeah.

J Smiles: 36:59

Okay. So we got to say

Angela: 37:02

My mantra is food is a lifestyle. How you eat is how you live.

J Smiles: 37:08

Okay How you livin? Okay well I'm gonna tell you right now, Chef Angela, ou would not like how I'm living. Okay, I am. I am living wrong. Look Imma go. I'm gonna go ahead and admit how wrong I am living. Look, I'm gonna go ahead with my (beat), go ahead and put my sound effect on it is wrong. It is so wrong how I'm living but I

Angela: 37:35

I can't tell cuz I follow you on Instagram and you always look so beautiful.

J Smiles: 37:40

Oh, thank you. Awww

Angela: 37:45

It doesn't show.

J Smiles: 37:45

Awww, Y'all I paid her, No, I didn't. I didn't pay her. I do appreciate that. I'm trying to keep together. At least I know, at least I know where I go wrong day to day. And then I try to do right the next day equal to how wrong I was the day before. That is what I've decided in code like, Okay, if I have two Vodkas then I have to have two extra bottles of water the next day, that's my rule. If I have a brownie

Angela: 38:11

Yeah

J Smiles: 38:11

If I have a brownie then I have to have two apples. Like it's like you got, that's the best I can do, it has to happen the very next day, or you got to cancel it within 24 hours. That's my rule.

Angela: 38:22

That's a good system. Yeah

J Smiles: 38:24

I don't have no idea what it's doing. But I made it up literally. That's my COVID that is my COVID diet. Absolutely, so we have I am so enjoying speaking with you ,having you on the podcast. We're definitely gonna have you back. There's one thing I know. I want you to share if you would be so kind. You wrote a poem for your mom, I believe it was around Mother's Day.

Angela: 38:49

I did.

J Smiles: 38:50

If you would be so kind as to share that with us. I would really appreciate it.

Angela: 38:54

Are you ready?

J Smiles: 38:55

Yeah I am

Angela: 38:56

Okay, it's called mirror reflections. Mom, mom screaming that all my life but now with a softer tone. Mom, mom. gentleness is what she needs. Patience is what she needs. I miss my mom. Still grieving the loss of old mom. Pre-alzheimer's mom. My go to girl. The sound of her voice made things better.New mom is funnier. Humor is what I need. God's grace is what I need. Thankful she still knows who I am. There go my baby girl been hearing that all my life. Mirrored reflection. I am her. She is me.

J Smiles: 40:00

Thank you. That is very beautiful.

Angela: 40:08

Thank you.

J Smiles: 40:09

Are you a writer?

Angela: 40:12

I am not. I am not. I was just laying in the bed and, you know, just having all these different, you know, feelings and emotion. And you know the hardest, I think one of the hardest things is that I can't make any new memories with my mom because she doesn't. You know, she doesn't remember anything, so there's no new memory.

J Smiles: 40:37

Well, you can't talk to her about it. That's one thing we actually don't know. Right? We don't? We me and you

Angela: 40:43

I never thought about that.

J Smiles: 40:45

Yeah

Angela: 40:45

I never though about that.

J Smiles: 40:46

We don't know what she can remember. We know she can't tell us

Angela: 40:50

Thank you for that.

J Smiles: 40:51

You can remember it.

Angela: 40:52

Yeah.

J Smiles: 40:53

And we don't know, we know, you know, they still they have a lot of well, my mother has a ton of empathy. And from what the neurologists tell me, it's nothing in science suggests that their level of empathy has declined. So we don't really know. So I would like to offer to you.

Angela: 41:16

Yeah

J Smiles: 41:16

That while you can't reminisce verbally with her

Angela: 41:20

Mm hmm.

J Smiles: 41:21

I figure keep making the memories if for nothing else, there, you will have them.

Angela: 41:29

Yes

J Smiles: 41:31

Like this poem, I think the poem is fantastic. And you took well, you know where I think you are right now. Maybe you weren't.

Angela: 41:38

Thank you

J Smiles: 41:40

Maybe your part of being a caregiver is it is it is because you and your mom may not be verbalizing as much about the moment you're sharing perhaps writing is a talent or something that will come out of it for you.

Angela: 41:58

Hmm

J Smiles: 41:59

Stand up comedy came out of caregiving for me. I was, J Smiles was born out of being a caregiver. I mean, I've been cracking jokes and making people laugh my entire life. But this formal stage name character with a .com website and all that that happened. about three years into me being a caregiver, I was I needed a release, Life was hard and heavy and dark. Yeah, I was looking for something and girl, I really was searching the internet and trying to find something. I didn't know if it was gonna be a glass blowing class, or how to make wine. And I thought about I thought about comedy, but I didn't really know if I would be able to find a comedy class. Right, I knew I needed something to start, like the very next month, I was going to jump out of a window. And it just so happened that the improv was doing a comedy writing class that was going to start the very next month, if they hadn't had a comedy writing class starting next month, I would have been somewhere making wine and this might have been a wine sipping podcast. Because I would I knew I was I was on the edge. And I needed an outlet,

Angela: 43:17

Right.

J Smiles: 43:17

And I thought I was just about to do comedy for that little second. And it was just going to be a just a quick little breather, let a little steam out of my hat. By the second week of class, I had fallen madly in love and I was trying to figure out a way to make a longer go with it and actually make a career out of it. And here we are.

Angela: 43:39

Yeah, yeah. Yo, that's interesting, because, you know, your podcasts and comedy is what, what helps you to deal with things and my YouTube channel, I feel like has really saved me from, you know, possibly just going in and out of depression. So, yeah, I think that that would be what I would recommend for anyone who's, you know, walking in the shoes as well. It's just find something and outlet, something that's gonna distract you with something that you're going to enjoy doing.

J Smiles: 44:12

That's right.

Angela: 44:13

Yeah. Put that energy into that.

J Smiles: 44:15

That's right.

Angela: 44:16

Yeah.

J Smiles: 44:16

And what I would, what I think is very poignant that the universe ended up giving me in that it seems it gave you is like I was looking on the internet, trying to find a hobby. I've always enjoyed making people laugh, but I wasn't specifically only looking for a comedy class. And I actually should have been, but I wouldn't even that focused on it because like what is comedy? You know, I go into school for all these degrees. And I you know, I just, I just wasn't thinking like that, but you know, you are a chef. You enjoy cooking and you and your friend said start a YouTube channel around cooking because you know you love it. And so what I would additionally say to people who are listening, what is it the thing that you already enjoy doing? What is it the thing that your friends or your family members or your coworkers turn to you for?

Angela: 45:18

Right

J Smiles: 45:19

Anyway,so even if you haven't done it intentionally before, think about what people lean on you for. So I while I had never been a professional comic, often, whether it was at work, or at family reunions, I was the person that they wanted to be the mistress of ceremony or the keynote speaker or retell joke at the family reunion. Hey, Jay, get up there and tell them about last summer when the blah blah, blah. I was the one they wanted to recount the story. Or to keep the event going, Hey, grab the mic because the people acting crazy down and back, get them to stop and make em shut up while the band is playing. Right, like don't know these people, don't matter just get up there and get their attention. Oh Okay. Yeah, so if I can remember one time, I was at an event with like, like, literally, Johnnie Cochran and like, fancy people like that were in the room and they were like, no, get the mic and get everybody. And I was like, Are you serious right now? I can't get these people. They were like, no, get up there and say something funny, and get their attention cuz we need to kill like about 10 minutes. And I was like, you all are crazy. But really, Angela, I got up there I got the mic and they did shut up and we killed the10 minutes.

Angela: 46:41

Right.

J Smiles: 46:42

And they say you should get paid for this. And I said, I don't know what the hell you're talking about. Now, that was back in the 90s.

Angela: 46:47

Oh, wow.

J Smiles: 46:48

And I would like nobody about to pay me for this. I might be going back to class and go to school in engineering, like something I know. But anyway, here we are. The point is what I'm telling people, I'm hoping that they're hearing from me and for you is what is it the thing that people turn to you for?

Angela: 47:05

Right

J Smiles: 47:06

And use that as a start for that hobby that could be your release while you're a caregiver. Whether you're doing it virtually, you're doing it on YouTube, you just doing it in your bedroom, whatever way whatever it is start somewhere because it is important.

Angela: 47:25

Yeah, I agree.

J Smiles: 47:26

Yes

Angela: 47:27

I agree. I hear, I hear mom.

J Smiles: 47:30

Okay, if you hear your mom then that means this interview is over and that is great. You give your mama a big ol hug and kiss.

Angela: 47:37

I will.

J Smiles: 47:38

And this has been fantastic. Thank you so very much. Godspeed.

Angela: 47:44

It was my pleasure. I so enjoyed speaking with you. I really did.

J Smiles: 47:49

Absolutely I'll have to have you on our ummm, have you on our getvokal, live streaming conversation. T hat is Monday nights. That's a live video conversation where anybody can come in and ask us stuff, so that's a different show. I got to have you on that sometimes. Okay, y'all have a great night, sweetheart.

Angela: 48:13

Well, you have my information.

J Smiles: 48:15

I do.

Angela: 48:15

Reach out to me anytime.

J Smiles: 48:17

Okie dokie. You have a go one and hug your mom for me.

Angela: 48:20

I will, hug your mom as well.

J Smiles: 48:22

Okay sweetheart. Okay. Bye Bye The snuggle up- Number one. You think you had a bad day? Your loved one is trapped in their mind and they can't communicate properly. It's their world you're just a squirrel. Join their fantasy, be in their moment. join their imagination. Number two, caregivers. Go ahead, allow yourself to grieve your loved one who is still alive. Cuz Mama 1.0 is gone. That's why it's called the long good bye. Daddy number 1.0, he ain't here no more. It's okay. It's okay. It's real complicated, because their body is here. But the person who raised you, shall I say the person who reared you, They're not here anymore. Number three, look for the talent that caregiving brings out in you. Or Chef Angela, I think she's a writer now, who knows? Maybe she'll pin a few other things. For me. It's actually being a professional stand up comic. Number four, if you enjoyed this podcast, if you've gotten one single tidbit of help or support, please share it, spread the word, click on it, send the link to someone, it will help. You are my marketing budget. Yep. Thank you. Number five, join us every Monday night for our live streaming show on getvokal.com 9pm. eastern standard time in the United States. I cannot wait to see you, chat with you, hear your questions, and your comments about caregiving. Also sign up for our Parenting Up email list. Both have details in the show notes. That's it for now. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe for continuous caregiving tips tricks, trends and, truth. Pretty Pretty please with sugar on top share and review it too. I'm a comedian, Alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't got to be