Transcript
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Parenting Up, caregiving Adventures with Comedienne Day Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama.
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For over a decade I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat.
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Spoiler alert I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes.
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Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver.
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You are in the right place.
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Hi, this is Zeddy.
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I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast, is that okay?
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Parents it up, family, we in for something special, and this is a what Boom, cut, let's go.
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No, cut and go, we're going to do all of it together.
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Listen, woo Might go to WNBA today.
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We have none other than the one and only Coco Brown.
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It's an A on that, coco too, and if you don't do it, baby, it's Coco now.
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We know her from a bunch of Tyler Perry stuff.
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We know her from 9-1-1, her own comedy special.
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Famous enough, famous enough.
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I can't tell you how many times I watched that thing.
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Oh, really I watched it.
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And I because, as a comedian who absolutely looks up to you and adores you, I was breaking down three minute segments and five minutes.
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I was like how did she transition to this and then get that bit?
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And I was like, yeah, that's tight, that's tight.
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So, um, we're going to get even more into what Coco has going on now and what's going to be coming up, but it's the parents of no podcast.
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So we're here talking about being comedians who are also caregivers, and so often caregivers don't get enough public shine.
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There's an expectation, or shall I say, family caregivers?
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Let me clarify that.
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There's the expectation that you got to be an LPN, a nurse, a RN or you went to school for it, but then it's people like me and Coco where your folks get sick and you got to school for it.
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But then it's people like me and Coco where your folks get sick and you got to figure it out, and while the most of the world's like, oh, but you're so good at being funny, I'm sure you could just make everybody laugh and it's easy.
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Ain't nothing funny?
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Ain't nothing funny when it's your people.
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You have to find the humor in it.
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But that initial first year it was hard.
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It was hard to be given those diagnosis with the two people that you loved first.
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Let everyone know who you cared for.
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Okay, the order, and I know a little bit of the background.
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Right, right right.
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You were doing double duty, yeah, yeah, which is another whole thing.
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I care for my mom, but only my mom, and you're a mother.
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So we're talking about the sandwich generation which I speak on a lot, when you mentally and emotionally and physically, you've got to do something for someone younger than you, yeah, and then your elders, yeah, and when that elder becomes your child too?
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Yes, they don't talk about that.
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2020, my father was diagnosed with early onset dementia.
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2021, my mother was diagnosed with stage four adrenal kidney failure.
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Stage five COPD and breast cancer.
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Okay, hold up, I ain't even did anybody know that you could have five stages.
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I thought stuff stopped at four stages.
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Real talk?
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No, I never heard.
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I didn't know that either.
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I didn't know either.
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Well, basically it was when you the stage four is usually what they say, stage five, stage four I think they give you that maybe, cause it's a, it's a sliver of hope.
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Okay, stage five, five is ain't nothing we can do and you just got to make them as comfortable as humanly possible.
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Um, it's almost like being told they're going to hospice as soon as they get the.
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I got you know, they get the diagnosis.
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I, because I had never heard of a stage five before, right, I was like what you know?
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Um, but I guess that's how her doctor wanted to prepare me for the you know news and it happened fast.
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I mean, you know, I literally found out what was going on.
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My dad had suffered already with diabetes and his diabetes was bad.
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Like my father's pancreas did not work.
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Without insulin my father would die Like within hours, oh wow, because his pancreas had no function.
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So he was on like literally like anywhere from five to eight shots a day.
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If he breathed food or anything with sugar in it, he had to give himself a shot.
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It was crazy watching that my mom's diagnosis was so out of nowhere.
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So she was healthy she was healthy, she was fine.
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She was fine.
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But I do believe a very traumatic incident in our family threw my mom into a tailspin of illness.
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Because when that happened, that's when everything started going haywire, where it was one diagnosis after another with my mother and prior to that traumatic experience that happened in our family, mom was fine and she tried to deny it.
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She tried to go oh, it's this, it's that she was trying to get, you know, self-diagnosed and then she finally decided to figure out what it was.
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My mother was having this issue where she was swelling constantly and like puffing up, like her face would puff up out of nowhere, like her eyes would swell, it just, and it kept happening and they thought it was an allergic reaction, what it was.
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Her kidneys were not processing, her kidneys were shutting down and she had no idea.
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And that came from years and years and years of my mother having high blood pressure and never having that addressed, like it tore up her kidneys.
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And you know I see now, because you know I lived in LA for 12 years and I was in LA.
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I was, you know, rooted and booted in LA and after my divorce I was coming back and forth to film with Tyler when I was on For Better or Worse my divorce.
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I was coming back and forth to film with Tyler when I was on For Better or Worse and I ended up buying some property here in Atlanta, not thinking I was going to have to move, but I moved like a couple of years before everything went down.
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One second, that's what you call success.
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When you buy some property in Atlanta but you also still live in LA, that's called putting your money in brick and mortar because Uncle Sam will rape you.
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Anyway, uncle Sam will rape you, anyway, Uncle Sam will get you if you ain't got nothing, okay, and I moved here, calling myself going to heal from my divorce and regroup and go back to LA.
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But then my parents got sick and then it got to a point that I realized they did not have their affairs in order as I thought they did, realized they did not have their affairs in order as I thought they did.
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My parents did not have wills, my parents did not have medical you know power of attorney.
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My parents didn't have burial plots.
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They had nothing.
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Now Coco along the way, had they been telling you, don't worry, we got this.
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Oh, absolutely Absolutely.
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All of it's in order and in a file cabinet, in a file cabinet, in a file cabinet In a file cabinet, in a file cabinet In the closet Right, I mean my mom, had a little plastic container with a handle and a latch on it and she said all the important papers are in here.
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So I always knew that.
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But you know, all these years, my brother and I, we had to laugh about it after the fact.
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But our parents drilled in us, drilled in us get your affairs order, handle your business, don't be out here slipping.
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And then we were like but you didn't, but what I had to get?
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Wills, power of attorney, durable medical power of attorney and conservatorship all at the same time, before my dad's dementia really kicked in.
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I Right, because he had just had a stroke and he had lost some of his memory.
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But they said, with the dementia, it might be rapid.
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Had a stroke and he had lost some of his memory.
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But they said, with the dementia, it might be rapid, it might be slow.
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They didn't know.
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So I knew why he was in his right mind.
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I had a very small window to make sure that I got medical power of attorneys and I got wills done.
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Now this you said 2020 and 2021.
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So this is, the pandemic is raging, yeah, and they, the medical world, is saying, hey, you don't even come to the hospital or call your doctor, or call 911.
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My mom was having a dialysis in full blown, covid, unless you are on the edge Right.
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So you're dealing with two parents on the edge and all this stuff.
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My father's home going through his situation, my mom's going out every day in full-blown COVID to get dialysis.
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This is one of the situations that I don't.
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I will never question God and what he can do.
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Okay, because I couldn't get to them to be there physically, but ever so often, because of the pandemic, I was able to hire a nurse to go and take care of my parents and to this day, I don't know where I got 11 grand a month from.
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To this day, I don't know.
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I don't know, but I was writing that check.
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Nor do you probably care.
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I don't care.
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I don't care.
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But somehow during the pandemic and after the pandemic, up until 22, when my mother passed away.
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I literally he go live in grand.
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Please take care of my parents.
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Like seriously I don't know where it came from, but somehow it always miraculously popped up.
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I was able to write those checks every week to make sure that that nurse was there taking care of my parents, feeding my parents, cooking for my parents, taking my parents to doctor's appointments.
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You know, keeping me abreast of what's going on.
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I mean, I still don't know how that happened, that's right.
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But God did it, you know, and I didn't skip a beat in my own household.
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You know, it wasn't you Right, I know it wasn't me.
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That's the point you know it wasn't you.
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It was a full-blown pandemic and most of my I started a couple of businesses that were very lucrative during the pandemic, but I was also still trying to tell jokes online and on zoom, and all that and you were doing very good at that and everybody started laughing.
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I had something, you know, yeah and, but somehow I was able to continue to write those checks and then, when the pandemic was over, I was able to go back to work and god bless me, at one point I was on five TV shows at the same time.
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I was reoccurring on five TV shows.
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I was reoccurring on five TV shows.
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All right, young folks, I was able to go to LA, work, you know, get tested, be on mask on set, get to my parents, you know.
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You know, I became a million miler on Delta, flying back and forth to Virginia.
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I know that's right.
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Because I was having to go so much because daddy's dementia started kicking in and he started forgetting people, forgetting things.
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We had to hide his car keys because he'd come home and a whole side view mirror would be going and he don't know where it went, you know.
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Okay, yes, well, you know what, dad?
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We got an idea.
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We got an idea that the mirror didn't just fall off.
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You probably hit something.
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So give us the keys.
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Like running joke, was me and my brother would say go check the bottom of the car, make sure ain't no body under there.
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But we didn't know what daddy had done.
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You know, like you go check.
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No, you go check.
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You know what were the signs Because, with the Parenting Up community, there are a lot of people, coco, who follow us, who are new to the community, and they, they are caregivers.
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Yeah, kinda they.
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Just they still stopping by mama's house on Sunday.
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Right After church to check on her once a week.
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Yeah, they might see some slipping, but they don't know.
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Is this just old age?
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Do I need to get involved?
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Yeah, what were some of the things that you said.
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You know what?
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No, this is not just some regular old age.
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I got to get in this, me, my brother, somebody.
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We got to get a nurse, right?
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now I realized that my parents, even though they were one of the old school parents, that they refused to leave their home.
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You know, their home was their pride and joy.
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That was my granddaddy, I offered to put them in an assisted living community.
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You know one of those like really nice high rises for people 55 and up.
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I like let's sell the house, let's do this and put the money from the house in a trust and that pays your rent.
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I mean, I was, I'm, I'm, I'm Okay trust you, better talk it.
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No, trust me.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Okay, look, y'all better learn.
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Okay, okay and um, they just refused to leave the house.
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And then I realized, you know, my mom was like well, what you could want well, mommy, I can't give up my career because if I come home and I do this 24 7, how am I going to pay for you right?
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You know you guys are living on a fixed budget on your retirement did that click with with them?
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did they, did they follow you, daddy yes, well see, daddy was different.
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If daddy had known I was doing a third of what I was doing, he would have lost his mind.
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I had to hide everything I was doing for my dad, like no joke.
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He found out that I had a subscription for his depends and he went ballistic because I was paying for his depends.
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So if he had known that I was paying for this nurse and paying for this, oh, he'd have lost it.
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Mom, on the other hand, was we need more?
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We need more.
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We need more.
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Why don't you come home, since you over there doing all that working, come on, send us some more.
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No disrespect.
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Love you, mommy, but it was never enough.
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It was always something more.
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And I was always going above, trying to be that good daughter, like okay, okay.
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And it was situations where you know it caused a divide between me and my brother.
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Really, because I was doing way more than him, okay.
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But I also understood he was in a position that he had a wife and kids, okay, and he had to keep a happy home, okay, and he couldn't do but so much without taking away from his wife and kids.
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And that was a double entendre for him when me it was like once I realized the situation he was in of not being able to do as much as he wanted to do because certain individuals didn't want to change their lifestyle to accommodate what needed to be done.
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Okay, certain individuals let's just keep it one-handed Picking it up, got it.
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Certain individuals didn't want to change their lifestyle.
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I had certain individuals in my family too Is that on the other like black, white, asian.
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Certain individuals that's a new box to check Didn't want to change the lifestyle to accommodate my brother helping me and it almost caused a serious divide between me and my brother.
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But when we finally it was literally after my mom passed because daddy passed first and mommy that we had a conversation and I had to accept and understand the position he was in.
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I had no one to answer to, so everything I did, unless my kid, and my kid at the time understood the assignment.
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I've been blessed with a very mature kid to get stuff and he knew that I had to take care of grandma and papa.
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Right, you have one child.
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I have one child.
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I've been blessed with a very mature kid to get stuff and he knew that I had to take care of grandma and papa.
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You have one child, right, I have one child, and during the time he was like 9, 10.
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And he kind of got it because he didn't see anything missing in his life, even though I was taking from us and trying to replenish it to Like he didn't know, because I made sure he didn't know that, okay, we may not be able to go to Disney this year, but let's go to Six Flags, that's right.
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What we still going to do is be on some rides.
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Right, we're going to be on some rides, get some cotton candy and we're going to be outside.
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We're going to be outside.
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We might just be able to go and stay in Florida for a week.
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Listen black women make it work.
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Right, because I was still of those things that I began to see daddy, when dad couldn't remember certain things and dad's personality began to change.
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My father was a very distinct man Okay, Like his personality was very distinct.
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Quiet man, a few words, but when he spoke you stopped.
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That man would drop a gem on you and you'd be like, and then he'd go right back to watching Andy.
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Griffith when he wasn't even there.
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I love those kind of people, you know what I'm saying.
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My dad.
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He would just be sitting there talking you know what love bug and he would drop something and he'd go right back to watching.
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You know, texas Walker Ranger.
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That's right, like it off that one phrase.
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And then, when I saw his personality changing, where daddy started being way more talkative, that was a sign to me, because my dad was not a chatterbox.
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Listen, parents in our community, we're going to take just a sneak of a button on that.
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That is what comes with being a family caregiver when somebody has been locked in Because someone who didn't talk a lot, who now is just talking more, a doctor or someone in the hospital wouldn't say, well, what's wrong, that's not anything.
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But you're like, oh, what's wrong?
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That ain't my daddy, that ain't my daddy, that's not how my daddy is.
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Me and my dad could sit in that Florida room.
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He'd be in his favorite lazy boy.
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I'd be sitting on the love seat and we'd be watching old shows like Gunsmoke.
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Yeah, you know, and you know caught right and it'd be silence.
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It was like me and my father had a relationship, that we could have silent conversations.
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I always say that, okay, that's scary Me and my father.
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We could literally be sitting.
00:16:57.214 --> 00:16:57.619
That's very scary.
00:17:00.927 --> 00:17:12.680
I mean, like seriously, we could laugh at the same time and he'd look at me and I look at him like you know what I'm saying and it's like we, we knew like that was crazy, or whatever.
00:17:12.680 --> 00:17:19.443
So when my father became a chatterbox and then it was to the point that he wasn't making sense okay, that was the like.
00:17:19.443 --> 00:17:24.242
Okay, wait, dad is talking way more and he's not making sense that's when I knew the dementia was kicking in.
00:17:24.242 --> 00:17:27.210
Uh, when he would be like uh, uh, uh, call, call.
00:17:27.210 --> 00:17:28.192
I'm like call who, daddy?
00:17:28.192 --> 00:17:33.662
Call the woman down the hall, your wife, you know.
00:17:33.662 --> 00:17:42.361
And you know it got to a point I literally made a joke about this that towards the end, my dad's dementia got to the point that he thought I was his wife.
00:17:42.361 --> 00:17:44.804
I'm Love bug, I'm Farrah, you know.
00:17:45.104 --> 00:17:48.147
And he's like baby sweetie and I know he called my mama baby and sweetie.
00:17:48.147 --> 00:17:49.429
He called me love bug.
00:17:49.689 --> 00:17:49.788
Okay.
00:17:49.808 --> 00:17:50.790
You know what I'm saying?
00:17:50.790 --> 00:17:54.334
Only Farrah, when he was like seriously like, mad at me.
00:17:54.394 --> 00:17:56.236
Very not happy, yeah, not happy.
00:17:56.277 --> 00:17:57.480
Yeah and so.
00:17:57.480 --> 00:18:09.281
But I remember you know how God is so good when they brought my dad home, when they said there was nothing more that they could do and we put him in hospice and he had mentioned to me before he got sick that he wanted to be in his own home.
00:18:09.281 --> 00:18:15.667
He didn't want to be in nobody's hospital, and I promised him that and we set up my brother's old bedroom for the hospice people and all that.
00:18:15.667 --> 00:18:17.661
And I remember that day I was at the hospital.
00:18:17.661 --> 00:18:18.986
My dad was comatose.
00:18:18.986 --> 00:18:23.299
They had doped him up so much because of the pain and stuff him up so much because of the pain and stuff.
00:18:23.299 --> 00:18:27.523
When they walked him through that door that night I had my daddy.
00:18:27.523 --> 00:18:29.329
He was talking.
00:18:29.329 --> 00:18:34.046
He was so normal, it was freakish, I don't know what it was.
