Sign up to get updates from us
J Smiles' completes the two part conversation with Dr. Sandea Greene-Harris, neurosurgeon and caregiver. Dr. Sandy clears up a common misconception of dementia. The two share personal stories of prioritizing caregiving responsibilities. The laughs are infectious as they recount a few childhood memories from Montgomery, Alabama. This conversation provides raw insight and supportive methods to get through life as a caregiver.
You have to think about things from the other person's perspective even if it's just a matter of this isn't reality this is her reality you know this is what's happening for her not for me.
J Smiles:Right I agree with that completely and I know that what has helped me is my full trust in my mother's love. I know when that lady was healthy that she loved me and wouldn't have tried to hurt me right like we had house things and I agree with this that and other but pound for pound Zetty won't ever out to get JG you weren't trying to kill me or trying to ruin my life? So when I see or feel or sense anything that's antagonistic, I do have to step out the room or take a deep breath or turn around for a second. Yes, and say now you know that I really hurt that's not your momma. Parenting of caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles, is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mom. for almost a decade. I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing all times awareness on anyone and anything with the heartbeat.
Spoiler Alert:I started comedy because this stuff is so heavy. Be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.
Zetty:This is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that Okay?
J Smiles:Today's episode, Dr. Sandy, the neurosurgeon and caregiver, part two. When she is distressed and unreasonable, I have to say, Jay, it might look like Zetty but that's not a healthy version of your mama. That ain't really her. Yeah, you know, it's kind of like lean into the body of work, which is the same thing that they say like okay, like from the from from the show scandal, which I love when Olivia Pope or anything else like that. What I did is around crisis management, right? in detail. You look at the body of work where there's an athlete or celebrity, Yes, okay. They had one bad event, they got into a fight at a party. Maybe they had a DUI, but oh my goodness, for 40 years, they've been upstanding citizens. I was going throw them out and hate them off this one event. So I'm looking back at Zetty, my momma and I'm like, well, for all these years, this lady held my bag.
Dr. Sandy:Yes. And beat people off me and gave me everything she had. And just cuz she just kicked and scratched you. I'm just, she's pitched, my mom pinched hard, it hurt....it bruised. It hurt it bruised. Oh, that was a walk out the room situation. No, ma'am. But I totally get what you're saying because it bruised. I never bruise I never knew I bruised. You know, I never knew where you weren't pinch, right? I wouldn't pinch right in the right place. So, so yeah, so but it doesn't last long. And that I'm with you on that one. The number of people call or text to say just checking in on Mama, you know, all the people that I grew up with who I know she helped and they helped her it means a lot. They know what kind of person she will
J Smiles:know her heart right heart exam, others that asked me who are newer to being a caregiver and they say, well, Jay, how do you do it? And what do you think and one thing that I consistently say is remember the best of them now first of all, everyone's relationship with their loved one one all positive. Okay. All right now I'm not trying to say it was all roses. All I'm saying is if you chose to become their caregiver, because it is a choice. Oh, you That's it. Nobody make you decide to be a caregiver. I mean, you didn't have to just because they started losing a mind and wandering around, you have to go pick them up and move them in or move in with them. You chose to accept the responsibility, whatever made you choose to accept the responsibility lean into that, you know that eggs lean into that. And then recall the best part of them that the best part of them may happen but 30% of the time, just where the hell out of that 30% of your memory.
Dr. Sandy:Yes, Yes
J Smiles:Try to recall that as much as possible, because you made it now. Yes, now you're in it,
Dr. Sandy:People will see what kind of person you are true.
J Smiles:And they say the blessings come back tenfold. I'm not trying to say not trying to do stuff but what's gonna come later but I'm just saying that supposedly It ain't gonna hurt you. If you're doing right on right by somebody you do right by somebody, especially somebody that can't help themselves. And if they all sick people, if you have old sick people, come on now. It's got to come back. I mean, it just it can't hurt you. It can't hurt you. All right. Let me see something else I want to talk to you about now. This is a little more With a doctor hat on, okay, all right. No, once you take a second we will real Sandy hat. Okay, who was Sandy? We will Mama. You know what I am saying.
Dr. Sandy:The daughter's gonna walk out the room doctors coming back.
J Smiles:Yeah. Did to give a time. Okay.
Dr. Sandy:I thought you know, I'm not a professional. I'm not I'm not an expert.
J Smiles:I don't. I'm about to ask you expert questions
Dr. Sandy:outside of
J Smiles:I'm not going to ask you an expert question. I wouldn't do that.
Dr. Sandy:I'm an expert in a way.
J Smiles:First of all, I don't even know enough to ask an expert question. (laughter) As a neurosurgeon, just in your neurosurgeon hat, what you got to understand is, okay, this is the joke that I have to tell people simply because I'm a lawyer, every nine lawyer wants to ask me any question about the law, about anything. It could be a DUI, it could be constitutional law, could be bankruptcy, it could be real estate, because they're like, Hey, you went to law school? And I'm like, oh man, you have no idea how this thing works. So I know you are coming from that same vantage point. I'm telling you, baby for me.
Dr. Sandy:You could tell me where to go thoughto find my
J Smiles:You're gonna know my answer. Yeah, watch it. Okay. answer. Watch as a neurosurgeon, just in a really global broad stroke. What is something that you believe is misunderstood about brain disease, health, dementia, blah, blah, blah...by those of u that's not in the medical field.
Dr. Sandy:No, no. So in terms of cognitive decline, one of the more general things we know about Alzheimer's or any kind of dementia is that there is a roadblock somewhere, neurons have to talk to each other to make things happen. There's a area of the brain that begins to pre plan in the brain. There's an area of the brain that gets the muscles ready. There's an area of brain that coordinates the movement, and there's area of the spinal cord that executes
J Smiles:Oh, hold on. I'm sorry. See what I mean? Yeah, everybody, I told you, I told y'all I told her she knew she thought about to ask something, it was fancy to me I knew for her it was gonna be one plus one Thank you continue.
Dr. Sandy:So with with certain types of Alzheimers, remember, you've been mentioned that the neural sign I said that there are tangles and those tangles to me are roadblocks, you know, that near one neuron is not talking to the other neuron about thing and it can happen in any part of the brain. And we say, well, can't you biopsy? Can'y you figure it out? Because those tangles can happen in any part of the brain, it's impossible to just biopsy one area and be sure that you're going to come up with the diagnosis. So I remember you said Miss Smith cuz you know, I that's what I've always called her.
J Smiles:I know, we know, we, hey, we are Catholic Southern girls. Okay, so he's got to call folks momma by their proper name.
Dr. Sandy:Unless you're just in house. As you said that one of her first signs was her numbers were off. And you know, and math and calculations happen in a certain area of the brain and her happens on the left side of the brain. So you know, you could take a chance and biopsy the left side of brain, but you may come up with nothing, nothing diagnostic. That's one thing with this process, it can't do a blood test. You can't do an MRI. Now some types of dementia that are due to strokes and things like that. You can see loss of brain tissue or several areas of old strokes, you can see those things that are hot, but you can't say that's the only kind of dementia they have.
J Smiles:Gotcha.
Dr. Sandy:It is a real process that's happening. But we just can't tell you and your piece of paper saying See, her sugar 700 This is why she's unconscious. Yeah, so people with psychiatric conditions in the African American community are traditionally frowned upon, we don't know what to do with it. Because we've never had money or medicine to treat it. We always know who was special down the street.
J Smiles:That's correct.
Dr. Sandy:It was never accepted, how many of us are actually depressed and just won't go take the medicine to balance out those hormones or bipolar, right? It's a real thing. And when I walk out the room from the one of our interactions, I remind myself that you know, when you're going down a flight of stairs for exam, that's a control fall, we used to doing it, but all it is is a controlled fall.
J Smiles:Okay.
Dr. Sandy:And if there's one area of your brain, that's not working, that's not communicating with the other, you're going to fall down stairs, you're doing business there, you're gonna miss a step, it will not be controlled, the same as walking. No. And that's why a lot of Alzheimer's patients dementia patients begin to fall or their or their balances off when they get up and do things. I just need people to understand that it's real. And it's happening in areas of the brain that sporadically and it affects reasoning. That's why I went into the neurosciences. It's just the brain just does so much without us even thinking about it. We only know about it when it stops doing it.
J Smiles:The irony of that. We know the brain isn't working when it stops working and stops work. Now that's not funny. I have to talk to Jesus when whenever it is, is like for real dude that the best you could come up with that. Okay, okay, so I have a few questions. I think about what you just said to make sure I understood what you said. Is it accurate that a stroke can lead to dementia?
Dr. Sandy:Yes, you can lose tissue that is integral in memory.
J Smiles:Okay.
Dr. Sandy:It's integral in logic, art, anything.
J Smiles:Gotcha.
Dr. Sandy:And people get so good at compensating right? And, or they have people around them that helps hide it, or they have a reason to compensate for it. And I really just listening to your description of what you went through initially with your mom, you know, she had a reason to compensate for, you know, whatever issue she was having.
J Smiles:Right
Dr. Sandy:Or someone was there to help her in those missteps.
J Smiles:Gotcha. Okay, next follow up on would you say that? Is it true that mental illness can lead to some form of dementia, so maybe depression or bipolar or anything like that,
Dr. Sandy:To me, I would think it would be the other way around. Bipolar you can be bipolar or manic depressive, but able to compensate for it. You can be depressed but able to compensate for it. I mean, you know, just Robin Williams, for example.
J Smiles:Correct.
Dr. Sandy:You know, clearly he was depressed in some form.
J Smiles:He had something going on
Dr. Sandy:But he was able to compensate for it for a very long time successful at doing that.
J Smiles:Yes.
Dr. Sandy:So to me, I think that dementia robs you of the ability to hide it from your family and friends.
J Smiles:Okay.
Dr. Sandy:As opposed to the word right now, you know, dimensions are associated with paranoia. Like my mom has a lot of anxiety. She's paranoid. It comes with those features.
J Smiles:Understood. Got it. Thank you.
Dr. Sandy:You're welcome
J Smiles:See
Dr. Sandy:Small things. I can do this. (cheers)
J Smiles:couldn't wait to get to that. But that was the best part of this, Doc. He said. I couldn't wait to do it. That's fantastic. So now I want to say something fun about our childhood.
Dr. Sandy:Okay.
J Smiles:We grew up in Montgomery, Alabama, Westside. Yes. All right. We went to the St. Jude. My parents. Miss Duncan was our first grade teacher. Just give me it. We were in the band together. Yes. Did you play flute? I didn't play the flute. Oh,you were I play saxophone. Look at that. Okay, so give me a memory for myself say do i mean you don't have to be the two of us. Just give me a memory about St. Jude. I want to let everybody know tonight St. Jude historic all black Catholic first through 12th grade back when there weren't any hospitals that would service black people. St. Jude had a hospital. It had a exceptional home for children who for kids who had deformities and things. My mama and all her siblings were born in St. Jude hospital. A heart surgeon was like that all the doc, all the doctors were there. And
Dr. Sandy:My aunt was a nurse and my other aunt was in the cafeteria.
J Smiles:That's right. Yeah, that's right. I mean this Yes. Yes. way in I mean, St. Jude was so bad for the black community. You have to be Catholic to go to St Jude you know, okay, a lot. It was the school to go to, to get a solid education to learn how to act. Okay, get good penmanship. Yes, it was serious about that phonics. I didn't get the phonics. phonics was still awful.
Dr. Sandy:With all that being said it was the camp site for the Selma to Montgomery. It is smart natural was the only place in Montgomery that would allow the marchers to stop and rest. That is correct on their way to the Capitol.
J Smiles:That iscorrect. It is a NAT it is a National Historic Landmark. Yes. Oh, no, that's right. Don't remember stuff. Which is good as since you cuddle people, right.
Dr. Sandy:So but with all that being said, the one memory I have is when the nun left the convent. Right.
J Smiles:We got put I got put out.
Dr. Sandy:I thought we was going hell.Oh, that happened in the same day.
J Smiles:Yeah. I got put out that's kind of started a little bit of a protest. And then they put me out.
Dr. Sandy:I blocked all that. I just remember I knew he was going to hell because I'm like, Okay, well, we that bad that, you know, this lady said Jesus can't even help us. So, you know, and I still don't know, like, what happened, but, you know, you know, they wouldn't tell us anybody leave the convent.
J Smiles:They wouldn't tell us what happened was and that's why and that was why I was protesting.
Dr. Sandy:Oh, did I protest?
J Smiles:Well, you did join in but they only put out the people who started it. Huh, me?
Dr. Sandy:Who started with
J Smiles:Pascha
Dr. Sandy:Ah, that's what happened Pascha.All y'all went to cloverdale. And I have I want to go to cloverdale.
J Smiles:Everybody that left that next year, went to cloverdale they decided we started it.
Dr. Sandy:Oh, I want to go without too. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't make Any who? I remember. I remember Miss Duncan and Mr. Duncan. He's the one that he's the first person to pinch but my momma's pitch.
J Smiles:Mr. Duncan can pitch hard. So Miss Duncan was the first grade teacher and Mr. Duncan was 8th grade teacher, so the Duncans got you in and got you out. Yes. I remember the candy store right there on the corner across.
Dr. Sandy:Yes, they sold pig. Yeah. Pickled, pickled and pink but yeah, jar. Yeah. And I used to bond to $1
J Smiles:A whole dollar. That's expensive. That kind of money. We wouldn't get that kind of money from back then.
Dr. Sandy:No probably you know on a roll money or you didn't get a lot of A's a fine and change and stuff so but you then roll with it change still to this day was amazing. And it was those women looked out for us they did when you're hearing all these horrible things that are happening with with folks in the Catholic Church. You know, and Willie, you know, Willie's Baptist, my husband. Yes. And he looks at me because we attend our late Our Lady of Lourdes here in Atlanta, which is all black, but you know, it's mixed congregation, right. Catholic Church, Catholic Church. Yes. And he's looking at me sideways like William Hill that I said, Listen, those women and go Let nothing happen. They want no ways around the corner. So yeah. So to me, I couldn't fathom what these people are going through. And it's unfortunate, but they looked out for me.
J Smiles:We had a great experience. Yes. Whoo.
Dr. Sandy:Deacon Magmean
J Smiles:Absolutely. Remember Sister Theophane.
Dr. Sandy:I do. Oh, they used to. You weren't getting you wouldn't get in too far.
J Smiles:No, you weren't. I do remember thinking that they cared. They really knew all about names. They knew where our strengths lie in certain subjects and things like that. Also, remember that every Friday we had a frozen block of fish. I mean, it was fish every Friday was fish. It was square, square. Square, flat, right. And cornbread. Yeah, no choice. Yeah. No, it was Catholic. So we had to have fish every day. Not just lint, every Friday. Yep. And cornbread. And my grandmother was so mad because my grandfather from the country. He when I saw him do was he always smashed his cornbread and put milk over it.
Dr. Sandy:Milk or buttermilk?
J Smiles:He put butter milk, you better come through. Better come though granddaddy was real. Well, we have butter milk in the school cafe, but I will get the milk in the middle of the square container in our trade. I would smash it. But when my It was years into it, my grandma found out I was doing it at school. She was so devastated. She said you're doing that in public. I don't know what those people are thinking. That is so common. Ah. And I got in trouble. And I was mad at my granddaddy, I was like, why didn't you didn't even tell me? I wasn't supposed to do it like you is delicious.
Dr. Sandy:Did you eat it with your fingers?
J Smiles:Well, cuz that's that's how you do it? Yes. Well, I didn't have a spoon.
Dr. Sandy:Oh, it tastes good.
J Smiles:Well, I'm gonna say this. It depends on if they had a spoon or fork. Couldn't do it with a fork. Just depends on when I got through the line.
Dr. Sandy:That's too funny. And then I got in trouble.
J Smiles:But that's it
Dr. Sandy:Proper.
J Smiles:Kinda.
Dr. Sandy:It's worked out for us. I think it worked out for us.
J Smiles:I think we did. All right. I think so. Far West out of Montgomery, Alabama.
Dr. Sandy:Discipline was everything. Yes. Discipline will get you far.
J Smiles:And yeah, discipline and dedication. And, you know, in most of the time, just tell the truth. Right. Even when you didn't quite do what you said you would if you get called out on it. It's gonna be like what I'm telling you, right. I quite take you punishment. Take your punishment. That's it. Move on. Nobody take your punishment and move on. Because you know what, as it turns out, other people have made mistakes? Oh, yeah. Okay. And so if you just go home and my grandfather would say fess up. Yes, go and fess up. And so what I'm gonna fess up to before we wind this down is literally thought to Sandy, and I've said this to more people, and you will ever believe you answering that phone Friday night changed the trajectory of my life, because it gave me a confidence in the decision that I needed to make, which then changed my energy. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have made a decision. But my mother's energy was vibing off of mine. Yeah, she didn't have anybody. And she was more afraid than I was because her body was failing her and she knew it. Yes. Right. But I was able to make those decisions and walk in with some sense of nothing else, but fake confidence, you know, because of your willingness to share. And well first of all, you had the knowledge praise, Lord, that you had enough. But I just need you to know that as simple as that conversation may have been in your world and in your life at that time. It was like I'm starting to sweat. Those weightings. It's like I'm performing something as simple as that may have been in your life at that time. It was so major for me and that's what I hope others can gain from this and from this podcast is you never know what your kindness and what you're giving and your generosity something that's very small for you can change another person's life. You answering that call and not making me wait when I said Nope, can't wait. You trusted me that he couldn't wait right? and answering me wholeheartedly. Do majorah I'll never have enough words. And then when I get my mom back to Atlanta, you made room in your calendar. You weren't even taking new patients. You just was like, Well, yeah, anyway, you call you like you call my staff and you tell them that I said that that's my aunt and to you know, Alright, see you next week.
Dr. Sandy:Yeah, you know, you never know what impact you might have on and and I never knew until you know, I listened to your podcast, right? It was in my memory bank, but not, you know, a call me. So thank you for saying that, that that means a lot in it. It helps me to remember to smile and be nice. Back Back to sangee. That's right.
J Smiles:Just smileand be nice, because I was gonna put what I can say I can only imagine, you know, you're dealing with people's brain for a living every time you go to work. And so who knows how many times you had to talk to somebody about it? Right? It could just it could become though and old hat. And I'm not trying to be insensitive about it. But it's
Dr. Sandy:When it does. It's time to retire.
J Smiles:Boom.
Dr. Sandy:Everybody's story is different. Everybody's presentation is different.
J Smiles:So that's why you from Montegomery, AL but you are a gumpgirl.
Dr. Sandy:Proud.
J Smiles:Proud gump girl. Okay, that's why class 89, we are
Dr. Sandy:There it is for me. There it is. class of 89, boom, we do we DST, but my story is that's why God made you a neurosurgeon so that 20 some years later, you could help save my mother's life. So boom
J Smiles:Good enough for me, sweetheart. It has been so much fun chatting with you. And I might have to have you back if you're willing.
Dr. Sandy:Okay, this was fun.
J Smiles:All right. Thank you.
J Smiles: The snuggle up:Being a caregiver is an exercise in
Dr. Sandy:Thank you crisis management. At any given point, it can all hit the fan. When it does think about who your loved one used to be. Who was he or she at their best at their shining moment? What was their brand? What were they known for? Lean into that and make sure that other people treat and respect them
accordingly. Another snuggle up:Don't be your professional or public slash community persona with your loved one. If that's your mama, be your mama's son or daughter. You know what I'm saying? Leave work outside, lean into snuggle up to the relationship that meant enough to you to take on the responsibility of being a caregiver. Another snuggle up: Alzheimer's is real, dementia i real. Dementia causes sporadi freakouts among the neurons i neurological communications i our brain. Yeah. So your love one doesn't do the same quirky unreasonable things day to day It changes. They don't have ny control over the disease is ust that wacky? That's it for ow. Thank you for listening. lease subscribe for continuous aregiving tips, tricks, trends nd truth. Pretty, Pretty pleas with sugar on top share an review it too. I'm a comedian Alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't got
