PART 2: A conversation with caregiver DeWanda Smith, The Zetty Whisperer

Whats your suggestion or advice on something that a caregiver should really never do? If at all possible, they should avoid it.

Well, besides being aggressive with them, or show anger or arguing...

Okay, yeah.

That's a really big one there. Its hard not arguing with somebody when youre trying to get them to do something. And firstly, if they say something to you, that you know is not right...You just want to be right. But you're never gonna be right. You cant make them understand.

*laughs* You can't be right with somebody with Alzheimer's. ParentingUp! Caregiving adventures with the Comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mama. For almost a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with the heartbeat. Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

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Zetty Whisperer Part 2 Tell me a few things that are very challenging about being a caregiver.

For me, I think, and I guess it depends on, on who you're... what the person's situation is that you are caregiving for. The number one.. its not necessarily the work.. its how much you get.. if you can get the other person to do and to work with you. Or if you can get them to understand what you need from them. You know, if its a situation like Alzheimer's or Dementia. And that's the hard part right there. And to be able to have the pace that youre going to need, and all that comes with it. And compassion of what they're going through. Unless its something really physical, the work is not that hard.

But it's an emotion.. its emotionally and intellectually draining.

Yes. Emotionally, intellectually. Patiece and all of that. And believe me, your patience can be drained. But you have to keep it and it has to be.. like you can't change your patience with that of a person being there and become aggressive and making them feel...I don't know, I guess making them feel bad. Because they're not understanding what you need. I've seen that happen. And I've actually seen people with Alzheimer's and people make them cry. And I don't know if they know why they're crying. But I know that they may feel bad because the other person is yelling at them or snatching something from them or just showing a lot of impatience. And then they really don't know what to do. They not.. they don't understand what you're asking.

Yeah, that's, that's heavy. That's heavy. It's hard. And it's true.

Yeah. And it is true. And I've seen it happen. And I've seen it happen even with, you know, my relatives, I had a few relatives that had Alzheimer's. And so that's the hardest part is when you get involved emotionally, I think, right. And another thing too, even when you become emotionally involved with them, because God knows I mean, as long as I worked with George for a long time, and I really, really cared about him. I'm very emotionally involved with Zetty way more than I would ever have been

Much, much to my benefit, I must say.

Yes, you have to keep it at a level, even with your emotions, that okay... this is what I need to do, and get it back to the fact that I have to do this, you know, to make sure that they're safe and that their well being is taken care of. Because your emotions can take over. And sometimes it can go into.. it can put you in another place, even though that's not what your intentions were. Right, your intentions were to stay professional. But if you get so emotional that you lose all of that, then you both are wrong.

That's right.

If the person cant help you. And you know, I mean, and I know that you can become so emotional, too. You can just get to a point where you just want to sit down, hold the other person's hands and say.. Okay, weve had it. We don't.. I don't know what to do. I can't help. And that's not going to help anybody. You got to keep your head all the time.

That's amazing. It's amazing that you're able to do that.

Even when you're emotional. You have to calm yourself down. Take care of yourself, figure out a way. If you need to get therapy, go to therapy, whatever it is because that's very hard.

Yeah therapy. Support groups, theres lots support groups on social media, there are support groups at church, and a lot of those resources are, you know, come without a cost tag, you know. I'm not saying you can get the people to move in with you, but theit certainly are a lot of services that are available that can at least help you take the edge off, so to speak. And I know that that is a big deal. I know I had to figure it out. Absolutely. It was probably about 18 months into me caring for my mom, after my dad died. And then my mom had been diagnosed, it might have been about 18 months, and I...I had to go into counseling. It was gonna either be that, or we knew everything was gonna fall apart. Because I was falling apart. I was having ..my body was hurting, my mind wasnt working. My brain wasn't clicking as well. I could remember just being, you know, very anxious and very short tempered in it. So it was taking me outside of my normal personality. So counseling was definitely something that helped me. I remember something too DeWanda that was fun that we did..which was when I threw Zettys 65th birthday party. And we had a surprise party. And Gladys Knight was the entertainment. I dont even think we can call her entertainment.... Gladys Knight was the reason there was a party.

Yeah, but Zetty enjoyed it. I'm not sure if she knew the whole concept of what's going on. But she enjoyed it.. she danced, she lookrf so pretty that night. She had a good time.

And that's an example of how the day before might have been tough. But that day was a good day. She enjoyed the music. I remember her getting up and dancing. She knew the words to every song. Now she might not have known what day it was or year what year it was. But she remembered those Gladys Knight songs. Gladys Knight has been her all time favorite singer since I think since the early 70s, or something. And so it was.. it was very rewarding to see her respond in such an energetic way. And I remember you were there with us. And you coming over to her table. And then she kind of just stood up and started two-stepping with you! And it warmed my heart that she had that kind of connection with you that even in a room filled with blood relatives and friends that she had known for decades... your Spirit did something for her in that moment, and certainly helped her enjoy it even more.

She had a very good time. And you could tell. You could feel it and see it and she danced with you. And it was very nice. I think when it's your own parents, I think that's the hardest part. You have a connection with your mother like my friend to her mom.. who was a principal for years and years and years. So it's very hard to see her being a principal and being very stern and now she (my friend) has to be the strong person for her mom and the concept is hard for her to get.

That's painful. I might need to give her a call. I remember when I had to cross that threshold, it hurt. It hurt a lot. I didn't want...I did not want to accept that what I'm gonna call my real Mama, the mama who reared me, it was very hard to accept that she wasn't coming back. I you know, at first I was like, Yeah, she's just having a bad way. I thought she was depressed and grieving my dad, I was just gonna give her a little time to work through it. But when it was confirmed that she had basically two forms of dementia and that her cognitive abilities would just continue to decline. It took a second for me to digest the idea, just even let alone what I have to do to care for her and be around her. But just the concept that my mamas gone. She's still alive. But the way I talk to her, the way I engage her, where we go, what we do...that all died. All of that died. That's gone. That's gone. So there's like a new relationship. totally new relationship with a person who physically looks exactly like my mama.

I could see the transition. I could see you go from not being able to accept it. Once it clicked, and you realized okay, yeah, this is this is it. We're not going back. We can't go back. We would love to go back. But we can't. Then you went into mode of Okay, what can we do to get the best care?

That's right.

And that's when the wheels start turning in another direction and that direction.,..That's not easy either. It's not always easy and it still hurts. I'm sure it does.

Yes.

Never going to not hurt. That's why you keep the present. You know the present is the only thing you got now. Like you say, she looks exactly the same!

she loves it. She looks the same. She smiled. She smiled the same. She talks the same. She hooks the same. She smells the same like this. There's a spot on my mother's on her temple on her forehead, kind of right where her hairline beats. Temple, on my mother and on her mother and then all her Mama's Mama. So there's three generations. And I knew all of them very well. And they all have the same smell right there in their hairline in Nowhere else on their body has that same scent, but it's it's kind of sweet and kind of powdery it it has nothing to do with today's shower doesn't matter what she put on her face. But it's that same sense. And that's what with sometimes the wind, I will admit sometimes to this day, if she's doing something that's way out in left field, and I'm struggling to figure out what to do and how to do I give her a hook. And cuz she's shorter than me, it's very easy for me to just smoosh my nose, right in that area of her hairline and take a big whiff. Because if I get it This smells, I'm like, Okay, this is still my mommy. Like, as crazy as it sounds. It gives me an immediate visceral recall. This is my mama. And I remember all the sweet and loving things of my mama and her mama glow, and then blows Mama, we call her mama tea. And then and then I could calm down. That's the way I take my and then I hug her. And then I just kind of calm down and figure out, you know what to do next. But I gotta tell you, this has been a fantastic conversation. Thank you so much. I may have to call you back to have you on again. Just to tell, tell some more Zadie stories, because goodness knows we have a lot I remember one. Okay, okay. Okay, wait, let's do this. All right now, I remember the Atlanta Hawks, the basketball team, they were playing somebody that LeBron James played for. I don't even know which team he was with at the time. But my mom said he pretty much was that he likes his scoring. She loves the three point shot. And she likes slam dunks. So accurate. Remember, like we would sit where Zed was in the middle, I'm on one side and you on the other side. And of course we would always be within two or three rows of the the court because she can't see it ain't even that I'm trying to ball and go crazy. I will use all of my connections to try to get me a decent set of seats is because my mom short, she can't stand up every time everybody in front of us stands up and she won't ever see the game so so I can remember that he was cheering and cheering and cheering and high five and high five and the guys that were in front of us, you know she's very enthusiastic as a fan. And so they turned around it like hell yeah, Mama, you know, so that is their, you know, hair all cute red lip poppin. And she's high fiving when asked because the Hawks had scored a whole bunch in a row. So they started laughing and half hour with mom and she's high five and then the boy Jay started scores is that is still cheering

or whatever. And those guys,

those guys were so perplexed, because in the moment, my mama wasn't appearing like she had Alzheimer's. Right? She was clapping and she was saying half bath and she was like,

Yeah,

we did it. So these guys think they have found common ground in another band. I didn't even have the heart to tell him like she don't know who scored. She don't even know what the hell we are. But that's just to say how how tricky Alzheimer's can look. Those guys didn't turn around no more. I think I wanted to get them a beer in a hot dog just to calm him down. Like Lord, I remember looking over to I was like the one that we might have to get out of here before the game is over to create a riot and we gotta clap for whoever's got we got. Because then when I didn't clap, she got mad with me. I was trying to not create. I was trying to not create dissension in people around us, but she would look at me and she was like jG jG clap and I'm like, and I was like shit, I'm sorry. Hey, I'm with her. You got like my grandfather used to always say you guys dance with who brung you so listen. Whenever she cheers, I gotta cheer. It doesn't matter. I don't care if the referee dunk the ball. It don't matter if she Cheers. I'm so mad. Man. We had some memories. And I did a whole lot of stuff. The wonder in those first couple of years when I was grappling to figure out my mom's disease to handle my company in Vegas to deal with my dad's estate. You were there when I would be up all night preparing documents for the IRS and and then you in and running my mom's firm and close, you know, running my dad's firm and it Towards the end. Yeah, it was a whole lot. And but I'm saying you were there and Oh, honey when you say a pillar, you would Zadie whispering you would the main jG supporter. Because without you I don't I don't want to think about what we would have done. I'm happy. I don't have to think about it. I'm happy that we had you. But I'm gonna tell you just wander. You spoiled me like crazy. You would have fared first caregiver I got so then I'm thinking, this holiday all our work. is like give you a very first boyfriend. Don't cheat on you. Buy you gifts. Right cooks dinner. roofie. He goes to work, bring his whole check home. He's good to your mama. He's good to your friends. And then you just think that Oh, that's how it always is. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Did you learn the hard way? Let me tell you the one that I learned the hard way over probably 30 or 40 caregivers since I since the time I had with you that they are not all dawanda handy. And just it for a while I was pissed off. I thought something was wrong with me. I was like, wait, wait, you got the one that I've tried to remember? Where what what your interview questions? What did you say? And what did you ask that ended up giving you a Diwan. And then like the Holy Spirit said, boo, jg J Smiles you didn't do nothing. I gave you her.

There was nothing that you could

have said or done that would have matched you. With dawanda ad Did I say You know what? I'm gonna throw my hands up in here. And I'm elitist to the Holy Spirit. I'm gonna be grateful that the one that came into our lives. So thank you so much for being on the podcast, my very first

interview where he was brought back some nice memories. And some thoughts. I'll just remember. You have to do it next time when you were in Vegas. And I have to tell you, because this decides to leave the house while I'm on the tour.

That's right. That's right. That is where you can share it. Now. If you won't do we don't have to wait too late. You can go ahead and share it now.

Oh, it was good. It was so funny. You had to go and I'm gonna be gone long. But I think you nailed and and maybe Christine might have been my backup. You know if I need them. But I'm, I'm sitting downstairs, all of a sudden, everything when the alarm was on the Capitol, all of a sudden I hear your drop down Oh, my ankles off. I'm trying to pull them up and get off the same path call is walking faster than I think I've ever to walk out the house down the stairs. Going down the street. And

she's gonna walk over to the neighbor's house.

But she did that on the way back. She's She's walking I finally catch up with her. But kind of put my arms in it locked into hers. And she's still walking fast and just talking. I don't she was really wonderful. This is I think before Erica, okay. She's walking and talking. The lady next door is pulling outside. I guess she's gonna go get gas when she gets out of her car, leave and go back into the garage. Jump in her car.

Did you get in the driver's seat? Oh,

she got in the driver's seat. So I ran over there. Talk to the lady. Oh, she was so sweet. And understanding that she told me that her I guess it was her mother, my father my head off. And so you have that

her father in law. Her husband's father also had Alzheimer's. So

we talked and we thought it is nothing is doing any good. determine that she has to go and do something for somebody for something

to work. You know, she I think she was always trying to get to work.

Yeah, it was about working on something else. And she was just on and on and on. I was worried that we're not gonna be able to get her. I was trying to get her back in the house. That was my main goal. I knew I could leave. Right. But I wanted to leave and go get my car come up and see she would get in my car. No, that wouldn't even happen. She talked to the lady tried to talk to her. She just she just kept telling her. How'd you get the first shot she wanted to keep? I forgot to give me the keys and

that's good. That's good. So what how did y'all get Get out of the air or get away.

I called you on the phone. You couldn't even get around that. You talk to her talk to her. But nothing too far away. Right? Right. I remember

being sick to my stomach like I see. I should not be trying to do all this my mama needs me and I'm over here fool around with a business

which we can't be careful on and finally closed the door to work ready? For she couldn't you know she wouldn't get out the car and start walking again. So I ran gallery my car cool my car back then we thought this was probably at least 45 minutes late. Okay, finally, you had already decided to call Christine. So you got Christine over there. And I'm kissing came up. Somehow by this time. I don't even know how many times I've faded and whatever. I have finally got into my car. If that's what I want to do. I think I just wore down.

Right? But at times she might have been tired like, Well listen, if you're gonna let me go do my work. Then I just gonna go home with you. We'll take a nap.

It was 45 minutes later, and she had been walking past four or five. I never seen a walker.

It's amazing how fast she can walk with those little short legs when she wants to. Amazing. But she was so she got in your car. She got in the car and did you able to get back to the house?

Finally, I guess we actually didn't take it back to the house. I went right on our keys and we went to Starbucks. Miss Christine. Christine gotten in her car butter cookies. And we hung out a bit and then she brought her back home. She was fine after that.

Yeah, she probably didn't even remember none of it.

None of it before you. You first about 100 lines

about the locks and they had all these fancy codes and use the eyeballs and stuff. I don't think I ever got to go find him lots.

Funny, it's never happened again.

I either need to put them locks up or put them on eBay. I think I paid too much for them to not be used by

anyone. Lots

of everything. Not everything like everything. That was that is fun. me. Thank you so much. dawanda This has been so fun catching up with you and reminiscing about caregiving with xedi. And know that we love you is look if xedi could be on here right now. She would tell you she loves you too.

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. Well, thank you, sweetheart. You have a great day. Thank you for being a part of the podcast.

Yeah. Okay. All right. Bye bye.

The snuggle up- Fe low caregivers. Self Care is ho we stay sane. Whether it is gi ing yourself a timeout or a nap tea or tranquilizer, do whateve it takes counseling, meditat on. Figure out what gets you in our groovy space. Another snuggl up denial. Denial is a ser ous monster for caregiv rs. Recognize that your loved one cannot remember. They don't now what you're talking about. top fussing with them. Stop arg ing with them stop wondering why they can't remember what hey said five minutes ago. You are in denial about another snu gle up. Lee into levity peo le. There is healing in humans. The funny stuff that you see our loved one doing, laugh. L ugh with them if you think they can laugh back. But take these s all moments of comedy to help pr pel you through tough time of chaos. That's it for now. T ank you for listening. Pl ase subscribe for contin ous caregiving tips, tricks, tre ds, and truth. Pretty Pretty lease with sugar on top sha e and review it too. I'm a co edian,Alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't