I tripped over Zetty!

INTRO - J Smiles:  0:01  
The music was thumping in my ears. Now thumping, for those of you who are not from the southern part of the United States. That means it wasn't only loud, but it was delicious. I had my favorite playlist on; I made up myself. Lil Tina Turner, some Diana Ross, Beyonce', Salt-N-Pepa. Pepa with a 'a' not a 'er'. Do you see the trend here? Same as nigga with a 'a', okay? I digress. Anyway, I am jamming on the one, not on the two. That's a rhythm thing. I'm packing for a trip. I am lost in my own world. And then, I feel something all on my back, on my knees, on my elbows. I'm falling, I'm losing my balance. What just happened? "Mama!" "J.G! Catch me!" Well, who? What? Where did Zetty come from, and how come we both on the ground? What, the... Lord have mercy!

INTRO - J Smiles:  1:31  
Parenting Up, Caregiving Adventures with comedian J Smiles, is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mama. For almost a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler Alert- I started comedy because this stuff is so heavy. Be ready for the jokes! Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver you are in the right place. 

INTRO - Zetty:  2:03  
Hi, this is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay?

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:13  
Today's episode - I tripped over Zetty

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:21  
Our global community is expanding. I want your feedback. Let's snuggle up. Send a Purple Heart, the little emoji, to plus 1-404-737-1449. Parenting Up family, it was a mess. Can you see me and Zetty trying to help each other off of the floor? Well, it was mostly me trying to get Zetty out the floor. And in full candor, we didn't make it all the way to the floor. But she was kind of half on one knee, and I was pretty much all the way down. "Down goes Frazier. Down goes Frazier!" That's my version of Howard Cosell calling the Ali - Frazier fight. No one was harmed in the recording of this episode. Let me back up just a tad. J, how in the hell do you not know that Zetty is back up there on you? Why is your music that loud? Why are you that unaware of your surroundings? Well, first thing is, I still wear corded earbuds. Alright, I'm a little bit of a relic. But that's because Johnny L. Cochran, Jr., the famed attorney, died of a brain tumor. It was cancer, it was inoperable. Well, they operated a little bit, but they couldn't get all of it and it didn't work obviously because he's no longer with us. And that was his final demise. He was like an uncle to me, very close. And he was even closer to my father. He made my dad promise to always wear a corded earbud, to never hold the cell phone to his head. I made my dad the same promise. So, I go to great lengths to keep corded earbuds. This is the thing, people, if you are wearing corded earbuds and you get that music thumping where it is your groove,and you got the right volume, and if you got some good corded earbuds where the treble and the bass and the mid range is coming in, right? You can't hear what's going on around you. But hell, I'm inside my closet and there was a caregiver on duty. I'm not with Zetty, technically.

INTRO - J Smiles:  5:32  
Oh contraire mon freya. That's my French. Oh contraire mon freya. Which is some version of, "that's what you thought! Ha!" Zetty came in my closet. Why? Cause I was in there. What had happened was, the caregiver was in the kitchen preparing Zetty a meal. My closet and bedroom is on the same level of the house as Zetty's. So Zetty just meanders out of her room, down the hall and sees me in my closet, and decides that she's going to come and engage her baby. I don't have any idea if she called my name, if she tapped on the wall. She may have done all the appropriate things to notify me that she was approaching me. But, whewwww! It didn't work. She was startled. I was startled. Can you for a second just take a pause and imagine the horror that I have tripped over my mama, and potentially, did I break something of hers? Did I hurt... harm her in anyway? And the stall that I've caused this po' lady. But my first thing was: Heifer, why rou run up on me like that? You bout to catch it in the throat. Okay, imma go Cardi B., put a Louis Vuitton where her neck at? All right, that's a little much, she my mama, but I mean, you know, you can't just... look, I'm a black woman from Montgomery, Alabama. Dr. King just died every April. You can't just rock up on somebody's back while they in the middle of a Beyonce' song. Somebody owe somebody something. To the left, to the left. Somebody, what? After I dusted us off, calmed her down, got her back to her couch in her bedroom. Got myself a little sip of something strong. It wasn't 1738. I didn't have to go that far to my Remy Martin. But I didn't need something more than water. I had to be honest and think, "You know what? She does follow me around, a lot. I wonder what the hell that's about." Like, it forced me to deal with the fact that my mama has become like my shadow. Sometimes it's cute. Sometimes it's a nuisance. That day, it was dangerous. It was a workman's comp situation.

INTRO - J Smiles:  8:44  
At the top of Zetty's diagnosis with Alzheimer's, new caregivers or friends would point out, "Ooh, your mama certainly knows whenever you come in the house. She doesn't even have to see you in her room. It's almost like she can feel you've entered the house. And she will come out of her room and started walking around in the hallway, calling your name." I thought it was cute, and that they were exaggerating. But I mostly put it on the fact that everyone else was so new to her, that she had a keen sense of awareness around J.G. And when the hell is J.G. coming home, because all these other people are strangers. They are aliens. And when in the world is my child, my North Star gonna come back. But as the caregivers stayed around year after year and they have become family, a lot of that dissipated. I was like, "Hey, we're all even-steven, right?" Ha, guess what, guys? Not right. I started asking caregivers, "Was... well, does she... does she... does she follow y'all around?" And they were like, "Yeah, I mean a little bit sometimes, J, but it's not the same as what she does with you. And I was like, "Wow, okay. Well, let me dig into this." And then, I ... it hit me. I was like, man, it's just like when I was a kid, I would follow my mama into the toilet. This lady has zero privacy. She could be on the toilet, letting the big one a loose. I sat right on the floor and told her all of my problems. Some boy that I liked that I was trying to figure out how to see if he liked me without asking him specifically. Ooo, I got a test. Oh, mama, can I go to the pep rally? I want to go on a date. I want to go to the movies. All of this right there at her feet, on a toilet while she was what? Tearing the house down. I ain't care. I was like, "I wonder if this is payback. I wonder if Zetty knows all the times that I invaded her space." And she's like, "I tell you what, I know how to get J back! I might be trapped in my mind and in this house, but Imma get her ass back and wear her out like she used to wear me out. Zetty follows me anywhere in the house the moment she sees me or hears my voice. I started to ask some people in her medical team is this normal, abnormal, should I be worried about it? They told me that it's actually very normal for someone with Alzheimer's and it even has a name. It's called Shadowing. I was like, "Wow, she's my shadow." Then I thought, yawl could of come up with something a little more unique than that. That sound like something we... we sat on the playground. How much money do you get paid? What's my copay? I was elated to hear that it's normal. That it's a part of the progression of dementia of Alzheimer's. First, it allowed me to put it in perspective and try to wrap my brain around not getting frustrated or agitated, like, "Ma, where are you going? Just sit down, I'm gonna be right back." Cause hell, if she doesn't have a concept of time, how in the hell does she know what be right back is or maybe she's scared. Or maybe she doesn't even realize that she's following me. But if this thing called Shadowing is reoccurring enough to have a space medically in the annals of Alzheimer's, well then J, you need to snuggle up to it. My mom really likes to walk down the hallway and look over the banister down into the living room and see if I'm there. So much so, it has changed my sleeping patterns for when I go and get in the bed. I will do my best to do any work on my laptop or in my journal. So that while she's doing her evening walks with her caregiver, I can be in place for her to look. Cause she's trying to find me and there are times when I look up at her, and I be like, "Hey, mom." And then she's looking at me, Parenting Up family, and she'll say, "J.G., where are you?" And the medical field has told me that's also a part of shadowing. They can be looking right at you and say, "Where are you?" What in the whole hell. "I'm right here. I'm right here, Zetty." "Uhhhh okay." And then I put my laptop down, and I ran up the steps. And that worked. So now that's what I do all the time. I put my laptop down and run to the steps. "Hey, Zetty, here I am." And then when I got to her and hugged her, she said, "Ohhh, there you are." So get it. When she said, "Where are you?" Bless that little baby heart. She wasn't trying to really say, "J, I don't see you." She was saying, "Girl, come over here and hug me. Like, you too far. You way down there in the living room. How come you not over here where I am? I need some more. J.G. time.

INTRO - J Smiles:  15:18  
I recall being on shift. Only J.G. and Zetty were in the house. I'm at the lower level, which my construction team told me I can no longer call it the basement because I did some renovation. I was like, "Oh okay then. Let's... let's get lit then! Let's do this!" Anywho, I come back upstairs. I'm looking for Zetty, I can't find her. I look all over in her area, her bedroom, her closet, her bathroom. She's in my closet. I say, "Mama, what.. what are you doing?" She said, "I'm looking for you." So this is kind of a reverese Shadowing. She couldn't find me. She wanted me. She couldn't find me. So she went to my areas, rather than just stay where the hell I asked her to stay. I was like, "Wow, this is something." How are we gonna fix this? Parenting Up family, you can't fix it. This Shadowing thing, once it starts, it's not really a phase. It stays as long as they're ambulatory. I said, "Oh snap." Oh snap is a... politically, well,... I wouldn't say politically correct. It is a nicer way of saying, "Oh shite."

INTRO - J Smiles:  17:07  
So what are the experts saying? According to dailycare.com, we, the caregivers, the primary caregiver, the family caregiver, you are your LO's lifeline to the outside world. They are shadowing you, following you all around, walking on your heels. Perhaps asking you a lot of questions. Maybe not. This Shadowing thing is not as much about talking, as about physically walking right behind you or right beside you, even if you say, "Stay right here." You sit them down. "I'll be right back." Your LO will say, "Okay, I'll stay right here." Soon as you turn around, they stand up and start following you. And it's difficult to tell: did they grasp your directive? Maybe they did, but got too anxious or fearful to stay. Maybe they never even understood your request for them to sit down and stay there. Either way, recognize that they are fighting for their lives. And in that moment, you represent stability. You are security. You are the comfort, that warm blanket, that hot chocolate. Anybody who watched Charlie Brown, Linus had that blanket, that's what you are. So they're gonna follow you. Shadowing is defined as the person with dementia being fearful of being alone when their family caregiver is out of sight. Out of sight, you haven't left the house. Maybe you haven't even left the room. You could just be behind them or outside of their peripheral view. And the freakout occurs, do they get agitated? They might get mad. They may say, "You left me. You abandoned me. I knew you weren't gonna hang around." You're like, "Damn, I just turned around to go get the remote. And now you done decided I've abandoned you. After I quit my job or left my marriage to come be with you. Or, I drove through five hours of traffic to come over here to the assisted living facility. And I'm just trying to turn around and water your plant. And you said, I abandon you?" Well, okay? But then here's the thing. If they trying to shawdow you, boo boo. That's their reality. Ain't that crazy. Ay, yi yi. Whatever we're feeling, remember, what they're going through is way worse. They meaning your LO. Careworkshealthservices.com says that Shadowing can come during sundowning. Or if your LO is having a period of tremendous anxiety. Sometimes they do it to have a sense of purpose. They believe they're coming along with you to help you. They're going wherever you're going. Because you need some help. Whether you are a sibling, a spouse, a child, a parent, surely you need their help. How sweet is that? Except for the fact you're probably thinking, "You ain't about to help me do nothing. I'm gonna have more worry and stress if you come with me. Please sit down." Agingcare.com actually lists some pretty cool suggested solutions. You can expand your LO's world to include one or two more trusted people. I strongly stressed the one or two more. So just slowly get them accustomed to one or two more people who would come very frequently. You have a schedule, they come around the same time of day, or the same number of days per week, the same time of day, doing the same things. And if that person is around your LO, and your LO sees you, the family caregiver, engaging with this new person, maybe it's another family care... maybe it's another caregiver that you've hired, or maybe someone from church or a neighbor who you, you trust. Then you won't be the only human that your LO latches on to and feels the need to follow around like a puppy dog. They go on to talk about creating repetitive schedules, that can help negate the Shadowing. Because the anxiety will be lower. At least that's the hope. 

INTRO - J Smiles:  23:33  
The anxiety will be lower if there's such repetition and a pattern to their schedules. They do this at 12 o'clock, and then right after that. They wake up, brush their teeth, wash their face, eat breakfast, read a magazine, watch some TV, go for a walk, do chair exercises, take a nap, read a book, so on and so forth. And if that becomes so clear and becomes muscle memory, not that their brains can process new information, but if they can lean into such a schedule, then the anxiety should dissipate and they don't have to follow you every time you come in and out of the room. At least that's the plan. The best thing on agingcare.com is acknowledge their feelings. If they're Shadowing you and you ask, "Why?" Or you say, "Where are you going?" Or, "Why are you coming with me?" Whatever it is that comes out of your LO's mouth, say, "Okay." If they say, "Because I'm scared, you're gonna leave, you're not coming back." Or, "Because I need to give you some help because you don't know what you're doing." Or, "Because last time you said you came back in five minutes, and it took you two weeks." Whatever they say, acknowledge it, and move on. Don't be combative. Don't disagree with them. You don't have to tell them that they're right. I mean, actually, I tell Zetty she's right all the time. I don't care what she says. She could say that it's 1887 and that the British are coming one if by land two if by sea. I would say, "Okay, Mama. Well, what do you want to do next?" Usually, she throws it back at me. That took me a lot of years to learn this technique. If I say okay when she's roused up, "Okay, Mama. So now what do you want to do about that?" She looks at me and says, "Well, I don't know, J.G., I don't know what we gone do?" By that time she is exhausted. Because she has worked herself up into a frenzy, she is ready to go toe to toe with me. I'm not going toe to toe with nobody with Alzheimer's. You can't beat them. They live in a universe that you have never visited. They have a set of rules, a constitution, presidents, a whole Congress that you have never met. How you going to argue with them? You will never win. She always tosses it back to me. "I don't know, J.G., I don't know what we gone do." I say, "Mama, I think we should just wait for a few minutes. And they probably gone call us and tell us what to do." She said, "You think so?" "Yeah, I think so." "Well, I sure hope so." I say, "Well, I do too. If they don't call.. if they don't call us, then we'll call them." "Okay, that's a good idea." And then we are out of that. And she don't remember that shit no more. Moving on. That's one example of how I acknowledge her feelings or whatever she's thinking. So when Zetty shadows me now that I understand that a bit more, I let her. I no longer ask her where she going or why is she coming or why won't you sit down. Now if she doesn't have on shoes, or if her shoe strings aren't tied, I will stop and make her do that. Or I'll do it for her. But if there's not a impending safety issue, then hell she got me. Like Zetty done won again. 

INTRO - J Smiles:  28:17  
Parenting Up family, I decided to change my perspective. When Zetty is following me, that means a few really cool things. She can still walk. She recognizes that I'm somebody she wants to follow. She is aware that I have left where she is. And she made a decision to get her behind up, or turn around or what have you, to come and go with me. And if I'm leading the way, I can protect her. So that's not too bad. Come on, mama, let's go.

THE SNUGGLE UP:  29:32  
The Snuggle up. Number one. If your LO is Shadowing you, consider finding a task that you can have them do quickly. Let them fold some clothes. Maybe one or two towels. It doesn't matter if the towels are already folded in the linen closet. Go get one or two towels, small towels. Don't get fitted sheets, nobody can fold those freaking fitted sheets. Or walk to the mailbox to get the mail. Who cares if you already got the mail, go to the mailbox, open it up. If it's empty, shrug your shoulders, "Huh, I guess no mail came." Walk back in the house. Make it seem like a useful task since they're already with you. Number two. As your LO is Shadowing you, consider the path back to a safe area in the home or the facility that will allow them to rest. Are you trying to get them back to bed, a sofa, a chair, a table. Start thinking through that. And once you get them there, what activity will keep them in place. Are you going to give them something to drink? Maybe a magazine. But once you sit them down or put them in the bed, have the TV on, give them a book. If they like to paint or color, have that activity already prepared in your mind that you're going to hand off to them, such that when you turn to walk away, they don't shadow you again. Number three. Shadows are created when something interrupts a source of life. The only way your LO can be considered a shadow is if you are your LO's light. You are his or her light source. And when they walk up on you, it creates that shadow. How can they not be drawn to you and follow you if you are their source of light? You got this.

OUTRO:  32:31  
That's it for now. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe for continuous caregiving tips, tricks, trends, and truth. Pretty, pretty, please with sugar on top share and review it too. I'm a comedian. Alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't gotta be.