Did he say Zetty doesn't have ALZ?!?

INTRO - J Smiles:  0:00  
I was chillin, chillin minding my business. Shout out to Salt-N-Pepa, look em up if you don't know the hip hop duo, rap Goddesses. But, family, I really was minding my own business, staying in my own lane. I was with a group of new friends, maybe not friends, new acquaintances. I was traveling internationally solo. And it was time for everyone to know what does J do. Dun dun dunnnn. I take the low, high, light role. "I'm a caregiver. My mom has Alzheimer's." Everybody goes, "Oh, my God, auh, that's so hard." Okay, cool, pass the beer. Who's next? The second or third day into our excursions after all the Zetty conversations, people want to see videos and photos, which I call photeos. I show a video and then a gentleman pipes up from behind, he hasn't even been in any other conversations and says, "Huh, I'm not sure what your mom has. But it is not Alzheimer's." What? She doesn't? Sir? Are you Jesus? Mohammed? You got the pill? Green pill, blue pill, red pill. Who knows? Since the matrix, you Jay Z, you the devil. What's going on? Holla at me, bro! Meet me in the bathroom.

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:00  
Parenting Up, Caregiving Adventures with comedian J Smiles. It is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mama. For almost a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler Alert- I started comedy because this stuff is so heavy. Be ready for the jokes! Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver you are in the right place. 

INTRO - Zetty:  2:32  
Hi, this is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay? 

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:43  
Today's episode - Did he say Zetty doesn't have Alzheimer's?

INTRO - J Smiles:  2:52  
Our global community is expanding. I want your feedback. Let's snuggle up. Send a Purple Heart, the little emoji, to +1-404-737-1449. Parenting up, family, I was as stimulated as if I was having sex with Denzel Washington, and on speed, and won the $15 billion lottery all at one time. You know what I mean? And I mean, old school Denzel. Like, when he grabbed the side of that thing in "Glory" and that one tear came down. I had that kind of joy. My mama had does not have Alzheimer's? Let's talk, brother. I'm an optimist. Hope springs eternal over here. Hope springs so eternal over here, I don't think I need water. Do you hear what I'm saying? I am hydrated with optimism. My folks came from that middle passage. They made it out of Africa. They made across that boat. They made it through the enslaved times. Jim Crow. Who knows whatever else. Bad marriages, accidents, car wrecks. Didn't get aborted. Okay? Condom pops. All right. All right. Listen, I'm a condom pop baby. Hands, hands in the air if your parents have told you, "Sweetheart, we tried really hard for you not to be here and you... and you broke through the latex. So you came in this mug a fighter." But there were other people around who may or may not want to hear all of this information. I'm also aware that people could have wonky ideas that J. Smiles doesn't agree with. So before I get too excited and bring the entire room into my world, I take a deep breath, and I say, "Oh, my goodness, she doesn't?" He shakes his head. "Um um, no way that's Alzheimer's." 

INTRO - J Smiles:  5:35  
And then he's tapping....That's his fingers on the table, because at this time we're having wine. Like, "Hey, I'm listening. Well, what does she have?" "Well, it's... J, it's certainly neurological because the prominence and the accomplishments of her lifetime, if I mean, if what you're saying is accurate." And I'm like, "Ohhh, man, are you a little bit maybe questioning if what I told you about my mom and her life before?" Okay, anyway, I'm not going down that because he was not American, and he wouldn't Black. I want to put that in the story for context. But hey, I don't lead with racial discriminatory bias. Not as much as I used to. I gave that up because of one attorney, Bryan Stevenson. I intentionally... intentionally rided, if that's a way to say that, my conscious forward living self of those kinds of racial discriminatory upfront thoughts. As soon as they come in, I push them down because of what Mr. Bryan Stevenson has done with the EJI, look it up please, Equal Justice Initiative. I'll put it in the show notes.

INTRO - J Smiles:  7:37  
Give me a little more time, I'm gonna get back to Zetty. But this is moving my spirit. Mr. Bryan Stevenson opened the Legacy Museum in Montgomery, Alabama, and it is charged with saying, "From Enslavement to Mass Incarceration", and it does an excellent job on the level of the Smithsonian in Washington, DC, and the Louvre in Paris. Yeah, in Montgomery, Alabama. That level of showing how the mass incarceration is the new way of attacking people of color. The Lynching Memorial is completely exposed, it's outside, it's very solemn. But you need to see it. I don't care who you are or where you live. If you visit the United States. Make your way to Montgomery, Alabama to see this experience. You can see it online too, if you can't make it, because it will move you much like the Vietnam Memorial in Washington, DC. It's that visually stimulating to give you a notion of how lynching ripped people's lives apart and the number of people who were impacted. Okay, enough. Okay, not quite enough. Why did I even bring Bryan Stevenson up? So, I was fortunate enough to attend all of the bells and whistles Gala, grand opening ceremony for the Legacy Museum and the Lynching Memorial. It was like a five day event. Real snazzy, celebrities, blah, blah, blah. You know, your Patti LaBelles, I think Shaq was there, maybe Dave Chappelle. Whatever, a whole lot of fancy people. Thousands of people. Asian, Caucasian, and Black, and Mexican, and everything came from all over the world to see this. Extraordinary. Because Bryan Stevenson's book had turned into a movie, "Just Mercy" with Michael B. Jordan. So, all right, all the buzz, okay. Even Ava DuVernay, okay? All right, get back on topic, J, here I go. In one of his speeches, Brian said, "Please, each of you right now, this is only worth it, my life's work is only worth it, if you use love to combat hate. That's what Dr. King stood for. And that's what I'm trying to do now. And if you leave this experience with the same amount of hate, and bias, and discrimination in your heart, then I failed. And I want each of you right now to think of something you can do, from this moment forward to remove bias and discrimination from your being. Parenting up family, I sat right there, I can't... I'm getting chills right now as I speak, I was in and I was like, "What the... what can I do?" I'm like shaking my hands feeling like a duck out of water. J, you got to do something, you gotta do something. Stand for continuing the improvement of humankind. It hit me like a lightning bolt, your implicit bias. Stop those thoughts. As soon as they enter your brain. Full transparency, I came through a community that was 100% against interracial couples. You can like white people, J, and Asians and everybody. You're supposed to marry and date Black men. And we're not supposed to like any of those mixing of nothing. Long story as to why, that's not appropriate now. While time, maturation, travel, experiences, relationships, reading, movies, museums, expanded my belief system, there were still some remnants of that learning embedded from time to time when... uh, thoughts might come in whether I saw a couple or heard a conversation and I was just like, "Ugh, of course, he would do that. Or she would say that or they would think that because they're not Black." I promised internally because of Bryan Stevenson to stop that. J, if the only reason you're assigning a thought, or a belief, or a pisstivity is a stereotype because of someone's skin color or religion, ethnicity, nationality, cut it out. Either ask them a question to get to the bottom of it, or decide to let the entire exchange go. Those are your only two options. And that is what led to a fruitful conversation. Thank you, Bryan Stevenson. And thank you all for listening.

INTRO - J Smiles:  14:05  
Okay, back to the gentleman who's telling me he is 100% Claro that my mother... that my mother does not and has never had Alzheimer's. I got a little bit derailed emotionally for a second in the conversation with him, because it appeared that he was questioning the accuracy of my mom and her accomplishments. And for a moment, I was like, "Dude, are you thinking that maybe because she's Black, or American, or southern or a woman that all the fly, hot, shit she did ain't true. Or maybe that I'm lying because I'm her daughter." You know what, I can't go through all that. And then I remembered my Bryan Stevenson promise. That's why I gave you all the backdrop. And I really did let it go and continue asking questions. "Well then, what does she have?" Yawl, crickets. This dude spoke with so much bravado and had zero indicator and had zero options or suggestions on what it might be. Are you kidding me? That's why I thought to myself. I say, "Oh, you're not... you're not sure?" This is him, "Um Um, I don't know what it is, but.. but... but I'm certain that it's not Alzheimer's." "Are you a doctor?" "Um um." Family, I'm like, "Are you.... you're not a doctor." Are you in the medical field? Cause listen, I'm open. There a lot of people in the sciences that may not have gone to medical school. That why you b.s.ing, which means bullshitting for those who are not in the United States, they have as much or more working knowledge about the art of medicine than those who practice. Un un. "Huh, what do you do?" "I'm in technology and I run internet startups." Boy, if you don't get your ass up out of my eardrums. You got me.... Yawl, I was almost on the news. I need to write Bryan Stevenson a thank you note. Continuing because I'm a little bit stuck with this group of people. I don't want it to be awkward. And I really was intrigued at this point. I need to know where you get all of this care, concern, and passion if this is not even your bread and butter, your hobby. Why do you give a care? So I launch into my southern woman charm. "Well, baby." I don't think I said baby, I think I said sweetie. Baby leans a little too familiar. Most times internationally, people can handle sweetie because they've seen a lot of southern women on television or in the movie say sweetie. "Okay, sweetie, all right. Well, why do you think it's not Alzheimer's? Or what makes you so certain that it's not Alzheimer's?

INTRO - J Smiles:  18:47  
I need yawl to get ready. Dude said, "Well, of course. Um, because my mom had Alzheimer's and she died from it." Ohhh snap. Oh snap. Oh snap, for those of you not in the United States, oh snap is a casual slang, colloquial kind of thing that we mean when we like, "Oh I get it now." Like a light bulb moment. You're comparing...  you're comparing how my mom is doing to how your mom didn't do. Oh, oh, you're in your feelings. Lord. Lord have mercy. Christ have mercy. That's what we say. That's one of the prayers in the Catholic Church. It's a little bit of a joke inside of the Catholic Church. But don't worry about if you're not Catholic. Go ahead and spit your coffee through your nose if you are. I let him continue. He said, "J, um, yes, your mother has had some decline." And he starts to use his hand. And he's like, "You know, normally there's a drop." So he uses his hand to make like a, a slice downward in the air. And he said, "Then they level off. And then they just start to decline. But after six or seven years, they're not talking or certainly not communicating in full words and sentences. Their personality has gone plain, or vanilla, or blank. If they're walking, there's not a lot of pep to their step or giddy up. They don't have a lot of strength. Their ability to swallow is minimal. Chewing food is difficult. Their diet has gone more to a simple kind of mashed food, potatoes thing. I've seen this with many. This is... my mom followed this trajectory and her friends and my friend's parents and I did the research and this is the statistics. And you told me about your father. And so perhaps it's just something else that your mom is experiencing. But it's certainly not Alzheimer's because she's doing too well."

INTRO - J Smiles:  21:52  
Let that sizzle in your spirit. Shout out to comedian Country Wayne. Because Zetty is doing so well it can't be Alzheimer's. That's like somebody saying because your baby can read at two, they're not human. Or because your child can play the Chareto Barreto on the piano at one, their fingers must be artificial. Sir, you better take two seats. I don't know if my mother has Alzheimer's or not. I don't know if we're really living on planet Earth. I don't even know if I'm really speaking into a microphone. I don't even know if when I die, I'm going to have the answer to all of these questions. But what I also know is that ----- dude doesn't know either. So, bro, don't come for me with such defentitive clarity, and not offer solutions, suggestions or opportunity for me to improve either my life or my mom's. I felt like his angle was myopic, and hurtful. Potentially. I wasn't hurt because of the emotional work I've done for years to get myself to a place where I can see, oh you're coming from a point, potentially of your own pain and or discomfort or confusion. But don't put that on me. I don't know him or his family or his story. Maybe he's not certain or secure around his mother's life or her end of life. What they did, the decisions they made, how they cared for her. That's not my business. I didn't even ask those questions. But for you to say she doesn't have it, and then not even let me know what else I could go do to figure it out. Can you suggest a doctor or something? No, you didn't have nothing. 

INTRO - J Smiles:  24:50  
I smiled and shared with him. "Well, I don't know if it is Alzheimer's, but I will tell you this. Zetty was examined by three of the best neurologists in the world." I named the neurologist and the hospitals. And even though he wasn't from the United States, he knew of these hospitals. And he had heard of one of the neurologists, and he just shook his head. He said, "Oh, oh, you got her into those." And again, I went back to Bryan Stevenson, I was like, thank you for that, cause now he's questioning how I could do that. And, dude, you don't know me just go with my story. I said, "So, you know, Zetty was checked out by them. And they went through every physical test they could. All the fancy machines, and plus their decades of experience. And then they came up with the diagnosis that she had two different forms. And she also had brain surgery." Then I kind of put my hand over his hand, not in a romantic way, but just like a quick rub over to say, 'I'm here, I kind of see you, I kind of feel maybe that you are hurting or questioning me, or you, or just Alzheimer's and how you parented and things. And this is not a competition. If you're trying to compare something, dude, I'm not the enemy.' And I took my hand back, because it's only there for, first of all, he's married and his wife was nearby. And she didn't get in it, which is also what let me know. Well, shouldn't say let me know? It suggest that it was kind of a sticky issue or a hotbed because she had been very chatty Cathy with everything up until that point? "Let me share with you..." These are my words to him. "a few of the things that I've done that I've been told by the medical staff are special, and they believe have added to my mom's expanded existence. Who knows if they're right, if I'm right, I'm just gonna share it with you. So maybe you can share this with any of your friends who may come into an Alzheimer's caring role again." He said, "Oh, um, okay." I went on to talk about Zetty's changing diet, exercise, sleep. The fact that I'm a warden, I run my mom's environment like a prison. This is a happy prison. It's candy cane and gumdrops only. The caregivers, family members, friends, you can only come around if you are going to talk about fun and positive things. Otherwise, you can't be here. So I talked about all of that, and sunlight and blah, blah, blah, and music, no news. We don't talk about nothing negative. I promised him that all of her doctors were also amazed. Because she started out for the first four or five years, not on this trajectory. But I now speak and have a podcast about maybe your approach and the execution of your approach could change things. It's kind of like when people get diabetes, some when they get cancer, a lifestyle change can impact the disease. Maybe with Alzheimer's. My mom's lifestyle change impacted her disease? I don't know. So I threw my hands up kinda like, 'I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.' Family, for the record, I want yawl to know, I feel strongly that her lifestyle change did impact her the disease? I don't know, but I feel very strongly. But I didn't throw thaton him. I was trying to be kind. And then I went J the lawyer. "Let me just sweeten the pot with this." Sir. I didn't say sir either. But I share that with yawl just so y'all know I'm talking to him and not me talking to you.

INTRO - J Smiles:  30:10  
"Hey, sir, me, my mom and my dad, we don't really fit the natural trajectories. In the positive sense and in the negative sense. Whatever is happening on the 2% side, that's what usually happens to us. It doesn't matter if I want it to be that way or not, that's just what I should lean into. When I was 18 years old, I got hit. This dude knocked me down on the basketball game, because I could walk on that leg and it did not swell, ER doc and the paramedics were certain that it was not broken. As soon as they did an x-ray, it was broken in two places, and I was rushed into surgery. And they said, "We've never seen anything like." That's one example for me. For Zetty, she was diagnosed with Interstitial Cystitis. It's called IC, a very rare bladder disease. It's a very rare disease but when it happens, it happens to white men over 60 years old. She was a Black woman in her mid 20s. Okay, my dad. My dad's heart attack came because, they believe based on the autopsy, kamikaze disease. Like the Kamikaze warfare people. The story on Kamikaze disease is, you don't even live until your 20s. This dude was in his 60s. They were like how did he live that long? And how did he live such an active full life. Listen, we're two percenters. So, if my mom is changing the statistical trajectory of whatever with Alzheimer's, even if it doesn't have anything to do with the way J.G. and her care team and doctors are handling it, maybe it's just my mom and her journey. Okay, whatever. But it could still be Alzheimer's. And then guess what my last hit was? I was like, "And you know what else, maybe it's just dumb luck. Maybe my mama is just here longer cuz the good Lord knows if she died too much earlier then before now, I would have also lost it." He says, "Ah, yeah, well, who knows?" And I was like, wow, did it take all of that for you to say, "Ah well". Whew.

INTRO - J Smiles:  33:17  
Meditation guru Light Watkins has a book entitled, "Inner Gym". It's about doing the exercising for your spirit. The emotional work that it takes to keep your muscles on the inside strong. And I have to say everybody needs to do that. Caregivers, non caregivers, used to be caregivers, gonna be caregivers, ought to be caregivers. Hello. It's some folks out there that need to be given care. That's a different podcast. Get back on topic, J. Anywho, we owe it to ourselves and to the world to do the work. So that when the conversations come from family and friends, possibly new friends at work, strangers on the bus on the airplane, comments that sound benign, won't hit points of pain and trigger us into a downward spiral so ugly that we end up in an argument or treating someone unkindly, who doesn't deserve it. When actually, the universe may be given us an opportunity to help someone else heal, learn, or grow, or educate. Another on being a caregiver or Alzheimer's or whatever disease or topic is the point of contention. Or was trying to be a point of contention, like, he, I kind of believe dude was wanting me to go into a big debate. And I just wouldn't do it. I just kept stating the facts. I kept stating the facts of this is what I was told. I was told by these people, this is their rationale, this is what I've done since the diagnosis. Yes, I also know the statistics that you speak of. I have other family that died sooner. I got friends who have family who died sooner. Yep, I got it. And all I know is my mom doesn't fit that narrative. But what you also not gonna do, baby boy, is snatch away my shine. Maybe you need to pat me on the back, baby boy, and say, "Damn, J, y'all might be on the something. Maybe you and your team have come up with a way to arm wrestle the shit out of Alzheimer's."

THE SNUGGLE UP:  33:44  
Snuggle up. Number one, stand in your service. Whatever it is you're doing for your LO. You're the expert in it. In your actions, and in your LO's response. Don't let the tail wag the dog. In the United States or in English speaking, first language English speaking countries, when the tail wag the dog, that's like saying, 'Don't let other people get you all twisted and messed up in your emotions and your thoughts.' You be the controller of how you feel and respond and act in this world. Number two, caregivers, if a conversation is not benefiting you and you're uncomfortable, especially regarding your LO, your care, the way you care for them, how you manage. If you're not benefiting, and it's not adding value, shut it down. I mean, you don't have to cuss them out. But if you have to be a little bit rude, it's okay. You are fighting for your life and your LO's life. You're not fighting for the person's life that's in the conversation. They're not your responsibility. Number three, P.U.F. PUF, Parenting Up Family. That's the acronym. Puff up your own chest. You are doing an amazing job. You're doing it now. Or you did it before. If your LO has moved on outside of his or her body and you're using the parenting of family to heal, perhaps help others who are now caregivers, because your LO is now an angel looking over you, you puff up your own chest. Who cares what other people think about how you're doing what you're doing? They haven't walked a mile in your shoes. They haven't had their hands in your gloves, or even set in your chair at night when you ain't sleeping, because you're watching your LO.

OUTRO:  40:12  
That's it for now. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe for continuous caregiving tips, tricks, trends, and truth. Pretty pretty please with sugar on top, share and review it too. I'm a comedian. Alzheimer's is heavy, but we ain't gotta be.