Ash Said It: Never Give Up!

Speaker 1: 0:01

What happens when your life is going real smoothly? You in your 20s, you kicking it, you doing everything, you plan, you checking the boxes, you tickling your friends, your man, boom, yeah, just like that. And then stuff starts falling apart all around you your sister, your granddaddy, your mom. You like what? I don't even know how to do none of this. I don't even own a plant, I don't water nothing, I don't tickle a cat. What am I supposed to do with this? Well, today's guests, we're about to get into all of that and what's even better is currently most people know her as this fantabulous MC, podcaster, speaker, blogger, extraordinaire. Folks all over the globe listen to her, get advice from her and don't recognize that she went through all of this caregiver journey drama. But she's giving it to us here, right here, live, for the first time and exclusive Uh-huh, yep, come on, yep, I told y'all we get that good shit. Yeah, yep, yep, yep. Listen and watch. Parenting up caregiving adventures with comedian Daysmiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for my mama. For over a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with a heartbeat. Spoiler alert I started comedy because this shit is so heavy, so be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, ogs and village members just willing to prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place. Hi, this is Zeddy. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. You done okay. Ash said it never give up. Our parenting up community is growing so fast. I can't put out a episode as fast as we're growing. So text podcast to 404-737-1449 for updates, exclusives and suggestions on topics. While you're at it, share an episode with a caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcast and follow us on social media. Subscribe to our YouTube page, please. It really helps Welcome Ash to the Parenting Up family. Thank you so much for joining us.

Speaker 2: 2:58

Thank you for the invite. You know I felt that was an honor for me. You know coming from you, so thank you.

Speaker 1: 3:05

Ooh, yes, yes, all the magic and the sparkles we are snapping our fingers and waving our little hands all around. For anyone who's on audio, I gotta tell you you are such a force of vibration and nature. Ash said it is your, is a platform, it's your blog. But here today y'all about to hear something really special. I've been told that Ash has not shared her full story about caregiving and how some of her public persona even came to be. You are a caregiver, because here at the Parenting Up family listen, I deemed it so once a caregiver, always a caregiver. Like once a bike rider, always a bike rider, okay. Once a black girl, always a black girl okay. That's how that go. I don't care how much you try to change your skin color or change your hair texture, girl, I remember you. You still a black girl. I'm from Montgomery, alabama. Quit playing. So tell us who you cared for and how that relationship even started, like meaning your LO, what was it that? Let you and your family members know. Hey, some is not quite right and we need to go to the doctor and check some things out.

Speaker 2: 4:51

Well, jay, I'd have to say it was probably around 2010. I was working in the court system, I was doing the garnishments and adoptions and I was miserable and I was trying to pay out those student loans and the loan was coming from me, so I had to make sure that that was settled and taken care of. And my mom came to me and she was like look, I need help with your granddad and I need help with your sister. They got doctor's appointments, they got specialty appointments, they got medication. You gotta go across town to go pick up. I need your help. You about to quit this job.

Speaker 1: 5:25

You know, you don't like it, you know just go ahead and just cut the apron.

Speaker 2: 5:29

So I was in a fortunate position enough to quit that job and basically turned to a full-time caregiver. And for me, I never envisioned myself. I never used the term caregiver, but essentially that's what I was doing. And people down the line later on told me you're a caregiver, you're like, oh, you just taking care of families, what you do, you love ones, you do that. But it really is a process and it really is something that's really big. So from 2010 to 2011, I took care of my grandfather, who was elderly, he lived by himself, he was suffering from multiple things, he was a surviving alcoholic and with that, you know, a lot of different issues come into play with that. And in 99, I believe, he had had a triple valve bypass, you know, with your heart, and they had to take out the major vein that seemed to have left leg to repair his heart and down the line he started losing circulation in that leg and eventually we had to get the leg amputated.

Speaker 1: 6:43

So Hold on, ash. I wanna say this, first and foremost thank you so much for saying he was a surviving, recovering, living alcoholic. That language alone paints such a picture of that disease, that addiction. And even when you survive it and you quote unquote, kind of beat it and live with it there can be such tragic and awful things that happen to your organs and then Absolutely what your loved ones, your family members, you, in this case, your mom, end up having to be caregivers, potentially because you don't know what happened with the body and the diseases, blah, blah, blah. And then, in your instance, what you remember I'm a comedian you kind of slipped up into this caregiving thing because, like a banana peel, you slipped up all of a sudden you pregnant girl, you are pregnant with caregiving duties.

Speaker 2: 7:50

That's basically what happened. Jay, like you know, you thinking like oh well, let's just go, step in and just help out here. help out there he tried to do a whole thing, jay. So dealing with him and his complications and, like I said, you know, surviving alcoholic, it just it really wears on your different organs. He eventually went into he was diagnosed with dementia. So you've got amputation, you've got all these different health issues going along with dementia to where we had to hire someone to literally live in-house with him and help take care of him and but still I'm the responsible party to make sure that things are right, food is cooked, medication and all that is set up. So that's one person my baby sister suffers from. She suffers from complications due to lupus and you know, for people that know, lupus is an autoimmune disease that can literally attack any part of your body any time, any kind of way, and so, like I said, this is my baby sister that's dealing with this stuff. She went off to school what is it? I think it was 2007,. I graduated 2006. She graduated in 2007 from high school and she went off to Clayton State University. We were so happy, we were excited and at that time she had already been diagnosed and she was on medication and she would have her little pill box and take her pills and things of that nature. And within those seven days she had misdosed herself and essentially kind of overdosed herself in those seven days and went into psychosis.

Speaker 1: 9:38

Well, okay, wait, hold on, wait. I'm sorry. Okay, I just had to pause this. I have never, ever known. I am today, moment, seconds, years old, finding out that you can take so much medicine for one disease that it can trigger and create psychosis Like I have heard of overdosing and maybe dying. To be quite honest, maybe you lose your life or maybe you need your stomach pumped and things of this nature. But to say that it creates a mental snap or break, okay, I'm not gonna call you a liar, because why would you come on the park and lie about something like that? But a little bit in me, ash, I wanna be like girl. You lie. You know what I mean. I tell you if I could have had some video and audio footage.

Speaker 2: 10:43

I would have said it today, dave, Trust me, not in the first week With it. She was there for seven days, six or seven days, and you know she's the baby of the family. So mama's checking on her throughout that week and she seems like she's okay. But then mama's calling her and she's speaking really fast and she's not really making sense. Sinuses aren't really making sense. So at the time I was working in Haightville, and that's not too far from where Clayton State is If you go around Jonesboro Road, all that stuff. So it was I wanna say it was either Thursday or Thursday or Friday my mama's like look, she don't sound right, go check on her and see, you know, make sure everything is okay in her apartment. She had, I think, two roommates at the time and she's like just go check on her, make sure that everything's straight, because something ain't feeling right. So I get there and baby Sush refused to open up her bedroom door to me Cause she said that I was. I think she said I was like a cyborg of myself and she didn't trust me.

Speaker 1: 11:47

I wasn't real and I'm like I don't even know how to deal with this Cause. Again, we don't know what's going on at that time.

Speaker 2: 11:54

We don't know what's going on and I basically said I'm like look, I'm about to be late for work, you know, please open up this door. So she opens it up and you know she just like won't look at me and she'll walk straight to the door. I said you know, your class has already happened, right, you already missed your classes for the day. And she was like, oh okay.

Speaker 1: 12:13

I said you see, it's me man. I'm not an alien or something. I'm not this creature that you thought I was.

Speaker 2: 12:18

And she's like, oh, I guess you are yourself. Okay, all right. So I call my mom, I'm like, well, we don't have to come get her, cause I don't know what's going on or what happened, cause any number of things could have been going on she could have been dry, she could have been, I don't know. So, my mom and I, we go, what happened, nothing. We went and got her right at home and it just seemed to like escalate to where she's speaking pure German. She said, the German had school for like 40 years and she's speaking nothing but German and I'm like I could pick out like a couple sentences and like okay, wait, so she really knew German.

Speaker 1: 12:58

So you're not playing around with like cause you know, in my okay I got a crazy family. So whenever you start talking gibberish we just say that fool was speaking Mandarin. Okay, nobody speaks Mandarin, that's just our way of saying you were talking out the side of your neck, but you really mean she was speaking fluid German.

Speaker 2: 13:20

Fluid. She took it either three or four years in high school and she was studying it there at college as well, from German, like I don't know, speaking, there's no more. And you know. We got her home and she was like she wouldn't sleep. She did.

Speaker 1: 13:37

She really, like I said yeah, you know, I'm going to get a call center at the time. So I'm like I'm having, like you know, radio shift hours coming in at the middle of the night. She was screaming German the whole time and I just turned on mom and I'm like we can't handle this. We don't equipped to deal with this. I don't really understand what's going on but we need to find a solution.

Speaker 2: 13:59

We need to find someone that can help her, because what we're doing her just sitting up here speaking German the whole time we need help. So we started doing some research and finding some facilities, because initially we thought that it was just like a mental break, maybe being away from home or whatever the case is, and so we had her go to a center that basically said that her she had an imbalance and it was due to the medication so she must have, you know, taken too much of water or done whatever. And they're like, well, it's not really a whole bunch that we can do. I'm like what are you? Cause? You have to like, wait for it to come out of the system or whatever, and they can't give you something to just make you just snap out of it. So she was in maybe two different facilities, two or three different facilities at that time, cause then each one didn't know what to do with her and, you know, at one point they wanted to do shock electro therapy on her and my mom was like oh, no, no, no, you ain't gonna find my baby brains you ain't gonna no, no, no, no, we're just gonna have to wait this out, she goes. we can just make a journey.

Speaker 1: 15:09

There will be no Tuskegee experiment. We played in county stock bridge, Decatur.

Speaker 2: 15:19

And I played that stuff. She's like you're not gonna find my baby brain, we're just we're just waiting out.

Speaker 1: 15:24

But you ain't finna. Nah, y'all ain't by the silver and scramble her.

Speaker 2: 15:28

No, ain't happening, nope, not happening. So eventually, eventually they released her and she was more calm when she came home. She wasn't speaking the German stuff, cause I was like look, I don't even know about maybe one sentence and maybe a few things I can pick out in German, but all this fluent German stuff I can't do it. So she came home and she was calm, but it was like her subconscious was turned on and her conscious mind was turned off.

Speaker 1: 16:02

So you, know how like we might have something to do, we might go somewhere and be like girl. You know what that girl ain't supposed to be wearing that skirt.

Speaker 2: 16:09

It ain't fit, like she would say it. She would readily say these things that we would usually put in the back of our minds, so it made it very awkward at church. It made it very awkward at church.

Speaker 1: 16:24

What did she say about Sister Jackson's hat and shoes?

Speaker 2: 16:31

Yeah, yeah. So it was cause she was just very much like very matter of fact, I mean first step to everybody. I remember one night I was going out to the club with some friends and I lost a couple pounds.

Speaker 1: 16:43

I'm like you know.

Speaker 2: 16:44

I'm gonna keep it up and on. I'm like, yeah, I'm looking good, okay, go ahead. And she turned around the corner. She's like, oh, you going out in that. And I'm like you know, I'm a fearless guy. I'm like you know what? I know you ain't real and I'm just gonna leave that at that.

Speaker 1: 17:01

I know you ain't right.

Speaker 2: 17:03

You ain't right, but I'm gonna be okay.

Speaker 1: 17:06

You okay and you're like you know what? First of all, I don't know, did you used to think that all the time and didn't say it, cause now I don't know if I need to be mad at you. From 10 years ago, okay, where all this time? Ash, what were her vitals? Were her vitals okay, like her blood pressure and sugar and all of that? It was just.

Speaker 2: 17:32

Everything was right, except for, like like I said I don't know exactly the terminology as far as the medication and stuff goes. Her vitals were good her cholesterol, her pressure, blood, everything was on point. The mind had just floated away. Floated away. So a couple of months go by or so and she starts to kind of calm down, so she's seemingly back to normal, so to speak, right, and then she starts to lose vision in her left eye. And yeah, so she starts to lose the vision in her left eye. And you know she's going to specialists and stuff and there's not a whole bunch that they can do. So it's just something that is just an ongoing challenge, because people don't realize. Like I said, lupus is the core situation that she's dealing with, but it's causing all these other issues and other problems that we had to deal with. So that happened. So like I said during that time, there's a lot of that stuff was like the aftermath of that dealing with granddad, dealing with sister, I was like, okay, cool, I can deal with this, I can handle this. Mom starts to get sick.

Speaker 1: 19:00

Okay, what made you think you could handle those two?

Speaker 2: 19:04

I don't know. Okay, honestly and truthfully, I don't know. I think I didn't think that, I don't think that I took myself as being a caregiver. I just figured, okay, well, this is just what I do, this is just to help the family, this is just to get things along. I never, I don't think I really conceptualize you are taking on taking care of two sick people at the same time. Some, you know, sometimes there were, sometimes there was a point where all three of them were in three different hospitals at once. It was a lot. So then my mom I'm trying to remember the dates are all flashy 2011.

Speaker 1: 19:54

So your sister started to lose vision in her left eye. Was she at this point? Is she home or is she hospitalized?

Speaker 2: 20:04

She's home. She's home, she's getting somewhat back to normal, but she's starting to have issues with the kidneys. Ok, so that's kind of where that was starting to have issues with the kidneys. My mom, I want to say and I guess the dates are probably beyond me, but between 2010 and 2011,. My mom has now diagnosed with squariderma, and squariderma it's basically it's another autoimmune disease that basically it hardens the arteries in the body and it hardens your skin and it really pulls the skin really tight to where it's just a horrible disease. So she's diagnosed with that and she has to start dialysis. So now you know we've got three sick people and 2011,. December 2011,. She was in the hospital for a bit and we and my baby sister, we were like you know, we're going to honor her, we're going to make sure that we do something great for her and we're going to become Zetas, we're going to join her awarding, so we're going to be you know she got my sister.

Speaker 1: 21:23

You know getting to sisterhood and all of this. So me and sis, we went through the question Is that something your mom had encouraged you and your sister to do before that time, or had she kind of winked and nudged you all?

Speaker 2: 21:44

Or did y'all just?

Speaker 1: 21:45

say, hey, we got an idea. This is going to be the best Christmas gift mama ever had. We about to come in. We going to wrap it up in blue and white to anybody. Ok, first of all, to anybody who doesn't know, quite a large part of my following is outside the United States and Zeta is a college. It starts in college, but for the United States primarily, I'm a member of Delta Sigma, theta Sorority Incorporated. She's a member of Zeta Phi, beta Sorority Incorporated. They were both started at Howard University I want to shout that out which is where Kamala Harris also went to college. But we have college sororities that we are members of that was started at HBCUs and so you go ahead. Her mom was a member, and so I'm just asking and teasing, like, if you all, what made you all ready to sign then, and did your mom give you flak or give you a lot of junk that you all hadn't done before?

Speaker 2: 22:54

Yeah, no, she definitely kind of sprinkled her influence throughout the time and she was like, come on, you can do a grad chapter again, because by that time we're out of school. And she was like, no, come on, you can do the grad chapter. And da, da, da, and I'm all this person and that person and they would love for you to be a part of it. And I was like, honestly, I didn't think that I would join, I had no desire to join. I actually and this is another little secret on Jay Show I had initially, when I was in undergrad school, I wanted to be a Delta. I wanted to be a Delta, I ruled with Delta, I ruled all the parties. I was hanging with the Qs.

Speaker 1: 23:34

I would let the Q too. That's what, I'm sorry. Let me say something. Let me just say this them Q dogs are hard. They are hard to resist. Ok, now, that is just a thing. So for everybody who's not from America, the Q dogs that is an affectionate term for the members of Omega Sci-Fi Fraternity Incorporated and they are great. We'll look out, look, I'll post some of them and put the link at the end of this. Oh Lord, they are fantastic and phenomenal. For instance, someone who is of international acclaim, reverend Jesse Jackson, is a member of that fraternity, someone that most people would know, regardless of your race, religion, creed or color. Yes, Definitely, but what I'm also happy to know is that your sister was able to finish school, so her health did allow it. Did she did rebound enough or stabilize enough to finish college, and that's amazing. From the story that you are sharing with us about our health, that speaks a lot to her resilience and your village, so shout out to all the people.

Speaker 2: 24:54

Absolutely, that was one of her most proudest accomplishments, especially, like you said, after everything was said and done and everything that she had to deal with. That was huge. So I was kind of I really wasn't interested in joining a sorority. After that, somebody saddened me on the situation as well, so we'll talk after the fact. Where'd you go to school? Columbus State University, ok, yeah, yeah, yeah, singers shoeing in Columbus, georgia, yeah. But so I really didn't have an idea to want to do it. But my mom had just joined another chapter of Zeta and they were doing such great work, they were doing amazing work, and she just kept on, kept on with it. Come on, you want to come on, come on, be my sister, come be my sister. And I thought it was like, ok, I was looking at what they were doing and what they really stood for and I said you know what we can do this, we can do this. We were like you know, we don't do this. And so it was a whole experience within itself. But within that experience, mom had gotten sick again and she had to be in the hospital and it was due to, like I said, the whole dialysis, the kidneys issue, and it was around the time that we were going to have the second ceremony, and so she had just gotten out like a couple of days, and I was like, ok, mom, I got home, got her situated, set up, you know, she cool, she chilling, and I'm like, look, you just stay here and be calm and chill, and we'll send you pictures and we'll let someone take video of us. And she's like what you talking about, what you mean what you talking about? You don't send me pictures, I'm going to be there, I'm like no, no, no, but you just came out the hospital. You know we want to make sure that you home and you good, I'm going to be there and you ain't about to take me from it. I'm going to be there.

Speaker 1: 26:57

Now, look, I got to step in on this. I know I'm not a member of your sorority, but for those who are not a member of a black Greek sorority or fraternity, if you are a member like and then your child or cousin or whatever, if they become a member, then you get to go to the ceremonies where they get inducted that's the simplest way to put it and then you are allowed to be a part of that initiation ceremony and then you get to pin them with the membership pin. It is bigger than watching your child get married. It means more than I guess. It would be like if you were a three-star general and you got to pin your son in the four-star general. Like you just cannot miss it. Like you cannot. I'm a Delta, my mama's a Delta, and so they both flew to Howard, up to DC, in the dark of night and didn't tell me about it. I started crying so hard it's not? You would have Honey, you would have. Oh my God, I don't know if I've ever cried that hard for something that I actually was happy about, you know, because that's just, I didn't know they knew. Anyway, that's another whole story, nobody about to go into that. But for those. What I wanted to share with the audience is that I can imagine your mother looking at you and your sister like y'all have lost your rabbit blank. Mind If you think my babies are about to join my beloved Zeta and somebody's going to send me a video.

Speaker 2: 28:48

Yeah, she's what happened. She's not having it, and I respected that because she's mama Right, so we go and we do the ceremony and she's able to pin both of us. And she just had this glow and this sense of pride when she did it and afterwards it was just a whole moment and she said I'm so proud of y'all, I'm so glad that y'all did this. You know, this just brings me so much joy. And a couple of days later, our grandfather passed, and so that's her father and that's the one that was having all the issues and all the problems and everything. And it really just hit her extra hard because she was essentially responsible for him. From the time that she was old enough to walk and talk. Everybody always put she was like, yeah, she was five, six years old, making dinner in the islands of Jamaica, in the islands of Jamaica, and making sure and doing that. She had such a sense of responsibility that my brother and myself told her that he had passed and she gave out this whale that I will never unhear, and so that was the end of 2011. That was actually December 21. Wow, a lot of stuff happens in December. A lot of stuff. So, 2012, baby sister's doing all right. Left eye is still giving her issues and stuff, but then out of nowhere she falls and she can't get up. We get to the hospital. Both of her hips have shattered.

Speaker 1: 30:41

How does that? Oh the lupus OK.

Speaker 2: 30:45

Well, it was. Technically it was a prednisone. Prednisone is the drug that a lot of times is given to lupus patients and we didn't know, and it really wasn't emphasized to us, that it can weaken your bones.

Speaker 1: 31:01

Yeah, it's a steroid as a steroid they can. I found out about that. My grandmother did not have lupus, but she had COPD and emphysema and they gave her prednisone quite often because of that and she had osteoporosis. And because of the osteoporosis they told us about the side effects of the prednisone. But yeah, it's one of those things like hey, ok, it's not the same. But just remember that sometimes my sense of humor can be off kilter and it's almost like when they don't tell you about birth control and antibiotics and then you end up with a kid because you were on a birth control and you're like you could have told me I'm not saying I wouldn't have still taken the antibiotic, but it would have been nice to know that I could end up with a kid just because. Yeah, all right, anyway.

Speaker 2: 32:04

Yeah, I mean she was diagnosed with lupus at 16. So that's you know, that's super young still, you know it's like so it's been following her.

Speaker 1: 32:13

And so she'd been on prednisone the whole time.

Speaker 2: 32:16

Yeah, both hip shattered. I don't know if the angle that she fell or whatever, but both hips shattered. And so she went through a lot of different rehabs and stuff and then they ended up putting her in a facility. You know she had to be in what was basically a nursing facility and just going around that that was 2012. So that was a rough year. And then, mom, just you know, her health was also on the decline. So you know she was going to dialysis. My dad would take her in the morning, I would pick her up in the afternoon, and you know, as you well know, you know they have good days, they have bad days. You know those days that they don't want to take their meds, they don't want to eat, and it's a struggle, but it's like you know the necessary things that need to be done. So you just stay in the fight with them. So 2013 comes around and I'm looking at myself in the mirror and I'm like I don't even recognize me. Who is me? Who is Ash?

Speaker 1: 33:20

What is her story?

Speaker 2: 33:20

You know because it was just so much stuff, like my head was just spinning and I was like you know what I want to do, something that I've always wanted to do that I just never had really the balls to do it and never was brave enough to go out and do something. So I got super disciplined, I dropped 96 pounds and I dropped my army.

Speaker 1: 33:43

Wait, Wait a minute. God damn it. Ash Listen, I wasn't supposed to cuss.

Speaker 2: 33:50

Listen, you getting exclusive. I ain't never told nobody all this stuff, you know.

Speaker 1: 33:55

Listen, where is O'Frey? That's what my granddaddy called him, o'frey, god damn it. Like I'm going to need a shot of liquor after this Girl. You're going to be like I didn't cuss. I wasn't supposed to cuss. I got a pain in my back. Ok, all right, hold on. I love this. I love this. You told me you were going to give it to me. You ain't lying yet, I told you.

Speaker 2: 34:29

I'm exclusively telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I love it, I love it.

Speaker 1: 34:35

I'm never going to give it all out there and I'm going to honor this baby, I'm going to honor this From a熔knoll. Had your mom had had not been diagnosed yet she had she. When was she diagnosed with Alzheimer's?

Speaker 2: 34:54

No, she wasn't diagnosed with Alzheimer's. It was a square of perm. Ok, I'm her father. He was diagnosed with dementia.

Speaker 1: 35:02

I got you.

Speaker 2: 35:04

I got you.

Speaker 1: 35:05

I got you. So Did you decide to drop the weight or join the army first, or they go together? Who the hell? It's 2013. So this is okay. This is what I want everybody to really remember. This is after being lied. This is after 9-11. This is after all of the oh my goodness, we don't know who our enemy is anymore. Type of war. Countries aren't fighting Countries is more like clubs are fighting clubs, you know, and neighborhoods are fighting neighborhoods and buildings are fighting buildings. And here you are with the college degree and several talents and different and things on your CV and resume and you say I'm going to go fight people. Yeah.

Speaker 2: 36:14

I think this may have been the point where I kind of started to. I really started to just live on autopilot. I think that's really where a lot of it went from is I was living on autopilot.

Speaker 1: 36:32

Autopilot is not the army. Ash, listen who takes part in this.

Speaker 2: 36:40

I don't know where I put it from, but I will say that a big part of it. My mom was a school teacher in her last profession.

Speaker 1: 36:49

So when I see my resume, they're like, hey, you've been in so many different industries and you didn't?

Speaker 2: 36:54

yeah, because I watched from her example. So in her last profession she was a teacher. She was a school teacher and while she's going through dialysis and specialty visits and all of this stuff, she had to take time off of work. She couldn't teach, so her health insurance was giving her a really rough time, really really rough time about paying stuff and how much time she's got invested in all these things. So the army thing a lot of it came to that because I was like when I joined the army, they have some of the best health insurance in the world, the best healthcare in the world. I'll make her my dependent, the biggest gift that I could ever.

Speaker 1: 37:40

You know you can't give back those sleepless nights and the baby crowd for the nine months and all that. You can't give all that stuff back.

Speaker 2: 37:48

But that was a lot of my drive. I was like you know what I'm going to do this for her. I never told her, but you know she was. She was already sick and she was stressing about stuff and I didn't want her to stress my more. Oh man.

Speaker 1: 38:04

Oh Lord, you about to break me down, so I'm going to tell you this. The health insurance was still second to being a Zeta. You made her happiest becoming a Zeta.

Speaker 2: 38:22

I didn't think I was going to cry today.

Speaker 1: 38:24

I don't know how you ain't thinking you weren't going to cry today. Tell them all about all this. I'm crying in my pants right now. Everybody's got me peeing on my own. Look, this is an expensive chair, but that's fine. And I got babies in this cup. Look all of my day ones on this podcast. No, it's supposed to be Remi Martin 1738. I didn't put that in here, I was trying to be good. I ain't know if you were real churchy, but no more, no more, it's all I did Like I said.

Speaker 2: 38:58

I'm an open book it takes too much to try to hide and put up personas that act like you. I'm just me. You need to be the head of the love.

Speaker 1: 39:08

Well, I love it. I love it. I'm picking love, boo boo. I'm picking love with the ass.

Speaker 2: 39:19

So honestly, that was a lot of my drive because I wanted to get home a health insurance and that would just take so much of a burden off of her back. At the time baby sister had, we had gotten her to a nursing facility that was closer to the house and I think it was maybe six miles away, which was super easy because initially they had one that was past the airport and you know we were living in Lithonia, that's one heck of a hike. You know we, you know it would hurt our heart that we could only go and see her like once a week, because you know midday traffic, everything else. So we got into that and one moment, one moment, ash.

Speaker 1: 40:03

For those who don't live in Atlanta, lithonia, to pass the airport and Atlanta traffic is legendary. You're talking an hour and a half, one way easy and, yeah, hour and a half minimum. And if you are speaking of visiting hours, and then Ash and her family having work obligations and whatever you might have to do, it's really understandable how that could make it be a one once per week visit and then by getting your sister moved to where she's six miles or so from the house and on that side of town or closer to you, and you're not having to fight traffic patterns or be within what we call in the United States rush hour, which is the time when people are in traffic on their way to work and or school, which is where we have our bottlenecks.

Speaker 2: 41:06

Yeah, yeah, definitely, so got a little bit closer. Mom's health is on the decline and now I've got future soldier training. I am 30 years old and I'm going to future soldier training with some 16 or 17 year old. I'm like this is my mother. Okay, we're going to make this work. We don't. We don't make work. We don't wear it out One way or the other. We don't wear it out and I'll never get like um she had a special training.

Speaker 1: 41:41

Where did they take you, send you for training? How far away did you go?

Speaker 2: 41:46

They were sending me to Jackson, south Carolina. That's what they were sending me to actual like basic and stuff. But before basic you got to do all this extra stuff with maps and you got to meet up with your recruiter and all these different things. So that's becoming a weekly thing where, like twice a week, I would have to literally go and do whatever stuff that I had to get to prepare to go for basic training. Okay, and so, um, it was goodness it was probably late October, um, I had an appointment or whatever with basic training, so I had called somebody, one of her church friends, to come pick her up, um, and take her home from dialysis. And they went to go pick her up and and a lot of time I honestly blame myself Um, they dropped her and they were helping her get into the car and she fell on the pavement and she hurt herself really bad and so, um, we had to take it to the hospital and everything, and from there it just was a downward decline. It was downward to where, um, just everything just started to just really compound itself and it's just like everything was just so serious and everything was so major happening Um, with her in the hospital. It just was one thing after another. Well, she didn't have any problems with her heart before. Well, now we've got pressure issues and now we've got this going on and that, like it, just everything started to just mount on itself. And, um, one of the last times that I that she was like conscious, I was in the hospital with her and I'm sorry. No, please.

Speaker 1: 43:39

Please.

Speaker 2: 43:41

And they had a heart monitor on her and we were watching, like extra, watching some foolishness on TV, and all of a sudden doctors and nurses started rushing in the room, rushing in every like it's like 50 million people and then rush me out of the room in the pan. I go like it's brown. It's brown. And they said that her heart had stopped for 20 minutes. And I sat there with her. I didn't know and I felt like I should have. I don't know, I should have known something. But um, they resuscitated her and they put her in a medical coma and, um, when, when she, you know, was well enough to wake up because they were like they don't know what's going to do brain damage, if she's going to be able to talk, if anything's going on with her and um, she eventually did kind of wake up, but then they had to put in a trait collar in her throat and you know that's going on with the lungs and aspiration and all that stuff. And, um, by this time it's probably around Thanksgiving and, um, I'm there for every day, every day, and, um, you know, the doctors are saying you know, oh, you know, death is imminent. You know it's going to happen. Blah, blah, blah. All these are going wrong. And they're like I would go in and it would be a host of things that were going right for her that day and she'd be smiling, but then they would give me a laundry list of things that had gone wrong and, um, eventually they, uh, they said that there wasn't anything further. They could do for her and um they recommended hospice care and it just it was like I wasn't even living my life, it was like I was living to somebody else's life and um, so we got her into a hospice. I believe December 29th, and I was supposed to leave the 30th to go to Jackson, my recruiter. My recruiter said you know, as you know, you don't have to go. You know, maybe you should say, but it was like I almost heard my mom saying to me you better go, you did all this work, you better get your butt on that bus. And so, um the 30th, um, like I said, I'm, I'm there with a bunch of like two boppers, two little prunes and kids that they met at home. You know, I'm like, I'm like hey mom I'm so weird maybe two other girls that were like we were in our thirties or whatever. So we kind of met it together and um, but everything went wrong that day. I will never forget it Like my recruiter dropped me off at the at the airport because we would meet at the clock tower inside um Jackson international, and um, the bus was supposed to pick us up at six PM. Seven PM comes and goes no bus. Eight PM comes and goes no bus. So we go up to the USS. Um, was it USR? Um, the military people, I forgot what they are. The US USAR, I forget we go after that. We're like look, we're you know we're recruiter, as opposed to we picked up at six. They go and check some stuff. They're like, oh, the bus broke down on the way to get y'all and so they ain't got enough issues right. It's great the bus works now, so they had to dispatch another bus to come get us, and that bus should be there by 11. It should be there by 11 PM. It shouldn't be more than a minute. Well all one o'clock in the morning this bus shows up to pick us up, what I am. So we get on the bus and probably in a week yeah.

Speaker 1: 48:02

If they're supposed to come at six, okay. When nobody came to alert you all about this broken down bus, they didn't just say, hey, go home, and we're going to try this tomorrow. They didn't just say we're going to come get y'all tomorrow. No, they really thought y'all would just wait till whenever it showed up. That's why I'm not supposed to be in the middle there. I would have been like, oh, we know what. I'm going to come back tomorrow at 6 PM.

Speaker 2: 48:37

I would just wait, just wait, and it was just a continuous, just crazy journey. So we get on the bus. I think it takes like maybe an hour and a half, maybe even two hours to get to Jackson. We get to Jackson and I get well when we get to basic training, before you go you're in a thing called reception where you're sitting there for like six, seven days getting all your uniform and getting all your stuff together. So we get there and it's like maybe like two or three AM. We're late. Every all the other buses from across the country or wherever they were coming from, are already there. They're already getting set up and everything, and so they rush in this, out the buzzer. They give us this little snack pack. I had like some Lance crackers and like a juice box. I'm like this ain't gonna do nothing.

Speaker 1: 49:21

Yeah, they got none Because.

Speaker 2: 49:29

I'm hungry, so so we get started immediately. They have a nice goal to this, like this downward basement area to go pick up our uniforms, and so we are in mind with hundreds of other recruits, and I'm waiting in line.

Speaker 1: 49:50

And I look at my car. I don't know why.

Speaker 2: 49:51

I look at my watch and it's around four AM and I look over and I see this giant yellow Ben's bright like fluorescent yellow bin and it says Brown comma D, brown comma D. My mother's name is Donna Brown and her son, donna Teresa White Palmer Brown.

Speaker 1: 50:24

I'm like, are you trying to?

Speaker 2: 50:24

tell me something. Come to find out. That's around the time that she passed.

Speaker 1: 50:33

What was it on?

Speaker 2: 50:34

whatever you were reading, it was like one of those big beans that you roll with the wheels, and it said Brown Comma D. I'm like I don't know how clear that can be. It's what it is.

Speaker 1: 50:49

I'm like God. Are you trying to?

Speaker 2: 50:51

tell me something We've already missed sleep time that time. We missed all of that About time we need to get a lot of our equipment and stuff. They sent us to our barracks where we were sleeping or whatever, but we didn't get to sleep because we missed sleep time. Right Immediately they send us to go get blood first I think it was and then to go do blood work. Go get blood first, go do blood work. As soon as the lady finished taking blood from my arm, one of the drill sergeants was yeah, boy, that's Brown. Boy, that's Brown, I know you're at. I'm like, in that moment I knew something had happened. I knew it. I knew it. I got up and I recognized myself. They just pulled a random other recruit with me, the other girl that was like 30, and in her 30s as well. So I did that with her.

Speaker 1: 51:51

We were like yeah, and you other, not totally Tina Boppa person we want you to, we just don't want to look obvious.

Speaker 2: 52:03

Yeah, well, no issues. We got to go to the Corporal's office or whoever was up, major or whatever. We go to that office and the drill sergeant goes and says hey, you two stay out here. She goes and closes the door. The recruit would let me. She's like what did you do? We only been here a couple of hours. What did you do? I told her. I said I think it's my mom.

Speaker 1: 52:31

She was, like we only been here, like we was late and we only been here a couple of hours. We barely had nothing to eat.

Speaker 2: 52:39

We couldn't sleep. What did you do that time? What could you have possibly done?

Speaker 1: 52:45

Right, not only what did you do, but I am not even that much friend with you Like we're not even friends Like that. How come I'm with you and tell me before we go inside, so I can tell them how much I did not do it with you.

Speaker 2: 53:04

Essentially, essentially. And she tells me no, I tell her I think it's my mom, I think she probably passed and that's why I'm being pulled. And she turned and she was like wow, I'm so sorry to hear that my mom passed last year. And I'm like what? What are the chances of that? What are the? That was not by chance, that's not no coincidence. The girl's mother passed. I don't remember when she said, but she said her mom passed the previous year and I'm like whoa, so the drill sergeant? She opened up the door and let's us in, or whatever. And when you're off of basic training, people can't call you. That's one of the first thing that they do is they take your cell phone. You have no communication with the outside world.

Speaker 1: 54:01

Nobody can just call up and hey how you doing.

Speaker 2: 54:03

No, none of that the only when you're in training, the only entity or people that can reach out and talk to you or send a message is the Red Cross. So they put me in the office and they read me the Red Cross message that my recruiter had actually called and let them know about my mom and you know it was a whole blue session.

Speaker 1: 54:29

It was all kind of waterwork. I don't even remember how long.

Speaker 2: 54:32

I think, I just I really just kind of checked that after that point on it, just Really I didn't think, I couldn't think, I didn't know what I was thinking. What is it? And you would think, because in my mind, logically, I was like, okay, this girl's mom's passed away, she's going to go home and settle about the arrangements and do all that. No, at that point I was, I had already signed my contract with the Army, so technically speaking, I was Army property. I could not leave immediately for basic training to go home and settle about all of my whereabouts and things. I had to go and get special permission from some other hire up person and they had to approve it in order for me to leave. And it wasn't an immediate thing, it was a Tuesday. I never forget that it was a Tuesday and I couldn't leave until that Saturday. So, yeah, yeah, I couldn't leave until that Saturday and shout out to my recruiter, who became a really good, like really big sister type for me, anita Tilary, she they told her that, okay, her mom passed. Okay, whatever, send her, you know, have her to book a bus ticket or get a plane ticket to go home. And she was like that girl's mom just passed, she didn't join the Army to spend money. She joined the Army to become a part of this organization and we cannot fail her. So she said I am going to personally use my government vehicle to go up to Jackson from Lawrenceville and pick her up and bring her home. That's what I'm about to do. You all need to let me up. Do what you got to do. Do what you got.

Speaker 1: 56:33

Okay, I know that's right Okay.

Speaker 2: 56:37

Well, I tell you, god has sent me some angels to look over me and my family. It is unmasked, unmasked. So I get home that Saturday and you know we're going through arrangements and planning everything and again they put me with stipulations. I had emergency leave on stipulations so I could not drive, I could not be out past 9 pm, I could not drink alcohol, like. They gave me a whole list of things that I, because if I cause some kind of issue or accident or problem, the Army is liable, not me, because I'm the Army property at this point, right. So they gave me a whole long list of things that I couldn't handle, which I was like I don't do that stuff anyway, so it don't matter.

Speaker 1: 57:26

I'm depressed, I'm sad. Anyway, I'm making nothing.

Speaker 2: 57:29

So I left Okay.

Speaker 1: 57:31

I left and went home that Saturday.

Speaker 2: 57:33

I had to be back that following Sunday to start basic. The funeral was at Saturday. That was not a good idea. That was not a good idea. So I just felt like I was just going through the motions of things. I was like you know, I gotta finish what I start. My mom always pushed me to finish what you start, finish what you start. And I went back there that Sunday and Monday we started basic training and I just I had a mental a meltdown. I had a whole mental meltdown. It was just, it was too much. I didn't know up from down. I didn't know just anything of what I was doing because I had never felt grief that deep, never. So I had a whole mental situation. They laid me unstable. I stand by that. I was certainly unstable.

Speaker 1: 58:23

They were, like it's funny, like the second or third second Wait, wait, as you're like, what I'm not going to do, what I'm not going to do at all, is call them liars. There's no reason for dispute. I don't need arbitration, they will write it's. They will write it's rain Write on the money.

Speaker 2: 58:49

Write on the money. So maybe the second down was there. They were starting to issue rifles and Hell, no, hell, no.

Speaker 1: 59:02

They were all forgiving you a rifle. They should have looked at you and said, well, just stand beside the people with the rifle. And looked like they should have given you a broom and said hold a broom, like it's a rifle.

Speaker 2: 59:18

I didn't even get a broom Jay, I was telling you, so they was issuing out rifles, right. Come up to my name and the other friend.

Speaker 1: 59:26

That was across from the way he said oh, oh, oh, brian, does not get issued a rifle.

Speaker 2: 59:30

He does not issue a rifle. No, brian does not get a rifle, absolutely not. I was like I didn't get a rifle man, maybe I'll get one, I'm okay, what other thing? But I did not get a rifle. No, I don't blame them. I do not blame them in the least. Yeah, I don't blame them in the least, absolutely not.

Speaker 1: 59:54

How long were you there before they escorted you away from training?

Speaker 2: 1:00:02

It was weird. I was there at training for maybe two weeks but, honestly, most of the time I was there just crying. They were sending me to the chaplain.

Speaker 1: 1:00:10

They were like go see the chaplain Brian.

Speaker 2: 1:00:12

Just go check on the chaplain.

Speaker 1: 1:00:15

They were just like send me to the chaplain. But they were talking about the Bible, they were talking about Jesus, talking about God.

Speaker 2: 1:00:21

You remind me, you know, but I don't remember the timeline. But it came to a point where they knew that I wasn't going to go any further and they knew that I was just not in the mind space to complete it. And, honestly, with my mom's passing it just really was the main push behind me doing it. So with her passing it just kind of it lost the special meaning for me and I just I didn't have the heart for it. No more, right. So so, yeah, so they sent me home. I took a bus home. That was weird. I never took in a bus like long distance. I was like this is strange. You're going to different cities. It wasn't like a strange shot, I was like, oh, we're going to stop in Black Crate, Georgia, right quick, and then we're going to make sure we get on down and you'll love it. So my stop. They dropped me off in Magic City. There's a star that's gray house out there. I didn't even realize. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, this is going to be interesting, I got to tell everybody.

Speaker 1: 1:01:30

Magic City is the most historic, most infamous, world renowned legendary strip club on the East Coast. It is in downtown Atlanta, georgia, and it has made many a young lady a college graduate and it has made many a man divorced.

Speaker 2: 1:01:58

Shout out to Magic City. Shout out to.

Speaker 1: 1:02:00

Magic City. They have great chicken wings and awesome DJs. It's nice to go.

Speaker 2: 1:02:06

It's nice to be nice too. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm so.

Speaker 1: 1:02:10

So you got that.

Speaker 2: 1:02:12

They dumped me off in like Manila tonight, so it was like it's pitch black, so it was like it literally just lights up there.

Speaker 1: 1:02:19

They were like we're not going to keep you, but we're also not responsible for you.

Speaker 2: 1:02:27

What you do is to get home. So I was in my contract. And then that's another thing too. Because it was such a unique situation, the Army didn't really know what to do with me and, honestly, they should have discharged me right there at training, right? That would have made more sense, right?

Speaker 1: 1:02:46

Yes.

Speaker 2: 1:02:48

But because they already started a unit, they said well, your reserve unit is going to discharge you, blah, blah, blah. Ok. I said OK, they're going to do it. Fine, great. The reserve unit that I belong to was not a good unit. They were not cohesive at all. They didn't know what the heck they were doing and they just kept giving me run around or call them run around, or run around to where. 19 months later I was still in the Army and I still had to report once a month. Or else they said that they were going to court-martial me or send the military police to come get me if I didn't show up. But keep in mind, I'm not finished training. I didn't finish training. I got my uniform and everything, but I'm not finished training. Technically speaking, I'm not legally supposed to be there because I don't have the all the know-how of everything. Right, and they didn't know how to discharge me. I had to find another unit and explain them the situation, like I said, over a year had passed and I had to find another unit to you know, explain the situation.

Speaker 1: 1:03:59

And they were like why are you still even?

Speaker 2: 1:04:01

doing it. I said exactly Exactly my point.

Speaker 1: 1:04:05

When you showed up. What would you do?

Speaker 2: 1:04:10

File and shred paperwork. I can't make this stuff up. I can't. I wish that I would be creative in my day to just pull things out of the sky and just make things work, but the only thing that I was legal enough to do was to file and just shred paperwork. It was a lot of stuff. I mean, it was a lot of paperwork, I ain't no lie. But it wasn't enough for me to push off a whole weekend to where I started to meditate and I was really talking to God, like you know, what am I supposed to be doing, lord? Like what is it that you want me to be doing and what should I be? And it just kept coming back to me. You need to use your voice, ok.

Speaker 1: 1:04:57

Use your voice.

Speaker 2: 1:04:59

And I had a friend at the time that suggested that I start another podcast show. I was like I don't want to do another podcast show. People are unbelievable. People don't tell the truth, People don't show up on time People don't do what they supposed to do.

Speaker 1: 1:05:12

I don't want to do that, it's too much stress. Right.

Speaker 2: 1:05:15

And she's like no, no, but there's this app. There's this app called Spreeker.

Speaker 1: 1:05:19

You can download it on your phone and that's your interface. That's how you record your shows.

Speaker 2: 1:05:23

And I was like what do I even mean Whatever? So I started recording myself in the morning before I would go to the gym and I would talk about just life stuff Most of it, about my feelings about my grief and dealing with this loss.

Speaker 1: 1:05:39

But a lot of it. I'm probably crying and really having a moment.

Speaker 2: 1:05:45

They sent me an email later on that year and they were like hey, we're adding showings to iHeartRadio. Would you like your show to be added?

Speaker 1: 1:05:53

And I'm like this show, that I'm doing it once in a while, that I remember doing it.

Speaker 2: 1:05:57

Yeah, I want to put this on iHeartRadio. Ok, it's a giggle shirt, take it.

Speaker 1: 1:06:04

I do it. I ain't doing that show regularly.

Speaker 2: 1:06:06

Jay, I ain't got no themes, I ain't got no topics. I'm just doing the show whenever Right.

Speaker 1: 1:06:12

About a year later, I get an email from them congratulating me that my show is on iHeartRadio and I'm like no, no, please don't tell me that, please, please, please.

Speaker 2: 1:06:26

I'm not going to get all of the crying and all the extras that I put out there. I was like oh, this is not good, this is not, this is not what I am telling you at all, and so I started to reach out to a lot of small business owners that I knew, and people that I know had small businesses and things of that nature had them on the show. The show eventually just started to pick up on different sectors. As of today 1,900-plus episodes, half a million streams around the world People still downloaded and check it out and everything- and it's like that is my passion project. I love that show and it started off in a very sad place, very, very sad, not a good place, but for it to be what it is today and for people to take inspiration from the people that I interviewed and the people that I've had on there, it was a huge blessing, huge, huge blessing. And I think that side road on something, what else you were?

Speaker 1: 1:07:24

vulnerable. You were vulnerable, you were healing, you allowed others to heal and your light was shining. Even in sadness, a light still shines, yeah, right, so the sun can cry too. This is true. This is very true. Congratulations, more than anything, on continuing to listen to your own voice. That is the thing that I've heard the most, as you've shared throughout this conversation, is you heard something and then you did that, even when it may not have been the most prudent, the most common or the most mainstream, or you may not even have planned it or been excited about doing it. From your current podcast, from its beginnings, to the Army, or even ultimately, becoming a member of the Divine Nine, you know, right, I mean so many things, yeah, where you were just like no, no, I wasn't about to do, oh, yeah, ok, you know what I am, I'm going to go ahead and do that, right. Or even how you as I was teasing earlier, but how you slipped up into caregiving, but then still did it so fully.

Speaker 2: 1:09:25

Yeah, that is the answer, the more that I was yes, and I mean the more that I was even just getting inspiration from you and from your previous shows and listening to how you embrace the caregiver, I was like, wow, I want to be able to share my story and somebody out there in the world to hear and know like you're not alone. And for those of you out there that know someone that's going through, check on your strong friends. Check on your strong friends, especially if they're going through a difficult time or a time that they're not even familiar with. Check on those strong friends, Cause, as much as people say, oh, you're so strong, you're so good, you're just, I'm still a person. I still heard, I still have feelings and now you know, I just. I just joined the Flutters Club this year, Jay, Okay.

Speaker 1: 1:10:20

Girl, you better do it. You better do it, swirl with it, twirl with it it. Listen, it ain't nothing. But another day. 40s, listen, let me tell you something. 40s, I smiled and rocked with you when you said 2011,. 2012, because that was my transformative year as well. I almost died in 2011. And then my father did die in 2012. And that is what jump started my mother's early onset of Alzheimer's. So 2011 to 2012 is the year where nothing remained the same. I literally almost died in surgery. I had to have two subsequent save my life surgeries and then, you know, dad died the first week of January 2012. And within 90 days, my mom was battling two forms of dementia. And it was okay. Jay, what are you gonna do so? What you gonna do now? Mom has this stuff. What you gonna do so? I don't know. While 2012 was not how do I wanna put it? 2012 was not COVID, it was not the pandemic, I still believe there was some kind of energy going on. Yeah, there was something going on. And then what I remember was that Trevon Martin happened that year. Whitney Houston fought with a bathtub and lost that year. So it was just weird shit, you know, and just some really so weird. I mean people die all the time but Trevon Martin went no regular death, you know, and Whitney Houston dying in a bathtub of like a regular ass hotel bathtub of like six inches of water. Right, you guys understand, you know? Just yeah, so I get that. Child is another right. That's a year long. We could do that twice a week for a whole year and still have more to say okay.

Speaker 2: 1:12:54

Still have stuff to talk about.

Speaker 1: 1:12:56

How did your, how did your sister manage your mom's passing, your mom's passing?

Speaker 2: 1:13:05

Because I was actually isolated. You know, because, remember, I was at training, so I'm gone, I'm isolated. I don't really know the nuances of that, but she was actually in the hospital at the same time that my mom was put in hospice care, right, and my dad, my brother and the rest of the family and a couple of the church people went there and my brother, he broke it down and told her and you know, I mean, it's just how do you take that?

Speaker 1: 1:13:38

I don't know You're talking about. I don't know, I didn't know if you all did tell her right away or if you know, because I've had some. I've known some people who when there's a family member like your sister who is, you know, in a facility where they're not, they can't quite get out, and the other family member was in a facility and you could just not address it. Right, they've chosen, for reasons of fragility, to not address it and that's an option for you do whatever you want.

Speaker 2: 1:14:20

For some people that would work. Because of my sister, like because of her situation, she was still as sharp as a nail. Ah gotcha, she said she, you're not gonna get nothing past her, she's gonna know something's up. You know that eye situation that her not being able to walk. She's gonna know something's up. So they had to address it. I gotcha, they were going to have to because she was gonna know something was up. Somebody was either gonna come up and say something or, you know, she is sharp and that's one thing that I'm so proud of her, of just being her own advocate and, you know, making sure her appointments and stuff are set and going in and you know she don't become nobody. You know, it's just that one aspect of her life is that right now she's not capable of walking. But that's also in the worst. God ain't done with her. I tell her that all the time I say God ain't done with you, girl, they're gonna send a big call, call a custody app.

Speaker 1: 1:15:22

They don't need to send a big thing at all.

Speaker 2: 1:15:24

I don't know if I'm gonna, no, but my man will send a big. Look, I see what you did on that. How do you see that? Hey, you got. It's my vision for you. I don't understand.

Speaker 1: 1:15:35

She say listen don't, you need not worry about my sources. I got receipts and watch, watch how you're acting. So this has been rewarding, rejuvenated oh my God, so refreshing you have. You've taken me places. I didn't know we were about to go today. I'm so, I'm so grateful. You are welcome to come back anytime. I do want to ask you one additional thing. Okay, after such a variety of caregiving roles you're speaking of you know your sister, a sibling, a parent, a grandparent what is the common thread in caregiving from your perspective? The thing that you would say yeah, no matter who I was caring for as a caregiver, this aspect or this, this aspect of caregiving, this aspect or this character trait was always useful or it seemed to always benefit me. Right, yeah.

Speaker 2: 1:17:10

Wow, I would say that the most important characteristic that I've taken back from that and I've been able to see in myself is compassion and, as a lot of people know, if you have someone in your life or someone that you love that is going through stuff and maybe they can't do the things that they could do before, just taking that extra time speaking softly with them, speaking just so gingerly with them, because they're going through something that they've never had to go through before, and whether that is, you know, my granddad cussing me out at his end of stage, he was a character of such, he was a character of sorts, and I mean one of my last, I'd say my last conversation with him. He was put into hospice care at his house and I went to go check on him and I was like hey, granddad, how you doing he's all, I don't even know whatever. And I was like did you need anything? Do you want me to go pick you up something to eat or something? He was like I need you to lift me up and put me up in that recliner over there.

Speaker 1: 1:18:20

And I'm thinking like sir you are 6'2 over well over 200 some pounds I get.

Speaker 2: 1:18:27

so I was like look, grandpa you know I can't do that because you know you're a little bit bigger than me, you know, and I would hurt myself in trying to lift you up.

Speaker 1: 1:18:37

He's like what is your brother at? Tell him to come and help you.

Speaker 2: 1:18:40

I was like, well, it's just me, granddad, it's just me. What the hell are you? I can't get you back. I just have to just leave those situations as they are, especially as somebody that is at end of life type situation like that just let them have it, let them have it.

Speaker 1: 1:19:03

Let them have it it may piss you off and you'll be mad at the moment Like you're a mother trucker, you can't say that stuff, let it go, let it go.

Speaker 2: 1:19:14

So having compassion, I think, is the biggest part of it from my aspect, given my set of experiences.

Speaker 1: 1:19:27

Oh, you got honey. You got more in the set. I'm a poker player Like in another lifetime I think I would do professional poker. I have a dream Since you shared so much with me and you gave me an exclusive, I'm gonna tell you something I've never said out loud in a public format or something that I've never disclosed. I have a dream, a fancy, of doing a like a three or four day comedy poker tournament extravaganza. So many comedians are also poker players and my vision is that we are having comedy shows from maybe like four in the afternoon to like 10 pm and then the poker tournament is going from like like a three or four day comedy show and the poker tournament is going from like five am to noon for whoever's in the audience and whatever comedians want to participate, and the championship. You know it's living now. It's fast paced, it's furious and we live it on the edge a little bit. It can't last a week. This is like a Thursday to a Saturday, but we're telling jokes and we're playing poker. You know I would have like, you know, espn or Bravo or somebody like that covering and a good deal of the funding would go to Alzheimer's. But it also like be involved with WSOP, the World Series of Poker, and then you know because the notion is you, what you do by day and what you do by night.

Speaker 2: 1:21:30

So that's the. I like that. I can see that. Like maybe like in a crew setting somewhere or somebody that's got like I don't know or like that I can see that. That looks like fun.

Speaker 1: 1:21:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, always thinking, always thinking. But maybe bring that up and you said set of experiences, and so a set. A set is, you know, three of basically three, of the same thing as a set like three, three, three, four it's a set. So you said I started thinking poker. But I'm like no baby. You have all the sets. You have had all the sets. You got the full house, you got the rural flush of experiences you know it's definitely Obama and a grandparent. I don't know what the hell else you could have unless you would care for your own self. But that's kind of hard. I mean, let everyone know how they can support you, how they can follow you, where they can find you, all the things of ash Brown.

Speaker 2: 1:22:38

I appreciate that and I appreciate you allowed me to be on your platform today and sharing a little bit about my story For those of you out there that want to check me out. You can check out ash said itcom. Ash said itcom. You can follow me across social media at one love ash, that's the number one, l O V E S H, and I'll see y'all online inside the world.

Speaker 1: 1:23:02

That's right. I love it. Thank you so very much and I'll see you next time. This Nugger Love is real. Number one Listen, don't wait for a for real, for real plan. If you have a little voice, that'll go a long way. As a caregiver, you won't have time to come up with a cute plan and set up some Excel spreadsheet or post-it notes. First of all, if you even did that, the chances of things lining up in a way that you can execute the original plan boy back, girl, hush your mouth it's not even worth your time, effort or energy. So if you get a little inkling and something leads you to do one particular thing on any given day, that's enough. Don't add pressure and stress to yourself because, oh my goodness, what am I supposed to do next month? Like we saw with Ash, she just did the next thing, one small step at a time. Number two Caregiving comes in a lot of forms and in a ton of responsibilities and titles. You're a caregiver if you are providing care to an adult. I would actually say if you're a mother and you're home caring for your little kids, you're a caregiver as well. But that's not the primary, that's not the largest part of my audience over. Well, look for this podcast. Let's just say we're talking about individuals who are caring for adults who have needs. But listen, you don't have to be, like me, a full-time caregiver for a mother with dementia, where my mom lives with me. If you are responsible to take your grandfather to the doctor twice a week for dialysis, you're a caregiver because on those Tuesdays and Thursdays from 2 pm to 5 pm, you can't do shit else. You can't go to work, you can't go on a date, you can't go to the post office. If your schedule has to be altered for the care of a loved one, yeah, honey, go ahead and call yourself a caregiver. And let me tell you why. We need you to own it. People like me need you to own it. It normalizes our entire community and the quicker you own it, the more you will talk about it and you'll tell your coworkers, your neighbors, people at church, the hair salon yeah, I'm a caregiver too. I have to take my niece or my cousin to these doctor's appointments or I have to hang out with them three Saturdays a month and more people will recognize that there's a lot of us. And then it gets to the legislators and it gets to the government and then we start to get more laws and more insurance benefits. You see what I'm going with this. Let's normalize it, talk about it. We need you to take ownership and call yourself a caregiver. See, I choke myself. I got all hyped up. All right, anyway, y'all know what I mean. Number three healing never ends. Caregivers, healing never ends. Ash was honest enough and vulnerable enough to share tears with us during this conversation. Her mom gained her wings years ago. The healing continues. If you're a caregiver and your LO is still alive, it's a long journey of goodbye Every day that you think about them wasting away in front of you. It's painful. If your LO has already transitioned, then you are thinking about what you used to do. If it's the holidays or a birthday, it's a memory of what you used to have. I know, I know I go through this same shit. The healing doesn't end, but but the healing does become more rewarding. So talk about it with whomever you can. It doesn't have to be your best friend, or even someone you know. Often I get my most soul quenching conversations with strangers On an airplane, sitting at the bar waiting for a salad and a soda. I'm lying, waiting for a glass of liquor and a hamburger. Maybe I'm in a restaurant, maybe I'm doing a comedy show and I'm waiting after the comedy show for my car to come and you just sit down and say, hey, what do you do? Invariably caregiving comes up and I just give them the short story. And when you tell people the short story of your caregiving life, it can get deep and dark really fast. The healing comes as I hear myself telling how far me and Zettie have come and how hard we're still pushing to make her last years count. Here's healing in that, because what we didn't give up, we're still at it. Yup, I'm a caregiver and so are you. What's up family? Share this episode right here with a caregiver you love. Review on Apple Podcasts. Follow us on social media and please subscribe to our YouTube channel.