A plane, a boat, a monkey: Our Love Circus - A convo with Yvette McNally, pt 2

Yvette: 0:00

There a couple times she will call me her sister. She would call me Marcy.

J Smiles: 0:03

Right.

Yvette: 0:03

But it'll be interesting and this would be his again, another trip of just ow the brain works. Where there was one of those times where, you know, she was talking to somebody. Like no mom, come ove here. You know, I'm no caregiv r so I'm trying to remember the stories. I'm trying to do everyt ing they do, but you know, i doesn't work. She's like, and I'm like, mom, I mean, we g t into an argument because yo know, as many times we try to b patient, there's sometimes like I have to admit sometimes you jus

J Smiles: 0:27

Absolutely.

Yvette: 0:28

Fucking plant, li e a goddamn plant. Like, you now because I'm like, what the h ll, what are you doing?

J Smiles: 0:36

Right. What was she saying? Those moments when you say the goddamn plant?

Yvette: 0:40

This is what she would say so then usually when I would go lock myself in the bathroom, because now I feel guilty.

J Smiles: 0:46

Of course, of course.

Yvette: 0:47

Just yell at your mother like that. Clearly, she doesn't know, like you know, that's what I'd be in the bathroom. Like, you know, tears. Like a mad like, I'm crying.

J Smiles: 0:56

Right.

Yvette: 0:56

I'm frustrated. And I've

J Smiles: 0:58

That's a full out meltdown, right?

Yvette: 1:00

Look, I'd come down and she would be siting on the couch, and I walk in, I be like, mom? She'd be like, I'd be like, yeah, mom. She'd be like, come here. And I'm like what? She'd be like sit down. I'm like what? She like your aunt. I'm like what? She like, Marcy. Like what? She's like, I don't know what's wrong with her. She just started yelling talking about it's not a plant, it's not a plant. I don't know what's wrong with your aunty. As I'm looking at her, like, really? Aunty Marcy did that? I was like, she's like yeah, she was like, she should probably just go home and like, I don't know what. I was like okay. Well, I'll just tell her. I'll tell her maybe she should come back another day.

J Smiles: 1:41

Parenting Up- caregiving adventures with comedian J Smiles is the intense journey of unexpectedly being fully responsible for the well being of my mama. For almost a decade, I've been chipping away at the unknown, advocating for her, and pushing Alzheimer's awareness on anyone and anything with the heartbeat. Spoiler Alert- I started comedy because this stuff is heavy, be ready for the jokes. Caregiver newbies, OGs, village members trying to just prop up a caregiver, you are in the right place.

Zetty: 2:13

Hi, this is Zetty. I hope you enjoy my daughter's podcast. Is that okay?

J Smiles: 2:25

Today's episode, a plane, a boat, a monkey: our love circus. A Conversation with Yvette McNally, Part Two. This is not even a year, you guys are not even a year in

Yvette: 2:37

Not even a year in. And we're still trying to figure it out.

J Smiles: 2:41

Right, you don't even know what's happening.

Yvette: 2:43

Yeah. So now one day and recognize she could walk like she can walk, walk.

J Smiles: 2:48

I mean, she can walk. And obviously she can walk where. She can walk, she can talk.

Yvette: 2:53

She can talk. She can call 911. You know, sometimes she'll be confused. Like, now if she's watching TV and the phone rings on TV, she'll pick up the phone and be like, Hello, hello? Oh, they're talking on the TV, she'll answer the TV.

J Smiles: 3:07

Well, hey, listen.

Yvette: 3:08

So it was so like

J Smiles: 3:09

Yeah

Yvette: 3:10

You said it's like this cognitive dissonance. Her answering them is actually making sense.

J Smiles: 3:15

Yes.

Yvette: 3:15

But then she realized that she's talking to the remote and talking to the TV. You know what I'm saying?

J Smiles: 3:20

Right.

Yvette: 3:20

For her..

J Smiles: 3:22

Like what is really happening? Is this my mom? It can't be.

Yvette: 3:28

So we're at, we're in October now and I remember, we found, we had a lady, another friend referred. Because also the thing you got to make sure that we kind of did the agency, you know, we kind of did that but now we have a friend referral because also, as you know, with the money if she which we try to keep the money very, you know, minimal, but that was always our thing. You know, our parents and grandparents are always looking for their purse. Where's my wallet?

J Smiles: 3:52

Right.

Yvette: 3:53

And check-in right? And so we always had to leave keep a little five or something in there because if not, then she would, you know, that that would be the next thing like I got to get to the bank. I don't have any money.

J Smiles: 4:03

Right.

Yvette: 4:04

So we always kind of had to make sure that we we were keeping that, you know, you want to make sure that you have people in your house that you can trust because you just don't know, with her jewlery, with anything.

J Smiles: 4:15

That's correct. That's correct.

Yvette: 4:16

You know and what she can give somebody to hold for a minute.

J Smiles: 4:19

That's right. And did you ultimately find people from the agency or from referrals from friends? Or both?

Yvette: 4:27

A little bit of both.

J Smiles: 4:28

A little bit of both, that's what I ultimately found too

Yvette: 4:31

This is a trip now listen to this. So now we come home from work one day. She said mom, she's calling she's like, hey, how are you guys? Hey, mom, how are you? The caretaker leave. She said everything is fine, she's eating. Mom's in there and then she's telling me she's like my my back hurts. You know, part of me thinking like you're probably tired because you've been walking up and down the steps and walking all over the house.

J Smiles: 4:56

Right Right, in some pain.

Yvette: 4:56

But always have the people at least take her out for a walk. You know get air, get exercise. And so she was like, I don't know and she started complaining and saying like, so Something was wrong and that's what I think needs my I'm like okay. So when my brother comes, you know, she was at the little like kind of wincing and crying, he was actually going to applying for a doctorate to go into physical therapy, so he started touching her back with does it hurt there? Are you sure mom? And I think she really started crying. And that one thing that I will always remembered what that my mom didn't cry unless she was really brother went to stand her up and walk her and it was almost like her leg kind of buckled.

J Smiles: 5:33

Oh, wow.

Yvette: 5:34

The woman who I'm saying she was walking marathons.

J Smiles: 5:38

Right, right, right.

Yvette: 5:39

At one point my brother was like dang, maybe she can't walk her legs, but you know?

J Smiles: 5:42

Right.

Yvette: 5:43

We always kind of had these sides. Some people were just like, like, you gotta kind of joke and figure this out.

J Smiles: 5:49

You absolutely.

Yvette: 5:49

Unless you're here 24 hours. It's like you don't understand it.

J Smiles: 5:53

That's correct.

Yvette: 5:53

Take her to ER, Cedars Sinai. Explain to them like this is what's going on our mom. Like she has dementia, she has Parkinson's. She's walked all the time. Not sure what's going on, but she's complaining about a pain in her lower back. It was, it was kind of difficult to get her in the car. Took both of us to kind of walk her out, you know, her legs just being really kind of weak. I can remember, they run test, they do this, you go through everything. And you know, you're trying not to be impatient, but you're just like...

J Smiles: 6:21

Right.

Yvette: 6:22

Okay, we've done all that. Like, she comes here all the time. Like, check her records and I'll never forget, like, they don't find anything. But now also at this point, like, when she goes to get out of the bed like she can't walk. Now she can't walk it off and so I was like, okay, she semi walked in here and now she can't walk out. If you guys don't have a diagnosis, like what do you mean take her home? And now it's like, we literally could lose..

J Smiles: 6:50

Like, No, I'm not taking a home and she's worse. Right?

Yvette: 6:53

Right. We came to ER at like 6pm or 7pm. It's two in the morning and now you have to admit her. Like she limped in here and she can't even walk out and you're telling me to take her home

J Smiles: 7:06

We're not going to do that.

Yvette: 7:07

What like what is going on? Again, I can't, the parts

J Smiles: 7:10

Oh my goodness. that I can't remember. But then she ended up in the hospital.

Yvette: 7:11

She's having the hallucinations. Not as much, you know, but she's in the hospital She's happy. I'm staying wi They kept her for a couple days. Now they are like, somehow like

J Smiles: 7:13

Okay. neuropsychs are coming in, th s, they're talking about his medicine. The neurologi t is there they're back to lik the the Parkinson's and Lewy Body. It's still just whic came first? It was literall like which comes first and wh ch do we treat h her. Friends are coming in, yo know, everyone's there. She's

Yvette: 7:41

You know even from the hospital bed, sometimes her not as scared of her hallucin hallucinations, that they weren't scary. They were, and this is where I actually started figuring around with the key code of you know, making, like they. She was like, hey, little guy. It's okay.She's like come over to the bed. It's a little boy over there. He looks like he's hungry. So it was like, okay, she's seeing like a child or a baby, like she wanted to care for someone.

J Smiles: 8:05

Okay.

Yvette: 8:06

They're like, it was either life threatening, or this person needs help. And even sometimes, or the kids were fighting with that, sometimes we were being like, okay, she's remembering like a fight from when she was a principal. It was really weird, like I can kind of now put the hallucinations to like TV Into cateogories or something Or certain times. This is that cousin or okay, she's seeing the grandkids. She's like, Yvette, do you see your nephews? Don't,

J Smiles: 8:31

Right

Yvette: 8:31

I don't know what's wrong with her. don't let, don't let the babies over there. I don't know why his mom left him like that.

J Smiles: 8:40

Right.

Yvette: 8:41

When your brother said he was coming back, but now, and I can't get up from here. And the kids are over there. They're hungry. Like I said, she she would say when I walk in the hospital, like, oh, I'm so glad you're here. The kids, your brothers left the kids. So it was like, almost now kind of point. So we from the hospital, they're still not figuring it out or maybe at this point, I hink this is where we do get he diagnosis of Lewy body ementia.

J Smiles: 9:08

Now when you say she can't walk, I want to ask you just a little bit of clarification on that. Is it that it's too painful, or actually, if she tries to stand up, her legs don't work or which one is it?

Yvette: 9:24

When she tried to stand up her leg did not work. Like, they buckled. She wasn't necessarily complaining

J Smiles: 9:27

Oh wow. about the pain anymore, which I think they did like a spinal tap again. They went through the test again meningitis this. Let's check, I think, MPs Really just like the, like, the signal wasn't getting from her brain to her leg to say, hey, muscles contract to stand and to walk. Oh, wow.

Yvette: 9:49

And then they did..

J Smiles: 9:49

That's fast.

Yvette: 9:50

The physical therapist moving her leg. But then in the hospital that time was October and when she came out within a couple of day, she was walking again. I remember when I went up, I actually just looked at the video the other day, that I sent to my brothers and they had little belts on her and she took a few steps and was back to walking.

J Smiles: 10:10

There was nothing really that they explained or no miracle medicine or treatment. Time passed they did do a few

Yvette: 10:20

Yep.

J Smiles: 10:20

Physical therapy woo-ha's and some medicine but pretty much it seemed like it was the episode much like the hallucinations

Yvette: 10:29

Like the episodes.

J Smiles: 10:29

That came and then they faded away.

Yvette: 10:33

Right.

J Smiles: 10:33

And then that came it faded away too. Okay.

Yvette: 10:37

So now you know my brothers and I, you know, of course we've already known this series but we're just like, okay, game plan we need to huddle, need to figure this out. Like, clearly this is not going away.

J Smiles: 10:48

This is this is a thing.

Yvette: 10:50

So, at the time like my mom's room was upstairs and she was still kind of coming up and down and the steps.

J Smiles: 10:56

Right.

Yvette: 10:57

Even though she was back to walking, her walking was weak. It was just, you know, like they said they're like okay, we can send her home. I was like home, like, no, my friends like, my mom's room is upstairs, like...

J Smiles: 11:07

We need another system.

Yvette: 11:08

So we gotta figure some things out. For two weeks we did have her go to, a really nice, it was a facility. It wasn't, it was like it was half assisted living, but they also had, and it was for people like with brain injuries, Alzheimer's, dementia. A close spot in Beverly Hills. We said, we had to go there because we just, we needed to regroup.

J Smiles: 11:32

Right.

Yvette: 11:32

We like actually sit down interview people because this is gonna be you know, and we just had to get the game plan.

J Smiles: 11:37

Right.

Yvette: 11:37

And do all this and bring her home, you know, like I said.

J Smiles: 11:41

Get the house ready. Yeah.

Yvette: 11:43

Right, one brother lived in Houston. You know, Eric was here, I was here but, you know, we all, this all happened and everybody was already in full swing of, this, our daily lives. So it was like, Okay, let's figure this out.

J Smiles: 11:55

Right, absolutely.

Yvette: 11:56

We are going to move the room downstairs, order a bed. What do we need to get? Who do we need to get, what covers who, who covers what?

J Smiles: 12:05

Right? A schedule? A calendar? Who comes in?

Yvette: 12:07

Right, right.

J Smiles: 12:08

Your brother who's in Houston, look, are you gonna come one weekend a month? I mean..

Yvette: 12:12

Right, right.

J Smiles: 12:12

How we, tap. I'm tagging you in.

Yvette: 12:16

Exactly. You know what, that's what it was. Because during the summer when this all happened in July, that's what it was, we didn't. We had someone helping us but we didn't need them as much as Eric, as I mentioned, he was a teacher. He wasn't in school. So he was home. He, and it was summer both he and his

J Smiles: 12:29

Understood. fiance. So now it was September, October. You know, we tried the first month in September and October. Everyone's working back to school. No one's getting sleep. It was just like, you know, and I was like, Okay, well, we can do it for a week, two weeks. I'm not putting mom anywhere. Let's both all agree on that. Right

Yvette: 12:49

You know?

J Smiles: 12:50

Yes.

Yvette: 12:50

And so we established that was not a problem. We all agreed on that. No one was straddling any fence, that we knew would be two weeks. Hardest day of my life, again, to have to leave my mother and this way, you know, when I went my cousins and I we were there every day, friends were there.

J Smiles: 13:05

Right.

Yvette: 13:05

I called every couple of hours. I felt that it was a good space. It's what they are used to dealing with.

J Smiles: 13:12

Of course. Yeah, and you needed time to create a plan.

Yvette: 13:16

And we did. We needed that time to create the plan, change the room around.

J Smiles: 13:21

Ultimately, what did you all decide? What was the, what was the first plan? I'm sure it ended up being more than one plan.

Yvette: 13:30

Right. Got got the room fix, fix a room downstairs.

J Smiles: 13:34

I was gonna say y'all ended up doing a room downstairs?

Yvette: 13:37

Did a room downstairs...

J Smiles: 13:38

and y'all brought help in from outside?

Yvette: 13:41

brought help in from outside.

J Smiles: 13:44

How did your mom take the help now? So at this time she's coming from the hospital. How does she take from outside

Yvette: 13:50

She came home from the rehab. She took the help, like help? she was, like I said now her hallucinations were not as fearful hurt sometimes. But they were, she was calmer, hen we came home this time she was able to walk but she didn't walk around as much.

J Smiles: 14:05

Okay.

Yvette: 14:06

She was calmer. I saw a difference. Like whatever happened that day when the legs stopped working, like it all just either clicked and changed and like or settled into like this is you know, what it is? You know, she could still go to the restroom, she still know when she had to go.

J Smiles: 14:24

Right.

Yvette: 14:24

Sometimes you had to help her to walk a little quicker, you know. She had, she had her becoming competent. She was calmer now. Now when the people came, she was okay. Now ironically, we had, which was like a big some people was like, oh my goodness. Our first caretaker and the first person that she was, the first time that she was amenable and acceptable, it was a guy.

J Smiles: 14:46

I know that's right mama. Wait, hold on. Wait, wait, hold on. Hold on. Wait, hold on. Hold on. Let me tell you something, I never met yo mama but if, if anybody who's listening, have my family and friends circle if I need a caregiver, I would like y'all to also find me a guy.

Yvette: 15:12

Yeah.

J Smiles: 15:13

I think I would be happier.

Yvette: 15:14

Yeah, I know like my aunt...

J Smiles: 15:16

Really?

Yvette: 15:17

Like, oh my god, but you know what it was? I think she made him feel safe. I think he made her

J Smiles: 15:24

feel safe. Well, I would like to ask this

Yvette: 15:26

Like he was very good at like shooing the people away. Like if there were someone there, she's like Kwame get that. He was like better than me and somehow she didn't believe me when I opened the door and say go away, leave. She like, Yvette.

J Smiles: 15:38

She's like you, you know, you playing around. You playing around. You don't, you don't, your voice ain't deep enough. Call Kwame. Your voice ain't even deep enough. First of all, Yvette vs. Kwame. You already, everybody's more afraid of a Kwame than an Yvette.

Yvette: 15:50

Exactly.

J Smiles: 15:51

Well, let me say this, just as a literally as a vote of congratulations to you and your family. I haven't even known of many, if any, if I had to think about it, where a family even interview caregivers of an opposite gender to even know if it will work. Right. I know that...

Yvette: 16:14

Right.

J Smiles: 16:15

If the loved one is male, they interview men, so on and so forth. So what even had you all interview a guy for a

Yvette: 16:23

So we were interviewing, when my brother, the one living caregiver? here played basketball with him. And he just happened to remember, he was like, you know

J Smiles: 16:28

Okay. what? I think it was actually, I think it actually was supposed to start temporary while we were interviewing. That's what it was. He was like, you know what? One of the guys that I played ball with, he worked at a nursing home, thats what he said. Okay.

Yvette: 16:41

Let me call him and I think we called him to see if he could help us with some referrals.

J Smiles: 16:48

Gotcha.

Yvette: 16:49

He was like, I just got laid off.

J Smiles: 16:51

Like I know. That's right. He's like, listen, first of all, I'm not about to help you find somebody else while I'm looking for a job. Well, you know what? That was wise. That was very wise of Kwame. Okay.

Yvette: 17:06

Okay, well, while we're looking, this could work dayshift. Like I said, again, it was still very new. My brother was still teaching, like I own my business. So we're all still around enough where it just felt safe enough.

J Smiles: 17:22

Yeah.

Yvette: 17:23

First time he came over. She was like, again, now she never necessarily that had the memory like, I don't remember. But she also had the like, if you look familiar enough, she'd be like hey.

J Smiles: 17:35

Correct.

Yvette: 17:35

If I just say, hey mom, this is J from Howard. Hey, how are you?

J Smiles: 17:39

Right.

Yvette: 17:39

If you were friendly, and you look like she has seen

J Smiles: 17:41

Right. ou before. So soon as Kwame cam in, because he probably looke

Yvette: 17:44

The same age, the thing for her didn't seem like we had like one of my brother' friends hired, even though he wore the scrubs and he came.. ...didn't seem like a caregiver. I mean, the other

J Smiles: 17:53

Right lady that came, like my mom, like was slamming doors. Like, I don't know why she's having this lady come to my house. Like, I don't need anybody. And I don't like her.

Yvette: 18:04

And I remember she was, even though she was still seeing people and doing her thing, she was well enough, where we have one lady, and I guess sometimes, you know, when she just though my mom was sitting there watchi g TV or whatever, you know, he's probably on the phone. And he's like, I don't know why yo had, all she does is yap o the phone. Blah blah blah My mom could literally repeat he gossip that this woman ha been saying. So, was like, s she's mad. I don't know who's paying her and then I'm paying her with my money. I don't know hy she's here just to be talkin on the p

J Smiles: 18:33

I know that's right. Well, listen, I did. I am not, am not paying anyone for them t only be yapping on the phone gossiping. So thank you, mama Thank you for telling. Okay,

Yvette: 18:41

So with Kwame, at one, I don't think he necessarily I l realized and thought and then also, I think he made her feel safe. Like I said he had..

J Smiles: 18:55

Well that's a big deal

Yvette: 18:56

...a way of just opening the door or being like, okay, or he said because that was, th other thing my mom, like I sai , her hallucinations, delusion , or however you call them, as we started to realize they ll somehow related back to at s me point, like I could be l ke, okay, now she's at a time hen my brothers were in mi dle school because she was li e, hey, you gotta go. And he wouldn't refer to them but s e would refer to the boys and I started to realize the boys a e my brother. That's what we alled

J Smiles: 19:25

Get the boys.

Yvette: 19:25

When they were younger. So she's like, You guys gotta go pick up the boys, Kwame. So for me to get that, to say that. Why are you still sitting here? You know, the boys are waiting. And I'm like, Okay mom, I'm going, I'm gonna go. So Kwame, like that's okay mom, actually, I took care of it. I called, like, he literally was so great, at like, easing her mind.

J Smiles: 19:43

He was better at lying.

Yvette: 19:44

Let her know that. He was better at it. And even though I tried, it didn't work.

J Smiles: 19:50

Well...

Yvette: 19:50

It never worked.

J Smiles: 19:51

It's also that's your mom. ight. So that, you kno , I tell all caregivers, I don'

Yvette: 19:53

Exactly. , I'm not as good at telling mys lf, you know what, I try to tell myself and I tell my list ners and our caregivers, that it's way harder when it's your l ved one. It's so hard to li to them. The, it's, it's Epis de 21 where the title of it is t e lie of love. Where the more yo love them, then the harder t e lie is, but then the more yo need to lie, you don't even wa t the lie to be necess Right.

J Smiles: 20:39

It hurts that you gotta tell your mama that.

Yvette: 20:41

Right.

J Smiles: 20:42

But then for Kwame for he knows, hey, the quicker I can tell her that they're okay, the more we can move on to whatever she's watching on TV, or me getting her to put these shoes on and he's saying ahhh, and also he's trained in that. Right. You also not a trained caregiver, that is not what you do for a living.

Yvette: 21:01

Right.

J Smiles: 21:02

He does, so.

Yvette: 21:03

Right. And I also think it was like this point, like I say with my mom and I always like to slip in and out where even if I followed Kwame story in her mind, she's like, I'm telling I'm giving you a directive. I'm asking you to go pick up your brother.

J Smiles: 21:19

Right.

Yvette: 21:20

You know, and so she's really more stuck. It's not even about the story or what I'm saying. For her it's like, Yvette, I asked you.

J Smiles: 21:27

Why are you still standing here?

Yvette: 21:27

And why are you still standing here?

J Smiles: 21:29

If I can still see you, then you are not listening to me?

Yvette: 21:33

That is literally what it would be and so I mean but it, with it, it took time like you said, it took patience. It took time, it hurt. You know it really hurt to see my mom literally stand and talk to a plant, you know, and hurt to see her like at the kitchen table, but it also helps, you know, having a board meeting having a staff meeting.

J Smiles: 21:53

Right

Yvette: 21:53

Hey, everyone, good morning. I mean, full on good morning notepad.

J Smiles: 21:58

She's having a staff meeting at the kitchen table. Like is the plant a person sometimes? If she's talking to the plant, is the plant a person?

Yvette: 22:07

She would walk and be like it's okay, don't cry. Let me find your mom. And then she would say to me, Yvette, why are these kids here? Are his parents gonna come pick them up? Now I'm like, okay, she's principal. Now she's a principal.

J Smiles: 22:17

Okay. All right. So you're having to flip into determining...Wow

Yvette: 22:20

I'm literally having to flip into where or figure out where is she? What realm, like where is she right now? Is she the mom? Is she the principal? You know? Is she at a board meeting? What, what is going on?

J Smiles: 22:33

Wow.

Yvette: 22:33

So that I can't, I think that that's also maybe why it was part of me because sometimes like I knew and I think I tried to explain it too much because I think I would try to think no mom, it's this, you know, where like you said, Kwame or the caregivers, they could just be like, okay, Miss McNally, we got it. We'll get the kids home.

J Smiles: 22:53

Right.

Yvette: 22:53

You know, we're good, come in here. And for me, I was trying to be like, no, you know, I was

J Smiles: 22:58

During those moments. How did you stay sane?

Yvette: 23:02

You know...

J Smiles: 23:03

Look insanity, sanity is relative.

Yvette: 23:07

Right

J Smiles: 23:07

Sanity is relative, okay. What I mean is you're still alive and you're on this podcast with me.

Yvette: 23:12

Exactly.

J Smiles: 23:13

So I mean, you're still here. And you are you are saying enough to support other caregivers by sharing your story. What did you do...

Yvette: 23:23

Prayer

J Smiles: 23:23

Through that prayer and wine, wine or wine helps you remember to pray?

Yvette: 23:28

Right, Right. There were tears. There were many times I locked myself in the bathroom and just be like, you know, just look in the mirror like, why?

J Smiles: 23:36

Why?

Yvette: 23:37

You know, it just cried But no, like, okay, clean up because you gotta go back out there.

J Smiles: 23:41

That's right. You gotta get back out there cuz she's still out there.

Yvette: 23:43

Times up and she's still out there.

J Smiles: 23:45

She's still out there and she doesn't, she didn't know where you are. She's looking for you.

Yvette: 23:49

Yeah.

J Smiles: 23:49

She's looking for you.

Yvette: 23:51

So you know, so that was it. So we did that like 2016-17 or 2015-16. I would say like by 2017, she slowed down a lit, now they, they had on a trial. I can't remember, exelon, I can't remember the name now. I was like, is where I had time to certain things I blocked out. But they actually started her, finally got a patch that were, oh, so there was one point I had to go back to the doctors. I remember there was one point where I thought I was about to move into the hospital and I was like, take her off everything.

J Smiles: 24:20

Ok.

Yvette: 24:20

Now, you know, every time they put her on something, it was like she's not sleeping or she's this and so every time that they you know, they give him medication but I'm looking at the side effects and I'm like side effect hallucination like, Hello.

J Smiles: 24:32

Right, you're like that's a main symptom.

Yvette: 24:34

She already has hallucinations.

J Smiles: 24:35

We don't want to amp that up. We do not want to amp that up.

Yvette: 24:38

So I was giving her medicination.

J Smiles: 24:39

Right.

Yvette: 24:40

Then they switched to this and even my brother was like, sis, like she probably let her systems probably, you know, mom's ain't but this big.

J Smiles: 24:46

Right?

Yvette: 24:47

So at one point, I was just like, can we just take her off? I think it was my brother and I decided, we're like, I'm not giving her anything.

J Smiles: 24:53

We don't care.

Yvette: 24:54

I don't know what point this was but I was like I'm not, I'm not giving her anything I just need her system, like..

J Smiles: 24:59

What about were her other organs or systems doing? Like, you know, blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes was everything else okay?

Yvette: 25:09

Totally fine.

J Smiles: 25:10

Ok.

Yvette: 25:10

Everything was okay. Like, she go to the doctor and everything else. Like, she started losing weight. Thyroid was still together. Like that was like our biggest thing like when when she got really small, but I was like she eats and I'm telling the doctor, they were like, oh, we should do a g-tube. But I was like, no, she eats. I know, it looks like trust me, like my mother eats.

J Smiles: 25:28

So she could eat, chew, swallow and all that.

Yvette: 25:31

Eat and chew and swallow. She could tell me what she wants. She could tell me what she didn't want.

J Smiles: 25:36

Ok.

Yvette: 25:36

There was sometimes she'd can feed herself. There were certain times where, again, like we, I'm telling you like, that was my biggest thing was just like, I'm the parent, I'm parenting. But they have moments where she would always remind me that she was a parent.

J Smiles: 25:50

Absolutely, like listen.

Yvette: 25:52

And like, my mom, and I was like, mom one more bite, but you know and I would forget, I think I was talking to like a child.

J Smiles: 25:58

Right.

Yvette: 25:58

One more bite mom and see, like looked at me and like literally like grabbed my hand with the fork and was like, I said, I'm not hungry. I was like ok, yes ma'm

J Smiles: 26:09

That's right. That's right.

Yvette: 26:12

I was just trying to get you to eat one more bite.

J Smiles: 26:15

So you said they had on a trial, it was a patch. Was that, was that for the Lewy Body or for the...

Yvette: 26:21

It was for the dementia

J Smiles: 26:22

For the dementia.

Yvette: 26:23

to calm the..

J Smiles: 26:25

Hallucinations, ok.

Yvette: 26:26

Eventually, like really just kind of calm like, there were just moments she still knew who people were. Like she never me and her like I said, I was always EV, there were a ouple times she would call me er sister. She would call me arcy.

J Smiles: 26:37

Right.

Yvette: 26:38

But it'll be interesting. And this would be this again, another trip of just how the brain works. Where there was one of those times where, you know, she was talking to somebody. Like no mom, come over here. You know, I'm no caregiver so I'm trying to remember the stories. I'm trying to do everything they do, but you know, it doesn't work. She's like, and I'm like, mom, I mean, we get into an argument because you know, as many times we try to be patient, there's sometimes like I have to admit sometimes you just lose it. I'm like..

J Smiles: 27:02

Absolutely.

Yvette: 27:02

Fucking plant, like a goddamn plant. Because I'm like, what the hell, like what are you doing, you know?

J Smiles: 27:10

Right. What was she saying in those moments when you say it's a goddamn plant?

Yvette: 27:15

This is what she was saying. But then usually when I would go lock myself in the bathroom, because now I feel guilty.

J Smiles: 27:21

Of course, of course.

Yvette: 27:22

Like how did you just yell at your mama, like Yvette clearly, she doesn't know. Like, you know, that's when I'd be in the bathroom. Like, you know, tears like I'm mad like, I'm crying. I'm frustrated.

J Smiles: 27:33

Right.

Yvette: 27:33

And I've come

J Smiles: 27:33

It's a full out meltdown.

Yvette: 27:35

Look, I'd come down and she would be siting on the couch, and I walk in, I be like, mom? She'd be like, I'd be like, yeah, mom. She'd be like, come here. And I'm like what? She'd be like sit down. I'm like what? She like your aunt. I'm like what? She like, Marcy. Like what? She's like, I don't know what's wrong with her. She just started yelling talking about it's not a plant, it's not a plant. I don't know what's wrong with your aunty. As I'm looking at her, like, really Aunty Marcy did that? I was like, she's like, yeah, she was like, she should probably just go home and like, I don't know what. I was like okay. Well, I'll just tell her. I'll tell her maybe she should come back another day. Yeah just tell her because I dont know what is wrong with her.

J Smiles: 28:15

Yo EV you just....oh, so you gonna let, you gonna let Aunty Marcy take that one?

Yvette: 28:23

Like J, would literally recap our argument. But everyone did say at the time, I was heavier. Like, people did say I look like my aunt. And she was like just tell me. And then she like, she's still back there. And I was like, No, I think she left and she's like, okay.

J Smiles: 28:41

You're like right

Yvette: 28:42

What was wrong with her?

J Smiles: 28:43

And you like, thank god she's gone.

Yvette: 28:46

Yeah, she just started screaming. I was just trying to tell her to help the kids. But look, I wasn't trying to tell her to help the kids and the kids needed to get more milk. And she just started screaming and just...

J Smiles: 28:56

Talking about it's a plant.

Yvette: 28:58

Right and I was like...

J Smiles: 28:59

Oh you know what really I cant believe she would do that.

Yvette: 29:01

It's okay mom, don't worry. And literally, J, I was just like lay my head on her lap and...

J Smiles: 29:05

I know that's right. Me and you mommy, we're good.

Yvette: 29:10

Me and you.

J Smiles: 29:11

That's right because it's over.

Yvette: 29:12

That's how it was. It's over.

J Smiles: 29:15

And we're going to be alright. That's right.

Yvette: 29:17

And I just pray that when my auntie did come to visit...

J Smiles: 29:20

she wouldn't say nothing to her.

Yvette: 29:24

And that's how and literally and that's how, even with my brother like she always my brother, but every now and then. So I had to leave like anyone like if there wasn't a caregiver or one of her friends came to visit or was like, hey, we'll give you a couple hours and I was literally leave the key. If she starts talking about Leo or she asked, if she's asking about Leo. Leo was my dad's name. My dad passed 10 years prior or at this time and it's only maybe been like five years or something like that.

J Smiles: 29:47

Okay.

Yvette: 29:48

And I said, if she starts asking about Leo, she's talking about Eric. If you start like I had, like, I at this point, I have figured it out, start talking about this p

J Smiles: 29:55

Gotchu rson this is what she did. If

Yvette: 29:59

She's, you know what I'm saying.

J Smiles: 30:00

Right. It was like, it was like a picture puzzle. It was a word puzzle.

Yvette: 30:04

It's a picture puzzle.

J Smiles: 30:05

Like word puzzle with your mom.

Yvette: 30:07

Our family, like they would know. And I was like, just so you have an idea, you know, and you don't think that she's too like you know. Like she may ay, oh, Leo's brought some good arbecue, you know? Yeah, she as talking about Eric. Yes, we id have barbecue last night. he's not really tripping. She's ot talking about her husband.

J Smiles: 30:24

She did have bbq.

Yvette: 30:26

She did have barbecue and my brother brought it..

J Smiles: 30:28

and it did taste good.

Yvette: 30:30

He does look like my dad. Right? He does look like my dad. And so she is talking about when, she says Leo, she's talking about Eric. So I mean, I literally just had this key.

J Smiles: 30:41

Wow.

Yvette: 30:42

We did it for you know, three and a half years. Like I

J Smiles: 30:43

Okay.

Yvette: 30:45

So like no one saw them or maybe because of that when said it was with always and that too would always sit down. You know, you're reading, you'r reading about prognosis, you'r how long, what, what to expect nd, and that's what also, someti es I often do wonder if my mom aybe even had some of he own instance episodes earlier o as either she realized them or hey were just so minor, that she dismissed t like the story started coming, like with the friends being like, so she told us a story once about a monkey or someone else, I mean, like, yeah, we actually went to lunch once and she was telling me the story. And I wasn't sure you know. Third story, I'd be like no, that actually happened. Oh, no, I don't think no, that didn't really.

J Smiles: 31:30

Right. Right. Because her recall, well, her ability to tell the story was so vibrant and it also sounds...

Yvette: 31:38

So vibrant.

J Smiles: 31:38

Like she told the story is exactly the same way. Every time.

Yvette: 31:46

Everytime.

J Smiles: 31:46

Therefore if no, if none of you were around her how would you ever know?

Yvette: 31:52

Right.

J Smiles: 31:53

Right.

Yvette: 31:53

You know, so now going back to those memories is like when I start going back to that, like remember that time when we're going to the movies and like I said we were going to do, you know so now it's like when I started going back and like thinking and listening, listening and trying to figure you know, just trying to figure it out. Like when did this really start? Because, like where we are right now according to the book by we're full in, like, this is just, you know.

J Smiles: 32:18

How did we get this far in?

Yvette: 32:19

How do we get this far in?

J Smiles: 32:20

In 24 months? Two months? Six months? Three years?

Yvette: 32:24

Yeah.

J Smiles: 32:24

Right and absolutely.

Yvette: 32:26

Like I said, it got to the point where it did calm down and never, you know, never went away, it calmed down. Kwame was around for a while but then once when she really got to a point, you know with incontinence and not really being able to. You know, but he could actually, she could get in the shower. She had a shower chair to turn it on make sure everything was where it needed to be so and then just kind of stand outside the bathroom. She kind of come out right lay out clothes, like she could do so that you know that's when I said like, you know, there were certain family like, you have a man there? I was like, she can go to the restroom, she can do, but when it got to the point where okay, now she does need someone that's going to actually do..

J Smiles: 33:04

Help with toileting. Right, and personal care.

Yvette: 33:07

We got this lady, I reached out again, you know, just a network that I have out here. Former ex boyfriend actually, his sister, also a nurse and worked in medical field. But she had, she had residential homes so I know that she had people that used to live in her homes and help her with her clients. And so she referred me to their, she referred me actually not one of her co workers, but a family member is probably made me, she actually passed away this summer in a fatal car accident.

J Smiles: 33:38

Oh no.

Yvette: 33:39

Miss Agnes. Miss Aggie came in and when I tell you like the angel that caregiver that. Like, like I said Kwame kept her calm and like he was good for the height when the when the hallucinations and you know and just shooing people away But Miss Agnes came in and was like..

J Smiles: 33:57

With that soft touch. Right.

Yvette: 34:00

You know that soft you know, seeing my mom connected and you know like it was the best of both worlds. Like if Kwame would still come, like do like certain like like kind of midday shifts and Aggie actually spent the night. She's the calm at like 8pm and stay in the morning so that, that way she can help at night she was slept slept in the room with her and then cleaned her in the morning get her dressed and everything.

J Smiles: 34:26

Fantastic.

Yvette: 34:26

Kwame was able to be there during the day on the days where if we needed him. If I wasn't working from home at this point like. Yeah, yeah, because at one point, so it's been 2017, my brother got married and got accepted to grad school, got accepted to the doctorate program and you know as the cards would have it, the program was not out of state but up in the Bay Area in San Francisco. So one point it was just me. Me and mom so that's when it was like okay, we need,

J Smiles: 34:54

Okay. that's that's when we said okay, is not. Before it was me, him, his sister, me, him, his fiance, and Kwame. We had a calendar in the kitchen. Right.

Yvette: 35:04

Eric has gave, you know, everyone who's the coming thing going where..

J Smiles: 35:07

That's right.

Yvette: 35:08

It was the logistics.

J Smiles: 35:09

Like a corporation. It's mom's cargiving corporations.

Yvette: 35:14

So once they, once he and his wife moved up to the bay and it was just gonna be me, and I was just like, ok, wait a second.

J Smiles: 35:21

Right.

Yvette: 35:22

So that's when Miss Agnes came in and Kwame, you know. Still had some of her friends that were also in rotation, you know, in certain days or they just came by and you know, came by to sit with her and and just, you know, still just do whatever they could could do. And, you know,

J Smiles: 35:36

Were you working during this time?

Yvette: 35:37

And we. I work, for th time, I work for myself, I work

J Smiles: 35:38

Okay.

Yvette: 35:38

I also work for entertainment. So I was a talent I own a store. I use to own a stationery gift store. producer and work, worked on television shows, live TV award show.

J Smiles: 35:53

How would you balancing that during this period of your mom's care?

Yvette: 35:59

Oh, girl was a major. I'm not sure how I did it.

J Smiles: 36:03

Ok.

Yvette: 36:04

One thing and we don't have to go into this. Maybe I'll come back on another path.

J Smiles: 36:08

Absolutely.

Yvette: 36:09

Because I actually did throw it, you would be like what the heck? At the time, my 90 year old great aunt...

J Smiles: 36:17

Okay.

Yvette: 36:18

Who lived by herself. She never had kids, never married, with her and her sister for years. My Tia Connie and Tia Marcy. They were my grandmother's sisters. And I was very close with my grandmother, but my tia Connie and my tia Marcy, next to my parents, they were like the next set of parents.

J Smiles: 36:34

Okay, Okay. Okay

Yvette: 36:35

And so Tia Connie was 8 , great health, ninety years. She was starting to get that really kind of almost what he was one, she would get so ma , she would get to the hospit l. Everything was good but... they call old timers. You know what I'm saying? Okay, yeah. Like, hey, I haven't seen you in a couple weeks. But then I was like, I was here yesterday.

J Smiles: 36:51

That's right.

Yvette: 36:52

But you know, like she knew everybody.

J Smiles: 36:53

That's right.

Yvette: 36:54

It wasn't too long, we had caregiver there. And like I said, I can actually probably come back and talk about.

J Smiles: 37:00

Just managing that as well. I understand. So but you

Yvette: 37:03

Correct. were doing this, you were assisting with your aunt, you had your stationery store, you were a talent producer, you were in the industry, you were a television producer, and a talent producer. And at that time you became your mom's only primary caregiver because your brother moved to the Bay.

J Smiles: 37:28

Whoo.

Yvette: 37:28

I didn't do, like I cut back on TV shows like I did, you know, I would just do shows that I just did kind of like BET awards or something like that. But and usually instead before I'd be in 60 productions, now I just kind of cut back and took a shift where I could do like the week of or the weekend of.

J Smiles: 37:45

Gotcha.

Yvette: 37:46

How to cut back, scale back. I had like full staff at my store. But yeah, there was definitely..

J Smiles: 37:51

Still stuff to manage. You had a career.

Yvette: 37:54

It was juggling, you know.. Mom was a priority. Mommy came first.

J Smiles: 37:55

You had a career. 100, 100.

Yvette: 37:58

Schedule. Mommy, Mommy, Tia Connie. And where does everything else fit in.

J Smiles: 38:04

I get it.

Yvette: 38:05

Because at the time, so at the time when my brother was here he lived with my mom. I live with, I havd moved out of my place and moved in with Tia Connie, the 89 year old.

J Smiles: 38:15

Gotcha.

Yvette: 38:16

Get a caretaker during the day, I stay there at night. When brother went to the Bay, I was like, alright, do I move them together? We got two houses. They're only about a few miles apart.

J Smiles: 38:25

Right.

Yvette: 38:26

But I can't be in both places. And so that's why I said yeah..

J Smiles: 38:30

We'll we'll bring...

Yvette: 38:31

A caregiver that you trust. But how it can actually go wrong because it went a little less, but it's okay.

J Smiles: 38:37

We'll definitely have you back on the show. But...

Yvette: 38:39

Yeah.

J Smiles: 38:40

I hope that listeners, agencies, government staff, and legislators can hear and understand from this is how much funding we need and resources we need, first and foremost to find cures for these god awful diseases. And then to assist family members who are having to shoulder the

Yvette: 39:09

Right and the cost. And all that out..

J Smiles: 39:12

The cost out of pocket it's out of pocket.

Yvette: 39:15

Right and now insurance is great.

J Smiles: 39:17

Yeah. But then cover this stuff.

Yvette: 39:19

But they don't cover Kwame and Miss Agnes.

J Smiles: 39:22

It doesn't and it also doesn't reimburse you for the

Yvette: 39:22

No,

J Smiles: 39:22

It doesn't reimburse J Smiles for the time she didn't ime that you didn't go to work. go to work. So yeah, dementia related diseases, Azheimer's, Lewy Body Lewy Body is the most expensive diseases in the United States, even more than cancer, more than diabetes, all of that stuff. So listen, we have had..

Yvette: 39:45

It doesn't even cover, like nursing, like you know, like I said she went to that rehab.

J Smiles: 39:51

Yeah.

Yvette: 39:53

I think originally for the first two weeks because she needed rehab and it was a rehab but like if I, if we had ever gotten to a point where she needed to stay there or like they had to, they had a day program where you can take her there, like just the care, Kwame would take her to do like senior activities.

J Smiles: 40:06

Right.

Yvette: 40:06

The day, like all of that out of pocket.

J Smiles: 40:08

Oh, correct.

Yvette: 40:09

Insurance and it was just,

J Smiles: 40:10

It's a mess. It is an absolute mess. It's an absolute mess. So we have had such a wonderful time here not I'm not about to completely. Yeah, I'm not about to completely wrap it up, I have one or two more things I want to ask you. You had such a whirl wind experience with your mom, you did what I think such a phenomenal job of painting the picture of how live active and independent your mom was in March of 2015. And then by July, August of 2015, you and your siblings were fully responsible for her. And in less than three years, she was with your father, with your earthly father, in heaven with your heavenly Father. And with two forms of dementia, Parkinson's and Lewy Body and just how all of that ended up unfolding and how unclear the entire path was, right? The doctors, wouldn't seem like they weren't ever really sure of what the hell was going on? And what would you share with a new caregiver whose loved one, let's say, in the last 30 to 60 days has started to show signs of something awkward, or weird, or offbeat, that's happening, and they are trying to decide to go to the doctor or not. Or to go to a specialist or not. Some family members are saying yay or nay what what would you suggest to do? And how to get the courage to do yea or nay?

Yvette: 41:59

You know what umm, you just have to go. You just have to go, just trust in God and take your parents. Listen to the doctors, you know, of course, we're going to research it and do that on our own. But if you see something, you know, it's almost like, what do they see something, say something like, if you see something, if something just doesn't seem all the way right? You know, just just go. And even though you know, every now and then, you know, we, you know, the doctors may not give us everything we need, it's like, at least they're going to guide you in the right way and give you because, you know, that's the one thing they did help us like know with at least a treatment plan of knowing what we needed to expect and what you know, there were milestones and different things that we had to look for, again, as we you know, with the mom we're like chew and swallow and those types of things. And, you know, so I knew that at least, okay, I got to start looking for these things with the Parkinson's. The things that are now I started realizing were coming in like her gait got a little different. So I did know, certain things to look for, like the left side wasn't paralyzed, but the left side didn't move. You know, when you walk your hands actually, like naturally playing.

J Smiles: 43:08

Yes. Yes, notes.

Yvette: 43:09

Little things now, but I noticed like that left side That was the one thing you know, we took notes. You did it and so that's how just going to the doctor and talking to the doctor. And, you know, I wasn't always like I said 100% satisfied. But at least I know that I was doing what I needed know, even like I said, my brother, they were in Houston. to do to care for my mom, it just made it just a little bit easier. And also just not to drive yourself crazy. We're going to do it, you're going to be on web MD and Google knows. But at least, it was still a reference point, you know everything and take notes. He'd be on speakerphone at the doctor's appointment, take notes or call back.

J Smiles: 43:49

That's right.

Yvette: 43:50

Okay, I looked at, his wife was really good at researching and help me. Lessen the sugar, like because you know when they say like dementia and Alzheimer's, they say it's kind of like that. Have you heard like diabetes of the brain? Like...

J Smiles: 44:02

Yes, I have.

Yvette: 44:04

My sugar. Just like okay, what do we need to eat? Like, what do we need to increase? Okay, vitamin D, what is it?

J Smiles: 44:12

Alright.

Yvette: 44:12

And like I said, and then after that just, you know, be patient. It's not always gonna be easy. You know, it's not, you know, but but just know that you're doing like, I know for me, when my mom passed, it was of course it was a sad moment that was my girl. But I was again going back to when you talk about what those stages of denial, like I think through like that three and a half years - four years, I kind of went through a lot of those stages. Like then, that when she passed me knowing and I know that my brothers and I did what we had to do, like I was actually already kind of at a level of acceptance, you know?

J Smiles: 44:53

That's a big deal.

Yvette: 44:54

Some facts and down you know, there still are. There's still some moments, you know, that, but I know for me, I'm able to kind of talk about it and show you. I can kind of relive and even my brothers, you know, can think and see things through things because I know we did. I think I went through I don't know if I ever had a chance to go through denial. So it was just there, there wasn't time for denial.

J Smiles: 45:19

No, that's right. I know that's right. Listen, when mom when mama says a monkey on the plane and you sitting there beside you like Okay, wait. Now I was there. Wait, dammit. Listen, you know what I mean? It's sometimes right.

Yvette: 45:33

I know I partied in college.

J Smiles: 45:38

Hello. I know, there was a lot of things happening in DC. Right? Right. Exactly.

Yvette: 45:44

Like those moments in the bathroom. Like, I had the anger, like, you know, you had the, you know, like...

J Smiles: 45:50

But now not so much.

Yvette: 45:51

The depression is here, but you know, I gotta accept it. Like I think just knowing that I did do you know, I did my due diligence with the doctors and listening and researching and making sure I had the right people and the right environment. And, you know, so it really helped. I don't know, if they'd lessened or ease but it really did. You know?

J Smiles: 46:12

Right.

Yvette: 46:12

Like, I know, I can remember that day. It being one of the worst days of my life

J Smiles: 46:17

Right. But it ushered in that transition at least.

Yvette: 46:21

That transition was compared to like my dad who died but like, it was so much. So so different.

J Smiles: 46:29

You know, we also had that in common my dad also, yeah, died suddenly the same, not the same. But suddenly was we had the same sudden.

Yvette: 46:39

Yeah, we had the same kind of sudden.

J Smiles: 46:40

We had the same kind of sudden. What can you sa that's encouraging to car givers, something that came ou of the experience of being yo r mom's caregiver that you' e like, Okay, except for this p riod of this that three and a half or four years with my mom, e might not have done x, or we m ght not have shared y or my brot ers and I might not have exper

Yvette: 47:07

I would say, for me, I think those kind of falls when you're saying know when to ask for help.

J Smiles: 47:16

Okay.

Yvette: 47:16

Know when to, so I'm a Scorpio. Some people say that we can be emotionless, or hide our emotions and you know, kind of always smiling.

J Smiles: 47:26

I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm good. I got it.

Yvette: 47:29

I think one of the things I was able to be like, Nah, come help I'm not

J Smiles: 47:33

I'm not fine, right.

Yvette: 47:35

I'm not, I'm not fine.

J Smiles: 47:36

Have you find that? Have you found that a little bit easier in other parts of your life since then? Have you carried that over?

Yvette: 47:44

Yeah.

J Smiles: 47:44

Okay.

Yvette: 47:45

Definitely. I think I definitely have, but during that time, just kind of knowing like when to you know, call and knowing who to call and be like, yeah, I need you to come by today.

J Smiles: 47:57

That's a big deal.

Yvette: 47:58

Or I may need to leave, that was a big and just knowing, you know, who even count on, and just not being afraid to, you know, to let them in and just say like I said, I know, like my closest girlfriends, especially something like that. It could be private, like you don't, you know, one point you probably you don't want everyone to see like your mom, you know, like..

J Smiles: 48:18

Girl, say that.

Yvette: 48:19

Talking to a tree.

J Smiles: 48:20

Right.

Yvette: 48:21

Or you know, but at times I just had to kind of be like, okay, I don't want to see that. But I also know that I need somebody.

J Smiles: 48:27

I need some help.

Yvette: 48:28

I need some help here with me right now.

J Smiles: 48:29

I need some help.

Yvette: 48:29

And I need somebody here with me that knows me, you know?

J Smiles: 48:32

That's correct.

Yvette: 48:32

And then knows her. Even that, I think of a good girlfriend, Kimberly Wilson, HU grad HU blah.

J Smiles: 48:37

HU, right.

Yvette: 48:39

Can you come and talk to mommy about, I can't remember what it was, what are hallucinations? Kim, the prosecutor, a lawyer and I was like, can you come and like

J Smiles: 48:49

I just need you to talk.

Yvette: 48:50

Like, like, I think I need to talk her through like whatever it was, it was bothering my mom that like she took care of it. Like they got to people that..

J Smiles: 48:58

We like she needs. She needs you to do something legal with these people she wants to get.

Yvette: 49:05

Yeah.

J Smiles: 49:05

What I do know is that you will be able to talk the language properly.

Yvette: 49:10

Like she knows you, you'll be able to say and yeah, so just kind of knowing like..

J Smiles: 49:16

When you need some help.

Yvette: 49:17

I know it's gonna be hard to see, you know, because for a minute like we had it like, I, you know, the game can't keep them in all the time.

J Smiles: 49:24

That's right.

Yvette: 49:24

Like, get out and get fresh air. You know what I'm saying?

J Smiles: 49:27

Correct.

Yvette: 49:27

In the beginning, like I did still try and go to the movies but I still try to do things that she still likes to do. You know, let's go to lunch and right that we have mommy Monday movie

J Smiles: 49:37

Right.

Yvette: 49:37

and lunch and yes, in the move theatre. She may keep saying, why that kid sitting there? You know?

J Smiles: 49:43

Right?

Yvette: 49:43

Yeah, maybe you're offering popcorn. And I was like, you know what? Like, I'm not gonna worry about whatever, like, this is what I need.

J Smiles: 49:49

Correct.

Yvette: 49:50

Like, I need to take her out and we, you know, because we can't stay hold up in the house, you know, all day.

J Smiles: 49:56

I remember taking my mom to the movies a couple times in the matinee And I remember thinking like it's a Tuesday in the matinee, we're in the back row. Like guy, I don't even know you. Why just sit back here with us, right?

Yvette: 50:07

Right, Right.

J Smiles: 50:07

Don't look like we're trying not to be near people look at us.

Yvette: 50:11

Right?

J Smiles: 50:12

Um, obviously she's my mom, you know, I mean, I'm walking all slow with her. Why would you sit near us?

Yvette: 50:18

Right.

J Smiles: 50:18

A little bit like you asked for it? Whatever happens back here. You asked for it, sir.

Yvette: 50:22

Exactly.

J Smiles: 50:24

Absolutely.

Yvette: 50:24

Just, we're just kind of keeping it, I tried to keep it as normal as possible for her and for me. And I think that also even helped. I think what I realized that helped me too

J Smiles: 50:33

Correct.

Yvette: 50:34

As a caregiver, like we had to have it defined in our new normal, you have to still find some sense of normalcy.

J Smiles: 50:40

Correct, yeah.

Yvette: 50:43

Yeah.

J Smiles: 50:43

Thank you. Thank you, EV.

Yvette: 50:46

You're welcome. Thank you. J.

J Smiles: 50:49

This has been such a cathartic, cleansing and inspiring conversation for me, I really appreciate you sharing this. I know the Parenting Up Podcast family is going to love, love, love, love.

Yvette: 51:08

Oh thank you.

J Smiles: 51:09

Everything about this episode, you are welcome to come back to talk about your aunty.

Yvette: 51:15

I want to thank you. I want to thank you for doing this. Like, I'm seeing it

J Smiles: 51:16

And everything. on Facebook. And I was seeing like listening to the snippets nd I was like wait. And whe I really listened, like, wh n I listened, I was literally la ing here with battery like almos That's right, that's right. gone. Episodes, like in the bed like, okay, I did that. T at's, I've said to the message. said, okay,

Yvette: 51:34

I was just listening. Yeah. So, and so, I appreciate you. And I hope that this, I hope, and I'm there with you if you need help. I think we got to do the walks and the marches. And the, you know, because yes, for whoever else is out there, whoever comes back by hopefully they do find something, you know?

J Smiles: 51:55

Absolutely.

Yvette: 51:56

Start a cure or something, because it's not.

J Smiles: 52:00

That's right, we will find a cure.

Yvette: 52:02

Well, thank you.

J Smiles: 52:02

You're welcome. You're welcome. You're welcome. And for you to be so willing to share the pursuit and the passion of your story. With both of your parents being in heaven, I think, tells your heart and your dedication to supporting caregivers and finding a cure. And I think that's what it takes. It takes people being willing to tear the secrecy and mystery of these ugly diseases and offer dementia so we can talk about it and not just be this, you know, secret cult crew society of caregivers and family members who do it alone and you know, right and then we come back out when it's all over. Like no, no, let's talk about it right now. Let's talk about it right now.

Yvette: 52:49

I think that's exactly what like I said, Your Pod. I was like, Wait a second. Like, yeah, cuz there wasn't and you know, like,

J Smiles: 52:56

Yeah.

Yvette: 52:57

At the time, like I've since, my mom hasn't got sick. Some of my friend's parents are now but I was like that pie and I was like, oh, what is that? No, take your dad? What did he say?

J Smiles: 53:06

Exactly.

Yvette: 53:06

He was doing what? The left arm is...

J Smiles: 53:09

Hurry up. That's right.

Yvette: 53:11

Yeah, I think.

J Smiles: 53:12

Yeah.

Yvette: 53:12

A good friend Kim Willis came over when her mom had passed right before mine and her dad got it, here's a calendar f r you and your brother this how e did it like literally I thi

J Smiles: 53:19

This is how you do it. k the calendar off the kitch n walls, like.

Yvette: 53:25

Here's Miss Agnes' number.

J Smiles: 53:27

That's right. Pass it.

Yvette: 53:29

Here's Kwame, pass it this.

J Smiles: 53:31

Pass it. This is how we do it, did it. We have to.

Yvette: 53:35

At that point in time where I think with me, like I felt, and I'm sure there were other people, but I did feel alone. I was like...

J Smiles: 53:42

Oh, yeah.

Yvette: 53:43

Oh, anyone else? Like no.

J Smiles: 53:44

Exactly.

Yvette: 53:46

I have no I don't have time for a happy hour. You know what I'm saying?

J Smiles: 53:51

Correct. Because it's so it's overwhelming it's all consuming. Being a caregiver for your loved one. It's, it's crushing. It's so easy to get lost in the life of it. Before you know it, one day turns into a month, turns into two years. You didn't mean to keep it to yourself, but only a handful of friends and family members know because you're literally just trying to surviv. You have whatever your professional life is and you're trying to manage the medical needs, the personal care needs, the medicine, the caregivers, you're trying to make sure okay, don't run out of deodorant. Don't run, don't run out of bed pads. Don't run, don't run out of Aquaphor. Okay, don't don't run out of dry shampoo. Like I don't have time to call anybody and remind you that I'm dying over here. So you can remember to send me a card I don't have to time. So

Yvette: 54:54

Yeah

J Smiles: 54:54

These podcasts. I'm hoping that they help and that they permeate the world. So today caregivers are getting the support they need along the way while we will fight for a cure. So thank you Yvette.

Yvette: 55:08

Yeah, you're welcome.

J Smiles: 55:09

Thank you EV.

Yvette: 55:10

Thank you, Thank you.

J Smiles: 55:11

All right, sweetheart. Yay. See you later.

Yvette: 55:14

Have a good one.

J Smiles: 55:14

Okay you too, bye bye. The snuggle up: Number one- Blood is thicker than water, but it is not thicker than dementia. You're a caregiver, give yourself a break. Do not beat yourself up because you don't have all the answers. Well, you don't act perfectly in each month. Number two- make your notes determine what you see as symptoms and signs happening with your ello. You know, their personalities, their history, their likes and dislikes way better than anyone in medical science. We don't have a cure yet. Make sure they are as happy as possible under your control. Three- Neurological diseases are really tricky. We don't understand them. Lewy body dementia, Parkinson's, we don't know which one is which. Tremors, forgetfulness, hallucination, all of that ounds like a really bad trip o some wacky drugs or you could h ve a neurological degenerative b ain disease. Get the beep out o here. Get the loved one to t e doctor as soon as possible. I any of this stuff pops up. N mber four- Join me every M nday night for a video b oadcast, a vodcast. It's a vi eo podcast, it's all about ca egiving, but a completely di ferent topic than we have he e. Same title,Parenting Up in pa tnership with getvokal.com. Fo low us on social media. Pa enting Up has a presence on Yo Tube, Facebook and Instagram wi h unique caregiving content. Th t's it for now. Thank you for li tening. Please subscribe for co tinuous caregiving tips, tr cks, trends, and truth. Pr tty Pretty please with sugar on top, share and review it too. I' a comedian, Alzheimer's is he vy, but we ain't got to be.